If someone knew the secrets for aging well, you’d want to know them, right? Turns out, someone does. Dr. George E. Vaillant has been involved for his entire professional life with three long-term studies of how people age. Longevity studies are more reliable because they record what’s happening at the time, instead of relying on what old people remember.
If whiskey and cigarettes really are the secret to long life, a longevity study will support that.
As Dr. V. interviewed and recorded the lives of hundreds of people over a span of fifty, sixty, seventy years, he learned that the most successful agers perfected certain strategies (and he published a book about it, Aging Well.) Dr. V. asks his study participants this question (among others):
Whom would you be most willing to inconvenience if you needed help?
One of the concepts of aging well is asking for help when you need it, but that’s not always easy. Depending on your personality, it can be awkward, or feel intrusive. We don’t want to bother another person, and maybe more importantly in our go-it-alone culture, we don’t want to feel obligated or dependent. We may even consider it an invasion of our own privacy.
Yet, the freedom to inconvenience others is a mature coping strategy. It’s a tool, a skill. Something to get good at. Perfecting the art of asking for help can lead to a better old age.
Knowing this, I bit the bullet recently and asked my neighbor for help. We were going on a trip for a couple weeks and I needed someone to get my mail (because dealing with our city’s post office is like one of Dante’s circles of hell.) I didn’t feel 100% comfortable about it, but I thought about Dr. Vaillant, and figured it would be good for me. So I went next door to make my very first request.
My neighbor was delighted to help. I gave her my house and mailbox keys, along with my cell number in case the house caught fire.
After my vacation, when I went to pick up my mail, she and I talked and laughed for a few minutes, and I said I’d be happy to reciprocate.
Not only did we reinforce our relationship, but it felt good to know I was practicing a skill that will help me, later in life.
Of such things is maturity made.
Does this idea resonate for you? Who in your life are you most willing to inconvenience?
I liked this post and it reminded me of a card game, MY GIFT OF GRACE, winner of the California Healthcare Challenge, a few years ago. The cards ask a variety of questions about living and dying, which helps participants tackle what they fear most. You can find this at the company’s website, http://www.actionmill.com
Looks interesting, Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing.
Lynne, I just heard Jia Jiang who wrote Rejection Proof: How I beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection. He wants people to ask for things and risk rejection to build up our courage backbone. Sometimes we don’t ask for things because we’re afraid of being told “no,” like your example of someone getting your mail. Now we have another reason to ask for things–to live longer. Thanks, this was an interesting read.
My pleasure, Mary. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hi Lynne, I probably learned about the art of asking for help when I was in a very vulnerable position of undergoing cancer chemotherapy. I was the nurse who always took care of everyone else until this knocked me on my butt and convinced me that I needed the help of others. It turned out that I was doing my friends and family a favor by allowing them to help me. And I benefitted greatly from humbling myself. I had to chuckle at your example because it reminded me of the time I had asked my neighbor to get our mail since we would be gone for two weeks. I had peace of mind during the trip knowing it would be taken care of. Boy was I surprised when we arrived home to an overflowing mailbox. Turns out, she forgot to pick up our mail!
See? You never even needed to ask her! But seriously, getting very ill would help you learn this lesson in a hurry, I’d imagine. And I’ve heard that medical professionals are the worst when it comes to acknowledging the need for assistance.
What you are describing here, Lynne, is “interdependence.” The first time I had even heard that word was when I took a course on THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE.
Almost everyone knows what it means to move from “dependence” to “independence”…but we are not encouraged or educated on how to become “interdependent.”
It was through interdependence that the Mormons found a way to not only survive in Utah…but to THRIVE.
(Since DAKOTA BLUES takes us to Utah…I’m sure you have been there too. How could anyONE hope to settle and raise families in that harsh, yet breathtakingly beautiful environment?)
INTERDEPENDENCE…we need one another.
Thanks for sharing what you are learning!
Sue
I’m a student of life, Sue. I feel lucky to be learning. And I hear what you mean about Utah.