This afternoon I was in the gym at my senior community, and I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in months. What have you been up to, we asked each other. The answers may surprise you.
JD, a retired teacher with a doctoral degree, had just received Master Gardener certification from a local university. She’s been hired to bring horticultural education to students of the thirty-two school districts in our county. The implications go far beyond plants, reaching into fitness, community activism, science, and global involvement. She’s hoping to influence the future.
My own answer was a bit less lofty but still exciting: my next novel is going to be a new genre. Silver Romance, because romance is popular now, and I think people over fifty deserve to fall in love, too. But what I’m really excited about is that my stories will include life lessons and inspirations about getting older. My characters might demonstrate how they learned to cope with losing a loved one, or living alone after so many years. They may come to a new understanding about self-sacrifice: how much is too much? Is it okay to be a bit more self-centered in older age? Is this the time to go to war with The Establishment again like we did in our Boomer youth? When do you say no, and mean it? When do you agree to bend, and how do you avoid breaking?
“You know what, JD,” I said. “You and I are demonstrating something about aging well: we’re doing Generativity. It’s a life stage.”
After I explained the stages listed below, we debated whether we were actually in the next stage, Keeper of the Meaning. Either one sounds good to me.
We used to think that adults, once they matured, were pretty much set in stone.
We didn’t change or grow, it was thought. We mostly just deteriorated and lost parts of ourselves.
But now we know that isn’t true. If you want to read a lovely, uplifting book, I recommend Aging Well by Dr. George Vaillant. He was in charge of three longevity studies extending over eighty years, in which Americans were studied to find out how to age in a satisfying way. From studying the studies, Vaillant and his team concluded that successful adulthood requires the mastery of six tasks, skills or stages:
- Identity – a sense of one’s own self separate from family of origin
- Intimacy – the task of living with another person in an interdependent, reciprocal, committed, and contented fashion for a decade or more.
- Career Consolidation – expanding one’s personal identity to assume a social identity within the world of work (this includes homemaking)
- Generativity – demonstrating a capacity to unselfishly guide the next generation (without parenting them; involves giving up control of outcomes)
- Keeper of the Meaning – similar to Generativity but less related to individuals and more to broader society. Focus is on conserving and preserving “the collective products of mankind – the culture in which one lives and its institutions.” Concern for a social radius extending beyond one’s immediate community.
- Integrity – acceptance of oneself in existence; wisdom of one’s place in the larger scheme of things, of one’s uniqueness, of where one fits in the cosmic order; acceptance of mortality (that last one was in my words).
From genealogy to memoir writing, to providing childcare or volunteering in a classroom, to attending political town halls, to raising money for a homeless shelter, to participating in supporting your community, to signing on with the Raging Grannies, your activities are critical to humankind.
Many of us engage in this kind of activity when we’re older just because we have more time, and we’re interested. Now I’d like to suggest another reason: we do them because we’re human.
We’re fulfilling our destiny, following a call to service that’s as ancient as civilization.
I always suspect that the second half of life is richer than we ever imagined. In fact, as I get older, that suspicion, and the pursuit of that hypothesis, drives me more and more. It informs my writing, and directs my research. In years to come, I predict we’ll shake our heads at how little we once knew, and how much we never realized we do contribute. How much vibrancy and promise there still is, in the second half. thanks for joining me on this journey.
If you’d like to read previous posts on this same topic, here are several:
And if you’d like to read a neat, empowering, uplifting post by my friend, positive-aging advocate Ashton Applewhite, click here.
Yes, I did a book giveaway and I hope you got your copy. I did it to celebrate a new cover on a book that’s a couple years old.
Middle-Aged Crazy: Short Stories of Midlife and Beyond
Hi Lynne! I LOVE the upbeat feeling I get from this post about aging well and positive. You know that’s a big focus of mine as well and I’m just finishing up my new book about positive aging. I am convinced that the more of us who speak and write about this message will help turn around the ageism that has been so prevalent for so long. Time to tell each other, and those younger than ourselves, that this time of life is filled with a sweetness and benefits that we never even guessed. And YAY for your new idea of Silver Romance. I agree that there will be millions who will love it. ~Kathy
Kathy, your focus is always on self-sufficiency. You’re a free-thinker who refuses to be constrained by conventional fears. So your new book is going to be as empowering and upbeat as the last. I’ll look forward to reading it!
Beautifully written blog post that resonates with me. I’m looking forward to attaining the stages you listed.
