Any Shiny Thing - Life after 50

Midlife Fiction

Eat, Drink, and Die Quickly

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My dad drank a lot, ate like every meal was his last, and wouldn’t exercise – not even to do the minimal therapy after knee replacement. He died of a massive stroke at 83. No lingering in a rest home, no extended decline. WHAM. Dead. And it was, to be frank, a blessing. He had been losing some of his abilities in such a way that portended a rough future for him and my mother.

So it makes you wonder. Would I be better off living more piggishly and dying suddenly like him, or doing my healthy program and living out my very elderly years in a rest home, like the women in my family tend to do?

If you’re a health professional, you’ll say, “you don’t know if you’re going to be lucky enough to die suddenly. You might die slowly and painfully.” True enough.

If you read this blog regularly, you know I’m all about finding balance. So for me, here’s the answer: I want to feel well for as long as possible, and that means moderation, meditation and exercise. Nothing’s perfect, and we don’t know what the future holds. But for all the pain it caused us to lose Dad, the way the old hedonist died sure was a blessing. He said he would never go to a rest home, and that “they’re going to have to carry me out of my house feet first.” That’s exactly what happened. If there’s a heaven, he’s up there laughing at us.

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Are Boomers Wise or Just Smug?

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I think we Boomers sometimes use our age and our self-perceived wisdom as an excuse for not learning anymore. It feels safer to tell yourself you have all the answers, and the only way to find out otherwise is to ask, engage, and learn, which can be risky. However, I’ve found a cover story, an alter ego. A fake ID to use in such a pursuit.

I think of myself as a cultural anthropologist. I got the idea from my 85-yr-old mom, who freely plays the “old person card.” If somebody’s trying to rip her off, she’ll complain, saying, “You think just because I’m old you can take advantage of me.” (She’s a feisty 4’11” and nothing gets past her.)

So, in pursuit of current cultural awareness, I’m starting to play the older-person card. I’ll sidle up to young people, and ask questions. I was at LA Fitness the other day and really liked a song that was playing over the sound system. I asked these two boys, maybe 18? 20? who it was. You could tell they were thinkin’, “Granny wants to rock!” But then they got into the spirit, answered my question, and yakked with me a minute. Nothing bad happened.

I used to help out at an elementary school. At breaktime I sat with the young women teachers. Talk always turned to family. To excuse my prying, I’d play the old lady card: “Are husbands still like that? Are you ladies still doing most of the housework?” Oh, boy, that was a hot button. Let’s just say, very little changes. But they were eager to fill me in. I’m just curious, and people seem to like that.

Here’s another example: have you noticed that when you thank a younger person, they’re likely to respond, “No problem”? It bugged me when it happened at a store when a youngish cashier handed back my change. I felt like saying, right, it shouldn’t be a problem, because it’s your job. But when I opened my mind and asked my Gen-Y friend about it, she said that it’s a way of shrugging off the appreciation, because the young person feels it was nothing. As in “de nada” in Spanish. For nothing. No problem.

I felt kind of stupid. Peevish, even.

So be brave, Boomers. Get out there and ask. You might learn something.

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A Rant on Looks, Dating in Midlife, and Other Stupid Worries

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I happen to think my appearance should only matter if I personally care about it, and not because society says I should look as hot as possible until I die, because otherwise you are worthless.  [Read more…]

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Is It Okay Not To Have Awesome Goals in Mid-life?

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In my last two posts, I reminded you that if you don’t know what you want, or if you live your life in service to others to the extent that you never know what you want, or if what you want isn’t really what makes you happy but rather, what gets you through the day (like “I want to organize my desk”), you may die unfulfilled. You may sleepwalk through your one precious life. What a tragedy.

HOWEVER. (Sound of self-righteous throat-clearing.)

Just a few days ago, I read a letter to an advice column from a confirmed slug:

Dear Advice Person:

Is there anything wrong with a single, childless 50-year-old whose only goal in life is to coast to retirement, having saved enough to make retirement comfortable and carefree? I keep reading about having a grand purpose in life, working in a field that you love, being creative, etc., and it just sounds like too much work to me.

I like to have good, clean fun and I don’t like to be responsible for other people. I give to charity, but I don’t want to work in a soup kitchen or be hands-on with helping others. My job is not very fulfilling, sometimes boring, but it pays well enough, and I don’t feel overwhelmed or like I can’t produce what is required of me. I get along with the people at work, and I don’t find myself dreading going to work.

