What drives you? What do you want out of life? What do you want out of every day? Do you even know? Sometimes we get so caught up in the daily grind, taking care of everybody but ourselves, that we forget to think about it.
Some years ago I was looking forward to a weekend of alone-time because hubby was going fishing. I delighted in the thought of attacking my to-do list, not hearing the TV, not smelling cigarette smoke – well, this is my ex-husband I’m talking about so I’ll leave it at that.
Problem was, as soon as his truck disappeared around the bend, I sank down on the couch in such a funk. Completely lethargic. Blue, for no reason. Couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. It worried me. Was this depression, and where had it come from? Eventually I got up, walked from room to room, snacked on junk food, watched TV, and basically killed time until he returned. What a waste of a perfectly good weekend!
Eventually, we split for other reasons. As I worked through the divorce and learned new life skills, I came to realize that, much like women everywhere (and not a few men), I had been trained to place the needs of others before my own. I was reactive, not proactive, and when my motivation (other humans to serve) went away even for a short time, I was left with the question: “What now?”
And I had no answer. Back then, I had no idea what books I wanted to read, vacations I might want to take, movies I might want to see, or hobbies that lit me up. Nothing.
I wasn’t exactly wasting my life. I worked fulltime in a demanding job and commuted an hour each way, so I used up every bit of energy I had. When I had free time I tackled my to-do list. Given that reality, everything I “wanted” to do sounded like this: I want to clean out the linen closet. I want to organize my files. Yuck, right? But until this moment of clarity I hadn’t seen it.
I was unhappy to think that I had been so unsupportive of myself, that I was sleepwalking through my life, not appreciating the gift that it is. Time passes. You can’t get it back.
In the years since, I have changed. I now try to ask myself these questions regularly: What do I want? What would make me happy right now? The answer is usually simple: I would like to sit on my patio and read a magazine. I would like to phone my sister. Sometimes plans are longer term: I would like to play that golf course over in the next town. I would like to stay in Sedona a couple days. And maybe I plan it, or maybe not, but at least I’m more in touch with who I am as a person, as an individual.
Another tactic: Every night before I fall asleep I list five things that made me happy that day. Even if it’s simple (“I enjoyed the camaraderie at my book club”) it qualifies. I usually end up running way past five. By thinking about what made me happy I am able to value my days more powerfully, and again, be more in touch with what I enjoy.
I am not a selfish person, but it’s good to get in the habit of finding reasons to live for yourself. Even if you share your life with others, you have to be able to answer the question: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy? Otherwise you might be in the same spot I was, having to respond: I don’t have the faintest idea.
I think, as women, we’re taught to put the needs of others before ourselves, to be “good girls.” Somewhere along the line, we realize we have to be “selfish” and think of ourselves — if, for no other reason, than that we’re no good to anybody if we aren’t whole. Unfortunately, those “aha” moments when we realize this are often filled with pain (divorce, death, whatever). Yet your “counting your blessings” before you drift off to sleep is always a splendid place to start the recovery process — good for you!
Hi Lynne,
Wow! I really enjoyed your thought-provoking post. It took me back to 1983 when I was in a crossroads in my life after a divorce. I was considering moving out of state with my two young children(6 & 8)) but so torn about uprooting and taking them away from their father who at the time was not available to them. While crosscountry skiing with my friend ,Jane, she asked me that very question”What do YOU want?” I froze in my tracks,as if I’d never even heard those words before. It was like a huge lightbulb flashed on. Within a few months ,after careful i.e. agonizing deliberation, I found a job in Pa and left NY for a whole new set of adventures and challenges ,spurred on by those very words from Jane,”what do YOU want?” You’ll have to read my memoir to hear the “rest of the story”!!
I can’t wait to read your memoir, Kathy, now even more than before because of that “What do YOU want?” moment! Do you have a working title yet?
“What do I want”? , What will make me happy”?
2 of the most difficult little questions I have ever wrapped my head around. But these times in my life, it was of the highest importance that I answer them. Yes, the answers have changed very drastically for me. Everything on this list is pretty much intangible and usually spiritual in nature. There are really no ‘things’ as in something material on it. It would be much easier if there were. Then I could just take the money and go get it – Easy! Or I could just work really really hard and I would be able to get it. At least now I know and that brings a measure of peace.
Things become more intangible as you work your way up Maslow’s Hierarchy. Luckily, you have food, shelter, etc. You can move up the pyramid to the more complex needs, and yes, identifying that vague longing and then seeking to fix it must be a lot harder to do. But from the look of your blog, http://spirit2go.wordpress.com/, I know you will find the answers. Best wishes.