I wrote this three years ago. I was tired. I’d been babysitting a lot. Enjoy.
Lauren Hutton looked great on this cover of Elle, where the words translate to “Women Who Make You Want to Grow Old.” In the picture, Hutton has a sharp jawline, great hair, etc. Doesn’t it make you feel like you should be doing something more with your sad old self?
Before you make an appointment with Dr. Plastic, you should consider that Ms. Hutton really looks like this:
For the first photo, Elle airbrushed her to within an inch of her life because they’re selling stuff inside the magazine, which you’re not going to buy unless you feel uncomfortable. Advertisers cut you down for a reason. They use smoke and mirrors to undermine your confidence so you will give them cash. Of course, you know this.
It’s hard to resist, though. Recently I was getting my hair cut and colored. For all the niceness of the salon, the lighting was a bit harsh. There I sat with my silvery roots, jowls, and turkey neck staring back at me in the mirror. To complete the look, I had a broken blood vessel in my left eye.
I looked old. Is that a problem?
I’m serious. Is it wrong to look old? Is that some kind of crime for which we must castigate ourselves, writhe in shame, and vow to try harder?
Appearances are very important to humans. Animals have other means for judging who’s strong, who’s sick, or who’s to be feared, but we can only go on looks. Somebody told me recently that I look tired. I asked why she said that. She stammered, “You have bags.”
I am tired. That’s what happens when you run after a couple of toddlers for eight months. But maybe the bags are there naturally, and won’t go away after I get rested up. Will the world now assume I’m tired? If I go for a job interview, will I be seen as slow, unmotivated, or unproductive?
The answer, unfortunately, is yes.
You may be awesome in every way, but still have a face that’s got a hundred thousand miles on the odometer. Society will then assume you are pointless, ineffectual, and stupid.
Get ready for this. If you can’t fix the externals, or don’t choose to, work on the internals. We People of the Second Half must practice finding reasons to hold ourselves in high regard. We can celebrate triumphs other than looks, like the fact that we wowed everybody at a recent public speaking engagement, or we’re finally accomplishing our dreams, or we’re an amazing resource for our family or community.
The more unhappy we are with our aging looks, the more we deny ourselves the joy we deserve. Let’s aspire to be at peace with our looks. Let’s aspire to be free.
I don’t think that even Lauren Hutton would recognise herself in that cover photograph!! Such images are big lies! Even when they photograph young women for the women’s mags, they airbrush any slight spot or blemish. Best way to proceed: don’t like, don’t buy. Thanks Lynne for your astute observations for us glorious women of the Second Half.
Hi Lynne! I just saw a Ted video where the model shows herself in a couple of pix vamping for a mag, and she looks sultry and sexual. However, the model explains how misleading the pix are: in one, it was the first time she’d ever worn a bikini, and in the other (where she’s arching her back and rubbing up against a guy) she said she hadn’t even started menstruating yet. There were other pix of her in model pose and in normal life, contrasted. I wanted to save that video for my granddaughter, but she’s only 2 1/2 !
Like others, I’ve earned every gray hair, every wrinkle, every bit of stiffness. With each hair or line has come wisdom. I know it, you know it. If others can’t see it, it’s their loss!
Robin, that’s the way to play it. Good on ya.
“We People of the Second Half…” Adore that! Made me laugh out loud. And I have sat in front of that same salon mirror. But now, thanks to you, next time I’ll enjoy my reflection instead of picking it apart.
We have to be friends to ourselves; sometimes a little gentleness is a good thing. Smile in that mirror next time. That’s my plan.
Ah Lynne Another great post. I stopped coloring my hair 2 years ago so I’m liberally salted now. Do I look old, ask me if I care, I’ve earned every gray hair, every line and every ache honestly and if they don’t like what they see, they can turn the other way.
deb
Love it, love it, love it, Deb! Not only your attitude but the idea that we can now choose to feel this way. Amazingly gratifying.
Nothing wrong with being old. The older I get the better I feel about the fact that I am getting older. I think we should do whatever it takes to make us feel happy because that’s what shows on the outside. There is a difference between being old and looking old. There is something to be said for the older woman who looks amazing.
xoxo
Ana
http://anakiyasworld.com
I read this at the most perfect time! My mom and I were just talking about the importance/unimportance of appearances. It’s not just the age factor, it’s the “fat”/thin ugly/pretty. The fact of the matter is we are individuals and that makes us individually beautiful 🙂
Hi Kiki, it’s true. We should have the guts to appreciate individuality instead of demanding compliance from each other like we’re all still in middle school! Thanks for coming by.
Beauty shines from within, wrinkles and bags or not. Happiness is in the eyes (of the beholder), and as long as we stare at appearances and not at the stories behind the outer shell, our vision will remain narrow and bound to grow unhappy with each day that passes… growing old.
Stay young inside, follow your heart and be happy with who you are. Good health is of much greater importance than injecting stuff to make you look like someone else. And once you start with these actions, where will be the end of it?
Better to grow old gracefully, with pride of each wrinkle earned by laughing, then smooth and unnatural as a young girl at the age of 70.
Great article, Lynne!
Thanks, Marion. You speak the truth.
“Let’s aspire to be at peace with our looks.” That line says it all. Is there a woman alive who has not been subjected to that cruel, mirror, mirror on the wall? It is time we united. Enough, already. Let’s refuse to peek into the looking glass and seek to refine ourselves through our inner beauty.
