Remember Gloria Steinem’s quote on my home page?
To be defiant about age may be better than despair – it’s energizing – but it is not progress. Actually, after fifty, aging can become an exciting new period; it is another country.
Many of us boomers don’t like thinking of ourselves as old. Nope, we’re in midlife (guilty – see website subhead). Age is just a number, because we “still” (fill in the blank). I mean, you can’t be old if you went hang-gliding last weekend. But if you face the reality, you’ll be happier, says Ronni Bennett of Time Goes By:
Ronni Bennett, blogger and wise woman
On blogs, forums, commercial websites, health-related sites and more, it is amazing how many people debate this question.
Invariably, someone will say he or she (usually she) or a friend looks and acts younger than they are (whatever that means). Or someone drags out that hoary old aphorism, you’re only as old as you feel…And the all-time favorite of everyone who refuses to acknowledge the passing years – age is only a number.
The 66-year-old writing that essay refuses to accept herself as a senior because, she reports, she and her friends are active, some “still” work, others exercise, read, play with the grandchildren and volunteer. But the people at the home where the writer volunteers “are seniors for sure,” she says with some certainty, because they are “limited in what they can do.” She doesn’t say what the limitations are but it’s not hard to guess.
What she is trying to do with that statement is separate herself, as too many healthy elders do, from people of the same age who are disabled, infirm, demented or even just a little addled, never considering that there but for the grace of God…
This defensiveness is, we know, the result of fear. Fear of aging which, if you take a step back for a longer look, is just a smoke screen for fear of dying. I understand that (but)…perhaps think awhile on how much time and effort it takes to pretend you’re not old. Surely you must be exhausted from it. Surely you can imagine what a relief it would be to just – well, be.
Me? It took me years of trying to arrive at liking my old age, liking myself as an old woman but I arrived and nowadays I look forward to enjoying that achievement for many more years…
Right now, I want you to know that it’s worth the effort to shed the pretense of youth. Shed the mistaken idea of the woman above who apparently believes being old doesn’t happen until you can’t work, cook, play tennis, volunteer, exercise or play with grandchildren any longer.
But she is wrong to define old age only as the arrival of infirmity. If we are willing to be honest, old age is the natural progression of life from childhood to adolescence to adulthood and, now, elderhood.
Why waste these years trying to be something else? Do you really believe you can rid yourself of wrinkles, gray hair, a poochy belly, mashed potato thighs, saggy skin and all the other physical manifestations old age with drug store potions and wishing? You don’t need to be a Buddhist to appreciate this next thought from Buddhist writer and teacher Lewis Richmond, from his book, Aging as a Spiritual Practice.
Lewis Richmond
“As long as we keep comparing ourselves to a younger, better self (who may have been better only in hindsight), we shortchange the possibilities for becoming an older, wiser one. The wisdom of adaptation begins in the willingness to let go of who we used to be and embrace who we are now.”
Lynne here. Thank you, Ronni and Lewis, for showing us a way forward into a more peaceful, powerful mindset. This last third of our lives can be more satisfying and gratifying than we ever imagined.
Hi Lynne, I can so relate to this. I know my chronological age and what I see staring back at me in the mirror but it doesn’t match who I am on the inside. I gave up trying to hide the gray hair and accept this is how the world sees me on first glance but I’m not going to lay down and wither because the calendar says I could. Yes, my body, hair and okay my face may be something I didn’t fully appreciate when I was younger, but I’ll take this body instead because I like the person I am now better than the younger version.
Lois, that’s wisdom. Everything you said reflects where we are now. Nothing is perfect, and there’s a downside, being older. But you nailed it in your last line, and I share your contentment. Thanks for coming by. Any future comments you make will publish immediately, so hope to hear from you again. Best wishes.
Hi Lynne and thanks for a wonderfully enlightening post. I loved what Gloria, Ronni and Lewis had to say, especially this: “As long as we keep comparing ourselves to a younger, better self (who may have been better only in hindsight), we shortchange the possibilities for becoming an older, wiser one.”
What a powerful understanding and as simple a concept it seems to be, depending on the individual, it can be anything but simple! I know for myself it is something I think about more – aging that is – than I should. After all, we all age, so no surprise there, and we just need to deal with it, accept it and move on! Or not 🙂
Thanks again Lynne for the post and just for the record, I mentioned it on my own blog for my readers to check out as well!
Take care and all the best.
Lyle
ps: Love the blog and site…and I’m just not saying that to butter you up!
Thanks for stopping by, Lyle. Drop in again soon, hear?
Will do and thanks Lynne 🙂
Lyle
Lynne,
Great insight. Interesting perspective. Where’s the balance between ‘acting your age’ and ‘being your age?’ Or perhaps the question should be ‘Is there a difference between the two?’
Denis
Hi Lynne .. I came over from Doreen McGettigan’s site and have read your Hillary Clinton review of her book – for someone who would never have considered her book perhaps at some stage I should read it … even from the American perspective …
Getting old – my mother who was bedridden – said honestly darling you’re going to be a double old aged pensioner soon .. get on with things — I laughed as I thought yes Mama but I’m here with you and that’s important … or was, she died a couple of years ago.
