Reporters love to interview old people and ask how they reached such an advanced age. In theory this will be helpful. It never is.
The elder person is either spinning the story or forgetting the details, so their advice is fanciful, at best. However, there’s more here than meets the eye. Forgetting and spinning are psychological coping skills we perfect in old age.
We sometimes change our view of history to be able to live with ourselves.
For example, some of the elders in the study* who were beaten and starved during childhood reached a place of forgiveness in old age, and now viewed their parents as tough but loving. Some of the brilliant women, who were denied careers and high wages due to discrimination and the sexism of the time, adopted a sunnier retrospective on this injustice. These coping mechanisms were discovered because the researchers had recorded what actually happened and what was actually said, back when study participants were kids, young adults, middle-aged, older, and old. The foregoing are two examples of sublimation.
Sublimation, in my words, is putting the best spin on something you can’t fix, and really being okay with that. This is a capability that’s beyond the reach of younger people. In Dr. Vaillant’s words, “Such maturation requires emotional development, years of experience…and the continued biologic evolution of our brains, whose connecting pathways–especially those integrating desire and reason–continue to mature past age 40.”
As one elderly member of the study put it:
Contrary to all expectations, I seem to grow happier as I grow older. I think that America has been sold on the theory that youth is marvelous but old age is a terror. On the contrary, it’s taken me sixty years to learn how to live reasonably well, to do my work, and cope with my inadequacies.
The other three main coping strategies that we develop with maturity are:
- humor (the ability to laugh at what can’t be changed, and while laughing, not cause others to suffer)
- altruism (getting pleasure from giving to others what we would like to receive)
- suppression (in my words, this is the ability to stifle yourself in unpleasant circumstances, and still be happy. It’s not denial; it involves being fully aware of the cause and outcome, but it’s done for the greater good. Think of keeping your mouth shut when the drama kicks in at, say, a holiday dinner.)
One of the most surprising things I learned was that an unhappy childhood is probably the least important predictor of happiness in old age. Per Dr. V., “…unhappy childhoods became less important with time…a bleak childhood did not condemn (them) to misery.” When a study subject reached his/her seventies, the difficult childhoods (and I mean difficult even to the point of malnutrition and abandonment) did not correlate with poor mental or physical health.
Women Overlooked: The Flaw in the Studies
Here is one description of healthy aging from another elderly (male, of course) participant:
Old age is knowing what I’m doing, the respect of others, a relatively sane financial base, a loving wife, and the realization that what I can’t beat I can endure.
But what about the “loving wife”? What was her secret recipe for aging well? We’ll never know. The studies began in the early part of the last century, and focused on men. Dr. Vaillant apologizes for that, and tried to balance things out by including data from female participants of the The Terman Study.
I picture the men being interviewed about their views on aging, and saying they had great wives that they were crazy about. And I’d imagine the woman smiling and gritting her teeth through the interview, and wish I could ask her, what was it like giving up your dreams to help this man be successful? And how are you aging now? How did your experience of aging alongside this happy man compare to his? For example, the wonderful coping mechanism of suppression: I’d bet money that women learn it early and deeply, and what if it isn’t good for them? Furthermore, I’d bet money that women actually STOP suppressing as they age, as opposed to the men. But we’ll never know. Not that I’m bitter. 😉
Next Friday, I’ll wrap up the Aging Well series by sharing Dr. Vaillant’s findings that will help you create a better old age for yourself.
*the book Aging Well by Dr. George E. Vaillant is based on the analysis of three longevity studies spanning, in some cases, almost eighty years. During this time, the researchers interviewed individuals from childhood through old age and recorded their observations.
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Love the picture 🙂
Thanks for listing and defining the three coping strategies. I’ve already noticed that I’m quicker to laugh at things (myself included) more often than I used to. However, I’m not sure I agree with #3. Seems like I’m more likely to speak up these days and say what’s on my mind. Sometimes I’m “fully aware of the outcome” but go ahead anyhow.
I’m glad that medical science is starting to see women as more than just “small men.” An example is the different symptoms of heart attack that women experience as compared to men. Of course, more needs to be done, but it’s a start!
I also have mixed feelings about #3, Sandy. Since this study is based in objective observation of the human creature over decades, it’s more likely to be valid. However, the Mars/Venus thing may be at work here, too, because 2/3 of the study subjects were men. Lately we see a lot about how women do tend to be more outspoken and confident, as they age.
Yet, as I think about myself, now at 61, shutting up at certain moments, I celebrate that I have the gained the self-control that I lacked in younger years.
I share your frustration at the male biased studies; however it does give us hope that even those who endured great suffering growing up can find happiness in old age although at what cost. Once again, it shows how women are shortchanged. No where are the studies more gender biased than when it comes to hu”man” health.
Ain’t that the truth, Pat. This is changing, but it’s still “his”tory. PS a little bright spot: I was talking with a 30-something friend who is in “new tech” as a profession/career. She said the STEM (Science, Tech, Engineering, and Math) efforts in schools and communities across America are bringing girls into those disciplines in great numbers. This could bring a tidal change in earnings and equality in general. (and it’s only 2015. What’s the hurry.)
It IS changing, hooray! My oldest granddaughter is a straight A, high school sophomore, and already has Engineering, Math and Science college scouts talking to her about scholarships and programs. Our second oldest grandson is another 4.0 er and getting financial help too! We’re proud of ALL of our GK’s, but nice to see girls on an even level with the guys!
Wow, Cheryl, testimony! Thanks for the boost of reassurance about the future.
Interesting study. I don’t have a problem with the guy talking about his loving wife – a good marriage helps all kinds of things. And of course, in our society today, sometimes it’s the husband who sacrifices his dreams for the wife. Part of why women are so bothered by “giving up their dreams” is that society has so effectively downplayed the importance of motherhood and raising a family. My paternal grandmother is no less worthy because she raised two hellions (plus my aunt, who is the total opposite of my dad & uncle) than my grandfather who was an inventory and businessman.
As for coping, my maternal grandmother was defined by the murder of her mother. She was orphaned at the age of six and life was miserable for her. We heard about that over and over until she died, even though I thought an alcoholic, cheating husband should have had more of an impact (which it did, but on my mother). She never moved on from how unfair life was and how it owed her.
That behavior on the part of my father and uncle didn’t stop when they got older. Here they are in their sixties, shoving each other behind my aunt’s back. See how my Dad’s hand is in a fist? I’m surprised she didn’t smack the two of them.
http://livingtheseasons.com/2011/08/17/tone-set-for-mischief/
Nancy
Great affirmation for getting older (despite the male bias in the research). Loved your visual of the wife gritting her teeth. I’m sure it’s exceedingly accurate for that generation. I’m trusting that things are better for us.