Do I need to challenge myself? Do I need to set more goals? Is coasting such a bad thing?

The Coaster

Lynne again. Hmmm. So what I hear you saying is that my life, that of the rat on the wheel, born of some existential anxiety, may not be the norm. Maybe you don’t NEED to have a big damn goal. Maybe your life is fine just as it is, being a middling member of middle society at middle age.  What’s so wrong with that, as long as you go at it consciously and are happy?

Not a darned thing. I think the important thing is to have self-knowledge, to be aware of what makes you happy and go after that. And if you do, and you have no interest in bringing clean drinking water to Africa or peace to the Middle East, I still wish you happiness. We should all be as self-aware and mature as The Coaster.

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Free Love on the Internet!

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That was a sneaky way to lure you here. Today I want to remind you about prophylactics, but not the kind you’re thinking of. The Internet kind.

Remember, Boomers, when in the 1960’s and 70’s we embraced the Pill without a thought to a looming future rife with STDs, and in the 1980s we embraced nose candy (oh, no, me neither!) without a thought as to dependency? Now that we’re older, I am now here to tell you the scary truth:

Social networking can be dangerous.

So many of us Boomers are embracing social netting, and that’s cool, but there is a bit of risk in oversharing on the Internet. I love networking, but even though I am careful, I worry that I might be exposing myself and my family with my online activities. That’s why I was happy to see “7 Things to Stop Doing Now on Facebook.”

For more dire warnings, Steve Olenski from Social Media Today offers a more complete list.

Now go have fun.

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Do You Ever Think About What YOU Want?

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What drives you? What do you want out of life? What do you want out of every day? Do you even know? Sometimes we get so caught up in the daily grind, taking care of everybody but ourselves, that we forget to think about it.

Some years ago I was looking forward to a weekend of alone-time because hubby was going fishing. I delighted in the thought of attacking my to-do list, not hearing the TV, not smelling cigarette smoke – well, this is my ex-husband I’m talking about so I’ll leave it at that.

Problem was, as soon as his truck disappeared around the bend, I sank down on the couch in such a funk. Completely lethargic. Blue, for no reason. Couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. It worried me. Was this depression, and where had it come from? Eventually I got up, walked from room to room, snacked on junk food, watched TV, and basically killed time until he returned. What a waste of a perfectly good weekend!

Eventually, we split for other reasons. As I worked through the divorce and learned new life skills, I came to realize that, much like women everywhere (and not a few men), I had been trained to place the needs of others before my own. I was reactive, not proactive, and when my motivation (other humans to serve) went away even for a short time, I was left with the question: “What now?”

And I had no answer. Back then, I had no idea what books I wanted to read, vacations I might want to take, movies I might want to see, or hobbies that lit me up. Nothing.

I wasn’t exactly wasting my life. I worked fulltime in a demanding job and commuted an hour each way, so I used up every bit of energy I had. When I had free time I tackled my to-do list. Given that reality, everything I “wanted” to do sounded like this: I want to clean out the linen closet. I want to organize my files. Yuck, right? But until this moment of clarity I hadn’t seen it.

I was unhappy to think that I had been so unsupportive of myself, that I was sleepwalking through my life, not appreciating the gift that it is. Time passes. You can’t get it back.

In the years since, I have changed. I now try to ask myself these questions regularly: What do I want? What would make me happy right now? The answer is usually simple: I would like to sit on my patio and read a magazine. I would like to phone my sister. Sometimes plans are longer term: I would like to play that golf course over in the next town. I would like to stay in Sedona a couple days. And maybe I plan it, or maybe not, but at least I’m more in touch with who I am as a person, as an individual.

Another tactic: Every night before I fall asleep I list five things that made me happy that day. Even if it’s simple (“I enjoyed the camaraderie at my book club”) it qualifies. I usually end up running way past five. By thinking about what made me happy I am able to value my days more powerfully, and again, be more in touch with what I enjoy.

I am not a selfish person, but it’s good to get in the habit of finding reasons to live for yourself. Even if you share your life with others, you have to be able to answer the question: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy? Otherwise you might be in the same spot I was, having to respond: I don’t have the faintest idea.

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