My dad drank a lot, ate like every meal was his last, and wouldn’t exercise – not even to do the minimal therapy after knee replacement. He died of a massive stroke at 83. No lingering in a rest home, no extended decline. WHAM. Dead. And it was, to be frank, a blessing. He had been losing some of his abilities in such a way that portended a rough future for him and my mother.
So it makes you wonder. Would I be better off living more piggishly and dying suddenly like him, or doing my healthy program and living out my very elderly years in a rest home, like the women in my family tend to do?
If you’re a health professional, you’ll say, “you don’t know if you’re going to be lucky enough to die suddenly. You might die slowly and painfully.” True enough.
If you read this blog regularly, you know I’m all about finding balance. So for me, here’s the answer: I want to feel well for as long as possible, and that means moderation, meditation and exercise. Nothing’s perfect, and we don’t know what the future holds. But for all the pain it caused us to lose Dad, the way the old hedonist died sure was a blessing. He said he would never go to a rest home, and that “they’re going to have to carry me out of my house feet first.” That’s exactly what happened. If there’s a heaven, he’s up there laughing at us.
It is a conundrum, isn’t it? My lovely grandmother is 93, still as sharp as a razor, living on her own but the decline is inevitable. I sometimes take her to visit her girlfriends in the rest homes who are without sound mind and do wonder, is that better?
Hi, Tammy, thanks for your comment. I feel for your grandmother, as my mom, who is almost 86 and sharp, too, just spent the past 5 weeks in a home to recover from a broken leg. She got a new roommate a few days ago. This woman is like a little bird, flapping ineffectual wings, unable to think clearly enough to operate the very simple remote for the TV (but lucid enough to know she wanted to watch Dancing with the Stars!) She doesn’t hear well or speak clearly. She tries to get out of bed but risks falling. To me, her life must be pure hell – but she can’t even communicate whether she feels that way.
Now on the other hand, our elders are still mobile and sharp-minded, enough to feel depressed and severely mortal when they see their friends and family decline and die. Which could I rather be, the dead one in this picture or the one who is left constantly grieving but still able to enjoy the sight and scent of an emerging springtime?
Is it too early to start drinking? 😉
Madeleine, that really clarifies things, doesn’t it? You have a visible answer, profound in its clarity. Thanks for reminding me about the realities some of us deal with.
You make a great point about how your Dad lived and died. I sympathize with him about not going to a nursing home but also with you about moderation. I lean much more toward moderation, however, because of Type 2 diabetes. Without moderation in all things, I’d be at risk of blindness, kidney failure, and amputated legs. Some things are clearly worse than death.
When I found out I had high cholesterol, I felt old and unhealthy. But then the doctor asked me how old my parents are and whether they had high cholesterol. My dad was like 85 and had high cholesterol. To my surprise, the doctor said, ‘Well, in that case, you’re probably fine. If he’s lived all those years with high cholesterol and is healthy, you’re probably protected.’ Thanks Dad! Of course, I can’t rely on that. Did I mention my dad puts a slab of butter on a saltine for a snack. He eats the whole stick…I swear. I LOVE your blog! ~Karen
Karen, he’s not your dad, he’s MY dad. I would totally eat a slab of butter on a saltine. The only thing that saves me is I discovered that spray butter is actually butterier. Thanks for dropping by – don’t be a stranger!
Yowie, Kathy, you should be the writer. With those bloodlines, you could craft the great American novel just from the characters in your family. Rock on, Sis!
As you know Lynne, my Dad ate, drank and raised hell. In fact, the doctors said all the alcohol he drank kept him well perserved. He died on his own terms – smoking a cigar, was drinking his third martini and listening to his Dixieland Jazz. Then, BOOM! Flat out, face down on the patio. Passed away at 72 just like his father, who did not eat, drink and be merry for the hell of it. His mother, on the other hand, lived a high live of poker parties, rich food and drank Manhattans. In fact, she had a stroke in the middle of a poker hand. She lived the last 30 years of her life paralyzed and died just short of her 101st birthday. So, who’s to say? Enjoy what you are capable of doing in this world. Better yet, enjoy this world before someone decides to blow it up.
Just found this blog today and very much enjoying it. As for this particular post, I say 83 is a good long life, especially if you get to enjoy the finer things. Pleasure in moderation is the way to go! I personally don’t want to eat two celery sticks and a carrot a day in the hopes that I’ll look like a supermodel, I’ll take the creme brulee and chardonnay but hit the gym the next day 🙂
Meg, I’m with you! But I’d say port and chocolates! Thanks for stopping by.
Your dad sounds like a hoot. I love people like that — who live their lives the way they want to — giving up nothing and compromising nothing. I’m not like that though, either. Although I could probably work out more.
Good post.
Hey Lynne,
Mom had already been there for a few years and wasn’t talking much anymore. So when we told her dad was coming to live there, she got kind of a smug look on her face. She seemed to keep a wary eye on him. “There’s Paul,” she’d say and that was it. And Dad, he paid no attention to Mom. He’d been happily married to somebody else for 20 years so I actually think he blotted her out of his memory years ago. They were a docile pair as the illness took it’s toll on them. We all went through a difficult time when they divorced so I guess having them together in the end helped a little.
Thanks for asking.
Jackie Kennedy is reported as having said, “If I’d known I was going to die so early I wouldn’t have taken such good care of myself.”
I think balance is the key… Who wants to forgo life’s pleasure to maybe have a longer , but more boring life? I say, do whatever makes you happy. The doctors wanted to have my mom stop smoking at 80…. whatever for?
I believe we overthink things and try to deny that death is our end.
Stay healthy and happy and let life take care of itself!
(Great question for Vonnie!)
Nanci, it seems like every holiday I diet like a hero all the way thru, and then come January, I feel deprived and eat everything in sight. Of course, by then, all the good stuff is gone. So this year I ate whatever I wanted for Thanksgiving and the 2 adjacent days, and now I’m making up for it. And it feels better – I had gluttony, and now I have redemption. A kind of balance. If you average it.
Lynne, This is totally unrelated to eating right or wrong but I have to tell the story…
My parents both ended up in assisted living because of dementia related illnesses. It was sad but also very weird. You see, they had divorced after 30 years of marriage and were apart for 30 more years. When they got sick it was just easier for my sisters and I to put them in the same home. The new staff would always get confused until we’d explain it to them. “Yes, they are our parents, but no, they don’t want to sit together. That’s ok, we’ll visit them separately.” 🙂
I can only hope that if my kids do that to my ex and me, my mind will be totally gone! lol
Vonnie, did they know each other at that point?
will do ,Lynne!
Kathy, it makes me so happy to know that your Mom enjoyed this. Tell her I send my love.
This is a wonderful post,Lynne and such a fitting tribute to your Dad . I feel like I have met him! Like my Dad, he did it his way and we will be wise to follow their leads. I shared this with my Mom and she thoroughly enjoyed it too. You have a way of perking us “boomers” and “greatest generation-ers” up so thanks for another thought-provoking and entertaining post! xoxo
My dad is kind of the same way…though he’s still living, but he doesn’t want to be anywhere near a rest home or any such thing. I have no idea what will happen to me, but for me it’s important to honor the body I am in, which means moderation for me too 🙂 xoxo