Takes guts, though, when you’re bombarded every minute with the opposite message. But if we have nothing else to show for having lived to this age, we have guts!
I was interested to read your comment about your mother Lynne. Mine is the same- positive messages or compliments about my own appearance have been scant over the years. Instead of assuming I wasn’t worth complimenting, I’m now wondering if it is mainly a generational attitude? I’ve tried to give my own daughter a message that I think she’s lovely, in all aspects (not just focusing on her looks, but those compliments are nice too once in awhile!!).
Sarah, I see my almost-3-year-old granddaughter four mornings a week. She’s so cute, and her mother dresses her in such adorable outfits, but I have to mentally slap myself to stop making such a big deal all the time about her cuteness. I try to slip in, “and you’re so smart! and you’re such a good listener!” so she doesn’t identify solely with her looks. Because I agree, we pass along those things generationally as our mothers did. I want her to feel great about her appearance, but also as she matures, about things that come more from inner-work, self-development, and diligence. Because those things she can affect, more than looks.
The newspaper I write for includes a photo of me that I keep vowing to update. I have written about it several times, usually to make fun of myself for not replacing it. Thus far I have resisted change. My wife calls it my obituary picture. Which brings me to my second vow. It will be.
Is that the picture in your email profile, Bob? I enjoyed seeing it because it helped me envision another part of your life, and anyway, it’s part of who you are. Maybe we should change our gravitars more often, rotating through the years to present a broader picture. Anyway, I thought it was playful of you to use it.(See Ginger Kay, above.)
I’m with you. I am tired of having women held up as examples of beauty who have been so altered by surgery or photoshop that they are barely recognizable. We all get old. What is wrong with looking one’s age?
EXACTLY. What is wrong with looking like we’re 60, 70, 80, 90…if we are? We need to give up this single standard of youth = good.
It is important to look old so that the young will not be afraid of dying.
Tyne Daly. I absolutely will not be guilted into plastic surgery, I might do duct tape, but not unless it’s important and includes cocktails
Great! Thanks.
Folks die young in my family so getting old is fantastic in my opinion. How smart were we when young? How strong? Truly confident and not simply arrogant? I like this old body much more. I am sexier,bolder,more interesting – older.I am not interested in advancing my career, not trying to impress folks I probably don”t even like. No worries about babies or finding love. This time is grand and I sad for the women of our age who haven”t recognized the joy,freedom and adventure to be had.
LaTonya, you are right! I’ve had enough health scares that I feel great just being alive at this ripe old age! some things are worse than wrinkles.
Reblogged this on SSpjut | Writer's Blog | Stardate and commented:
Lynne Spreen reminds woman that we are beautiful, wonderful, and don’t mess with us unless you are willing to get your butt kicked.
It’s a compliment to be reblogged. Thanks.
Bravo Lynne. As always you make me proud to be me. All 56 years of me. And if there is road mileage on my face and it makes me look old, at least I know if you kick the tires, there is still tons more tread on them. LOL>
Thanks, Shawn. Maybe as we mature in this country, we’ll appreciate the look of health and happiness as much as plump-skin fecundity. Sigh. One can hope.
Hi Lynne, I read your blog religiously but have never posted a comment. This post really hit me and I wanted to ask you and your readers a question. Even with have the bags and wrinkles, if we are happy with who we are, do you think that people notice the aging less? I would rather they see my laugh lines and smile wrinkles than the luggage under my eyes!
And why in the world do they want bad lighting and mirrors in a salon where you are coming to make yourself look more beatiful?
Beverly, I’m so glad you commented. All future comments will go up immediately without the approval process, BTW. Anyway, I think part of the issue with looks is wanting to appeal to the opposite sex, if that’s a concern for an individual. Also, looking for a job and having a 30-something assume you’re slow and tired. Those could be real problems. Luckily, I live in a bubble where neither of those situations matter to me, so I’m free to celebrate my smile lines! (Re the salon, I know. You are right!)
Boy howdy, did you hit the nail on the head with this one. I grew up with a beautiful mother who did her Pond’s cold cream and her facial exercises every day of her life. Blessed with beautiful skin anyway, she never had a wrinkle line in all her 101 years. She would exhort me to do my facial exercises and a few years before she died she said I looked “older than my years.” A curse. My facial odometer does register a lot more miles than mom’s did at 101, and I’m 37 years younger! But SO WHAT!! I keep telling myself. Thanks for a great post, Lynne.
Funny you should mention mothers, Martha. I was thinking this morning of how Mom still mentions weight gain (not to our faces) or loss (“Don’t lose too much. You need your reserves.”) But I don’t recall hearing her say we look just right. At 88 (next month) she’s still very concerned about looks. I’m sure my strong feelings are at least partly based in that.
Oh I hate that mirror at the beauty salon! And when somebody tells me I look tired, I’m ready for a nap! lol
Spot on, as usual, Lynne. Great post.
I think you can look old and look great or old and lousy. Although I believe there should be no mirrors at hair salons (because one always looks particularly unappealing with dye on one’s roots, harsh lights and a black cape), I am still going to get my roots done, I”m still going to go to the gym (not maniacally let me assure you), still swipe on a lipstick before heading out. It’s me – without airbrushing and with a little (emphasis on little) effort. And I’m not going to change the American view of beauty – I am going to re-define my own. 🙂
That’s the spirit! Eyes wide open, making your own decisions. Bravo!
Well, eyes wide open with bifocals on..;-)