We Boomers may have tried too hard to give our kids a sense of self-esteem. We stand accused of rewarding the munchkins for all manner of nothingburger “accomplishments” and fostering a sense of entitlement in Gens X and Y. Now, the tide has turned. Self-esteem is out and resilience is in.
Resilience, which allows a person to roll with the punches, is built internally, and does not rely on external validation. I’ve been trying to develop it myself, because older age can be daunting.
When I am in a situation where somebody is driving me nuts, I enjoy being able to turn it around. I consider how this crazy situation might enhance or inform my life. How might I see it differently and laugh about it, or use it for enlightenment? When bad things happen, I try to find a different, more empowered, perspective. For example:
- One day, Bill was noticeably bummed out. He said he was missing his parents (both deceased). I said I was sorry, and he said, “I’m not. The pain reminds me that I loved them.” Way to turn it around.
- A guy flies past me on the freeway, cutting in and out. Instead of being pissed, I imagine he’s racing to the hospital, having gotten bad news about a loved one, and sympathy replaces my anger.
- Falling asleep last night, I was wracked by anxiety. Instead of buying into it, I told myself, “Your amygdala is on overdrive. Sleep will fix that.” It wasn’t me, it was a gland; a tired, overactive, mixed-up gland, which I could repair by nurturing my body.
- Standing in line at the pharmacy, I’m fixated on how annoying, and annoyingly slow, everybody in front of me is. But wait: it’s actually an opportunity. I whip out my phone and resume reading a novel I started last night on Kindle. Or check my email.
- In the same line, guy is talking loudly on his on cellphone, and I’m forced to listen. Instead of getting annoyed, I listen avidly for characters and situations I might use in my next novel. Thanks for the material, buddy!
I admit my examples are pretty lightweight, but the brain has a certain plasticity about it; what if you started small and worked your way up? Might this skill not help you when dealing with the heavier difficulties in life?
I get a real rush out of not feeling stuck, trapped, or victimized. Resilience is a powerful tool to use, and a good skill to model for our kids and grandkids.
What are some examples of resilience in your life?
My way of thinking and seeing things has always been different from most people. As a kid, it was a curse, and in the adult workday world it wasn’t always a positive either. But as an artist, and now “older”, I finally get to employ and enjoy it. Your positive ideas are great. I just have to work on being patient enough to practice more of them.
The new look to your site is very nice.
Thanks, Cheryl. My husband and I were musing last night at how “weird” we both are, and then one by one, analyzing the people we know, we realized mostly everybody is “weird.” We began to wonder what is “normal,” and came to the conclusion that there really isn’t such a thing…just a norm that people comply with on the surface. And that compliance erodes as we get older and more confident, which especially benefits the creation and appreciation of art. So with 70 million people reaching older age (the boomers) you should have a big, appreciative audience!
I have practiced this for years as well Lynne.
It gives me Peace, and a sense of well being.
I am retired for a reason, and that reason is because I worked so hard for many years.
Not I relax and take all of it in stride and enjoy my life because I have the time to do so!
Thank you so much for reminding people of this.
It is good to be kind to ourselves.
~~Kathleen
Kathleen, thanks for the validation. Time is one of the greatest gifts in older age, ironically just as we realize how fleeting and limited it is! BTW, I just posted a link to a book about retrospective in retirement. It’s really interesting: The Sense of An Ending by Julian Barnes. https://anyshinything.com/what-i-am-reading.
You wrote that your examples are “lightweight” but I disagree. All the things you mentioned are day-to-day events that can stack up and weigh a person down. Keeping things in perspective helps me maintain a positive attitude and bounce back from disappointments. And as you mentioned, those crappy moments can always be used in a book. Love that!
I too am interested in becoming more resilient and appreciate your tips. I’ve never been a big worrier or a “woe is me” type, but I’ve faced a few challenges over the years and have found that when I’ve faced them squarely, it has gotten me through with fewer scars. I think practicing resilience in our day-to-day lives will help when big things hit us.
You might me interested in a post I wrote about resilience back in May: http://retirementallychallenged.com/2014/05/18/resiliency/
Janis, I will read and share it. I love the title of your blog, Retirementally Challenged.
i have become fascinated by the idea of resilience. Where does it come from? Why do some not have it? I think it’s a choice when life gets challenging. Give up hope or surrender to reality and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Anne Lamott says, “left foot, right foot, left foot, breathe.” Believing there’s a God holding my hand helps, too.
Robin, I envy you that belief. And I love, love, love Anne Lamott. BTW, I just read The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) and it kind of haunts me, because her basic message was that regardless of how compelling it is sometimes to “give up hope”, those of us who survive emotionally and physically are the ones who never, never, never give up.
Heavy subject. Thanks for stopping by.
I used to whip out my phone to check E-mails at the stoplights. Then I realized I was missing a great chance to just sit, be quiet, and be in the moment. Then it became – wow, the sky is blue! Look at how pretty the clouds are! What do I hear? It’s so much less stress than pawing at my phone while watching if the light changed so I can zoom off.
I’ve also noticed – for me – that discouragement is usually accompanied by being very tired. Now when I feel discouraged, I ask if I’m really discouraged or am I just tired. Getting some sleep makes a big difference most of the time to just being more upbeat about my life and problems.
Nancy
Nancy, one of the great gifts of maturity is realizing how much “externals” can affect your outlook. Even simply being dehydrated or tired can put you in a funk, but it’s fixable, as you’ve discovered. How empowering to know this now.
Hi Lynne,
What a great way to handle anxiety! I’ve been tried to ‘settle down’ since my big move from Florida to New York. Half of me is loving life, the other half is in constant worry mode. About what? Nothing that important, that’s for sure. I’ve started meditating. But I like you’re way, too. Great post. 😀
Gawwd – wish you had an edit mode. I’m just learning how to write again, too. 😀
VONNIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Where’ve you been, girlfriend?! I saw your post about moving to NYC. What a huge change that will be. You’re brave. Well, at least you can wear your cute layers. (It’s been over 100 outside all day – can you tell I am losing my resilience?)
I’m loving the gentle breezes and low humidity of central New York (didn’t move to the city) and do not miss those high temps at all!! I hope you have a place to escape and cool off.
Thanks for stopping by my blog site. I’m slowly getting back in the game of writin’ and bloggin’. We must stay in touch. 😀
a ps only to get new posts.
Not sure I understand this second comment, Bob. Clarify? And re the longer comment, and your efforts to “embrace angst,” I agree about not whitewashing the past, if that’s what you were saying. I think we need to understand who we are, warts and all, and how we got that way, even if it hurts. So you and I are together on that.
As I may have said prior, I am working on embracing angst. Becoming the victim for the first time. By doing do I am pawing through a lot of things and at my age doing so creatively. Not woe was me, but analyzing the shadows of my life and how they have affected my character. Nice thinking piece, but that is what you are known for.