However hang-gliding … I think I’ll stick with the ability to parajump at 98 as the chap did over the Normandy fields on the 70th anniversary of D-Day …
It’s a mental thing … but I need to get my bones exercising properly again: sorting the brain out at the moment – which is fine, but lots going on .. cheers Hilary
Hi Hilary, I’m sorry about your mother. You were both lucky to have had each other in her waning years. I’m lucky enough to still have mine. She fell 3 years ago, broke a femur and had to sell house and move, but now she’s 4 blocks from me, an easy bike ride. I couldn’t be happier, and she’s doing really well.
I actually don’t recommend the Hillary book. It’s a long (almost 600 pages) slog, however educational, but primarily she is laying out her positions pre-candidate status, re global and domestic issues. It’s more a shot across the bow of her opponents in the upcoming prez race. Which she pretends she isn’t sure she’ll enter. Although that sly equivocating reminds me of my frustration when the Mr. was in office, I do think, in this volatile world, she knows more of and more about the people poised over the firing buttons than anyone on the planet.
Your website looks enticing! We could all use some good news. For readers, here’s the link: http://positiveletters.blogspot.com/. Hilary, I hope you’ll join us often. Best wishes.
Great post, Lynne. You hit the nail on the head with this one. Although for the most part, je me sens bien dans ma peau (I feel good in my skin), I get caught up in the comparison game when I see women who are still able to run, jump & play sports. I guess old athletes die hard, but that is all more the reason why I find you and Any Shiny Thing inspirational. You help remind me that just to be is plenty enough.
Good stuff. I liked “elderhood.” Is that your term? It avoids the dread content of “old,” while suggesting an evolved perspective based on age. When your age starts with a 6 or higher, you’re old, technically. But the word is uncomfortable. I’m much more comfortable now that I have reached elderhood.
Hey Rick. Thanks for the comments – no, I borrowed it from Dr. Bill Thomas. Old has gotten such a bad rap, that it’s actually an insult now. Here’s Bill’s website: http://changingaging.org/
I’m good with being old. Considering the alternative and all. 😉
Carol, that strikes me more the older I get. I’d rather be old, with all the baggage and problems, than dead. And glad to see you visiting. Hope you’ll stop by again soon.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes! Thanks Lynne, and Ronni, for articulating something that bothers me: our denial of aging, as though to age is a bad thing! Yes, I’m past the midlife point in my life (because honestly, I don’t expect to live to 114). And yes, my skin is less firm, my hair more grey, and my energy levels a little less high. That’s what 56 going on 57 feels like, and I don’t begrudge it. Most days. 🙂
“…as though to age is a bad thing.” Karen, that’s what we’ve been force-fed for all our years. I feel this new movement starting, a new power surging, wherein we stop and say, “Wait a second! Why am I apologizing for my amazing self? I should be accepting a trophy for all I’ve been through!” We’re on to something good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFvXvfUF-Co&feature=kp
Lynne – your post resonates with me! I feel a bit in-between at age 62 – not really mid-life but not a senior either. Happy to be here, of course, (think of the alternative) but looking for another name for this wonderful stage of life.
Nancy, that would be a great project. Surely we can come up with something. Dr. Bill Thomas pointed out that we only have one word for everything after age 21: adulthood. Some, like Suzanne Braun Levine, use the term “2nd adulthood” (a pivot from 2nd childhood). Another definition would have us in “Late Adulthood,” but that’s a mouthful. Here’s the link: http://www.pccua.edu/keough/erikson's_stages_of_development.htm
PS After this first approval, your future comments will publish immediately so I hope you’ll visit often.
I love this time! I love me! I no longer have to worry about the petty competitions that were so prevalent among my peers in our younger years. It’s so . . . freeing.
Diane, thanks for your enthusiasm. Me, too!!! (And any future comments will publish instantly, no more waiting for the authorization, so hope to see more of you.)
There is more to embracing the Third Age than just the willingness to admit that one is old…although that is the first step. The ability to “embrace” this type of change comes with education and a connection to others who are choosing to “walk the path.”
It reminds me of the concepts of AA…the first step is to admit that one is an alchoholic. However, in order for an alcoholic to grow, to truly change and evolve, they must “do the work.” To just quit drinking is not enough to really “embrace” the gifts of sobriety. A person who stops drinking but does not educate themselves is referred to as a “dry drunk.” They still have the same old thinking that leads to the same old behaviors…the only thing missing is the booze.
Aging is so much less about what is happening to our outsides and more about what is happening inside…and that transformational thinking requires education and work. It is so helpful to have “guides” like you who are willing to reach out and help others come to the understanding that making the choice to embrace maturity and wisdom comes with unimaginable gifts and benefits to ourselves and our families and friends and even to our society as a whole.
So it is with much appreciation that I applaud the “work” you, Lynne, and Ronni and others are doing to “educate” and “enCOURAGE” others to not only face this important and gratifying life stage, but to actually EMBRACE this time in our lives.
It’s more than being willing to say we are old…that’s just the first step…
Sue, thanks for your thoughtful and enlightening comment. You said, “Aging is so much less about what is happening to our outsides and more about what is happening inside.” That is profound. In the face of our culture’s emphasis on (youthful, beautiful) appearance, it’s easy to forget that appearance will not steal you for illness, infirmity, or loss of family and friends. Only the internal strength will matter then. We’d best get to work on it!
Lynne…when you used the words “internal strength”…I was reminded of a blog post that just read recently that had actually been written last fall by Elizabeth Gilbert. According to what she wrote…she has already started “to work on it!”
http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/in-praise-of-the-inner-crone-ok-we-all-know-about-the-inner-child-right/
Oh, I like her. Going to bookmark that URL right now. Thanks, Sue.