I freaked out a while back, because I learned something in therapy about why I work so hard all the time.
It’s not because I’m such an awesome person. It’s because workaholism is a form of flight, as in fight or flight. From childhood trauma, in my case. (I wrote about it here, at Kathleen Pooler’s memoir blog: The Blurred Line Between Fiction and Memoir).
Worse, the second thing about me, my curiosity about why people are the way they are, is ALSO related to growing up in danger and chaos.
So, I freaked out, thinking I’m nothing but a product of my circumstances. Which begs the question, who or what is the organic, real me? This bummed me out. Set me back a few days while I processed it.
Eventually, I came to the realization that, no matter how it happened, I am that person now, and I’m happy about it.
This is the silver lining of getting old. You can take the good and move on. But there’s a fair amount of rethinking that goes on at our age. I mean, if you’re awake.
Pre-pandemic, actress Emma Thompson was interviewed about her nest emptying out, and she admitted to questioning who she was now.
About having been a daughter, wife, mother, and performer, she said, “There’s lots of these roles that are in fact imposed on you by society, for years and years and years, then you suddenly go — am I any of those things? And if I’m not, who am I?'” Thompson said. “I was always so sure. As it turns out, I have no idea.’”
This is something we grapple with at midlife, but then you realize you’re at an age where you can answer any way you want. Which is both exciting and scary.
As a woman in her sixties, I’m not as freaked out anymore by my identity, although occasionally, it flares up as I learn more about being human. But life is rich and a mystery, and I think that’s beautiful.
I have realized, in the past month or so, that I operate out of obligation. And, I expect others to do likewise. Something I will work on. I feel obligated to do so!
Oh, BTW, I found you through Ronni Bennett’s elder blogger list. Although she is gone, I still go by there every so often and check out some of the blogs she liked.
Hi DK, thanks for commenting. I think we all do, for a variety of reasons. As long as we’re aware of our motives, it’s either okay or a learning experience.
I can’t believe Ronni’s gone.
Lynne
Lynne, this was an interesting and thought-provoking post. I am curious about your statement that “between my curiosity about why people are the way they are, is ALSO related to growing up in danger and chaos.” Because I’m similarly curious and was drawn to interview people as part of my job. I never thought to relate this curiosity to my (similarly dysfunctional) upbringing. Was this something your therapist pointed out or a conclusion that you arrived at on your own? (Feel free to ignore if this is too personal of a question.)
Not at all. In fact, I’m glad you asked, because it really threw me, to discover this. Actually, I read it in one of the many books I’ve consumed to try to figure out why I am the way I am. As I recall, this deep curiosity about human development and psychology springs from the need to control risk. I.e. if we understand, we can be better prepared. Also, we can shape ourselves to minimize risk. I’ll look for a cite and will email you if/when I put my hands on it. Best wishes.
Yes Lynne, these are exactly the issues we deal with in our 50s and 60s if our minds are alive and we are naturally curious, and this curiosity can be so LIBERATING! This is why I wrote my book “Find Your Reason To Be Here” back in 2013. I have found it so reinforcing to liberate myself from everything everybody else wants and needs me to be and finally just be ME!
Laura Lee, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I just bought the book and look forward to reading it!
I enjoyed your lovely and insightful blog post and agree 100% with everything you wrote. I would add (as a woman in her 70s) that in addition to the external forces in our lives, there’s the physical side of things. If we’re lucky, we’ll be healthy, but the energy level just isn’t where it used to be. That’s a big adjustment for me and difficult to accept. I fight it every step of the way–a form of flight, I’m sure.
I don’t think that’s flight, Sandy. I think fighting the good fight over age is just brave. I had TWO things happen today that made me feel like an old car with 250K miles on it. But there’s no trading this baby in. So we keep driving. Keep driving, Sis.