I’m also looking forward to your next book. The first two are among my favorite reads, and your upcoming release sounds intriguing. Let me know when it’s available.
I should have said your first THREE books. Loved the short stories, too.
Ha ha, thanks Sandy! That was nice of you to say so. I’m glad you enjoyed them. PS I told my sister about your blog posts about nature walks in Washington state and she subscribed to your blog. She loves it and it’s given us a new thing to talk about. My only problem is that I’m jealous!
I think I’m in “Integrity’, after graduating from “Identity”, hoping to enter (and stay) in “Intimacy”. I like the journey, not sure of the destination (my ticket will eventually expire). My writing foray started with describing my ‘ideal mate’. She has since taken on a life of her own, with several friends. She met her soulmate at 66. I’m living my imaginary life through them. Still hoping to make it real.
I called my genre “Boomer Lit”, Silver Romance sounds better. Any chance Amazon will create a category?
No, Dennis, I don’t think Amazon will! I don’t think much affects that behemoth. So I am moving forward on my own. Boomer lit has quite a following on Goodreads.com, so maybe that would be smarter than silver in the long run. Here’s my theory. There are about a hundred million people over 50 in this country, and I can’t imagine that they are not going to turn, at some point, to our brand of writing! I just want to have a lot of books ready when that happens. Thanks for stopping by and good luck with your writing.
Lynne, you are so full of wisdom and I love the new genre you created Silver Romance. I admire your focus and clarity of purpose. I have only been retired a year, and still feel in transition, mostly floundering for new direction. Unfortunately so much of my life is taken up with trying to maintain my health or helping out family members.
Pat, you’ve been through so much physically, I would think that would be the absolute best use of your time, maintaining the “temple” of your existence (the very fact that you survived that plunge off the cliff is a miracle.) And then if you have time and energy to help family members on top of that, what more could be more important? You are living a good life. Plus you completed a stellar memoir that not only preserves your own legacy but is a testament to Title 9 issues. You could lie about on a couch for the next 30 years and still feel satisfied, I’d think. I respect your accomplishments.
Lynne,
‘SIlver Romance.’ I love it! It’s about time for an appropriate “new’ genre to include the “older” demographic. They love and fall in love…
Aging well—so doable, but so often overlooked by many.
I often tell my patients, whether they’re 45 or 75—we can’t change the next birthday date, being 46 and 76, but we can change almost everything else, by starting with the three Fs (Fitness, Friends (includes regular social involvement in person), Food (lean towards Mediterranean and plant-based with intermittent calorie restriction.) You can slow your physiological aging.
It’s not only for celebrities.
Thanks for the post, Lynne!
My pleasure, Danie. It would be nothing without input from friends, so thanks for commenting. And for your good work helping your patients enjoy life.
Hi there Lynn
Firstly, thank you for the book. I shall look forward to reading it on holiday (vacation) next week. Secondly, good luck with Silver Romance. I’m sure it will be very popular; three weeks ago I went my friends’ wedding. The man, aged 57, had one previous relationship which lasted just four yeas, but he never gave up hope of finding someone. The woman is 64, has a 34 year old daughter and has been divorced for 12 years. She had given up hope of finding a partner as [she found] that men wanted younger women.
This is the third couple I’ve introduced, and a fourth -woman 71, man 80 – get married later this year. I was asked to give a speech at the wedding and afterwards was approached by a number of people asking if I’ve got more friends I can introduce them to. Several even suggested I set up an organisation – and I’m giving it serious thought! So, Lynn… based on my experience I think your book will be a best seller… I certainly hope so.
All the best, Mary
Hi Mary,
What an upbeat comment! People need people. Age has nothing to do with it. Your anecdotes prove that.
My mother, 92, was at therapy one day. She fell into conversation with an 80-year-old man. They spent an enjoyable hour chatting. When she told me about it, her eyes lit up.
It never ends, thank God.
Lynne, your next novel’s contents (Silver Romance) will be one of interest to all. I recently lost my wife, and am going through some of the dilemmas that you addressed in this blog. I am looking forward to regaining some lost life as a result of dedication to caregiving. I am also looking forward to reading your stories regarding regaining desired lifestyles. Well, maybe not regaining – let’s say restoring.
Hi Bob, I’m so sorry about your wife’s passing. I hope you will regain strength with time, although we never forget. Viktor Frankl says we aren’t taught to value suffering, that we try to minimize it and are, in some cases, ashamed of it. But he suggested that instead–if we must suffer–we try to suffer well, and count it among our achievements. My best wishes to you, Friend.