Bill, Lynne and Mom (Marie) in 2010
The doctor felt sorry for the elderly woman. She had recently been widowed after seventy-three years of marriage, and now she would live out her days in this rest home. “I’m so sorry,” the doctor said. “What has it been like for you losing your husband after so many years together?” She paused for a moment and then replied, “Heaven.”
Shocking, right? That’s an anecdote from How We Age by Dr. Marc Agronin.
In our culture, the prevailing viewpoint is that everything about getting old is bad, it’s horrible, it’s hell. Okay, I get the mortality thing. I don’t want to die, and the older I get, the likelier it seems. But does that mean that the older I get, the sadder and more depressed I have to feel? That’s the message our culture shovels at us.
Unless you look for counterintelligence: according to this article in Psychology Today, people in their 70s are as happy as those in their 20s! Why do you think that is?
Bill and I were discussing age and illness the other night, and here’s something we both found comfort in: if we were to die suddenly, at least we reached the crucial milestones of having raised our kids to the point where they can take care of themselves. We’ve enjoyed fulfilling careers and traveled, seen grandchildren born, and eased the old age of our parents. I’ll bet that plays into the satisfaction our group feels. They’ve won the race; now they can stop running, unless they damn well feel like running. In which case, lace up and rock out.
In the above picture, I’m greeting my newborn granddaughter, in October 2010. I was very thin and weak, having just had surgery. Fifty years ago, the urgent need for that surgery wouldn’t have been discovered in time, and my granddaughter wouldn’t have ever met me. She turned seven a few days ago.
It gives me perspective. I feel so grateful to be older.
One of the difficulties in aging is the loss of our career identities. For thirty years I was a corporate suit. I crafted and polished this identity. I spoke and dressed and thought a certain way. It took me years to let go – actually, I still one of my pant suits. I’m afraid to wear it now; it might disintegrate in public. But I can’t just throw it in the trash.
OTOH, several years after leaving that job, I realized I could cuss and wear hippie clothes and not do my nails. Take that, bureaucracy world!
Perspective.
In our society we “fight” aging. As if that’s going to stop time. Well, it won’t, and I’ve decided to enjoy it and to seek out people who can help me understand how to do that.
In her book, Face It, Dr. Vivian Diller talks about letting go of wanting to look young in favor of wanting to look good for your age. She says the benefits of “consciously letting go of youth” are:
You will feel differently. You will feel more hopeful. You will create a solid foundation from which to grow for the rest of your life. Yes, there is loss. But you also gain something on the other side of it. There’s a comfort level, a renewed energy for other things.
There is so much that’s challenging about getting older, but I say, focus on the blessed fact that you get to do so in the first place. Don’t you feel grateful?
This is a great blog! I have always felt young and acted and looked young, but the whole world told me I was old and useless at fifty. I recently found a good job worthy of my brains, and they are amazed with my energy. I love your quote comparing death to a library burning. Luckily, my husband is preserving his family history and reconnecting with family so our daughter has a story to tell. Life is better the older you get, I’d never ever go back to my youth.
This is fabulous. I have not lost my retirement (was already retired long before it began), but still plug away at all the things I love to do and begin new things as the mood strikes. I intend to enjoy all of the years, my grandchildren, my fiance (how’s that for staying young?) and anything which strikes my fancy.
This post is one of the reasons why you need to see this: http://mommasmoneymatters.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/awards-vba-cla-la-sa/
Red.
Hey,Lynne, How could I have missed this gem? What a fabulous post about a topic near and dear to my heart~experiencing the sheer joy of living long enough to raise my kids, retire from my career and bask in the glow of a hard-earned retirement where there is” a comfort level, a renewed energy for other things” (as in things I want to do) Great post and discussion. Love your pictures too~ a bright spot in my day!
Thanks, Kathy. Isn’t Mom a cutie?
Great post! Thanks for that much-needed paradigm shift. Growing old is a privilege and we almost dishonor those who lost their lives early if we don’t at least try to enjoy every moment of growing older. Thank you for the important reminder Lynn!
Ollin, we all need examples and role models. Glad to help, my friend. And if you hear of any in the 75-dead age range, please let us know!!
I just tlaked to a woman at the book signing in Quartzsite. She told me she had always had the fantasy to do what I am doing, traveling alone in my motorhome, but her husband lived too long and now she is too elderly to do it. Everyone has their story!
Well, that’s the problem with life – sometimes you have to choose between taking your solo roadtrip and enjoying the fact that your husband is still alive! Or was 😉 If it was that important to me I’d tell him I was going to join a women’s RV group and go anyway while he’s still kickin’. Then when you got home you’d have lots to talk about.
Lately I have been kinda blue. Perhaps winter. Perhaps because my brother has gone out of town for work (we share a house). In 2008 I had a life-threatening illness that was cured by emergency surgery and powerful drugs. Then last June I was forced into retirement. So age and health have been on my mind a lot recently. I don’t want to die either. Yet I do realize I have no choice there. But in the last couple of weeks, I have started to concentrate on my health more, and to realize that worry and fret is not the way to enjoy the years (I hope!) that remain. I have been afraid to travel, due to the surgery I had. (An ileostomy) It has lasting effects, but the fear doesn’t really have a firm basis. Lots of people travel with ostomies. Travel has been one of the highlights of my life, and to lose it to fear is a price I really don’t want to pay. In May, I have booked a writing retreat in Massachusetts (for me, a 7-hour drive into another country as I am in Canada)
I will likely be going alone. It is taking a lot of “push” for me to do this, as I have been finding lately that I haven’t wanted to go outside.
Your post is such a positive one, and something that makes me pause and think YEAH! That’s what I need. A positive outlook. Stop being afraid of what could happen, or I could just die from stress and not enjoy the rest of my time!
Thanks, Lynne.
Carol
Great blog Lynne and so life affirming for us boomers. Your weekly posts give me the courage to keep shaking my tail and sallying on out the door!
What a compliment, Pat. Thanks! Now shake those tail feathers, girl.
I love all of the discussions…I’m thinking of backpacking around Europe… maybe the world soon. I still can’t let my hair go gray though! My grandfather lived to be 100…he was driving until he was 99, playing the violin, and on the computer every day! I think I got some of his genes!
I hope you did get his genes, Sherryl. Thanks for stopping by.
Love these thoughts. I’ve worked with older people for the past 30 years, and realize that most of the time, attitude makes all the difference! I know two sisters who are 80 and 82 respectively. The older of the two has a few more medical problems, but on the whole, you’d think they were 20 years apart in age, not 2 years apart. One volunteers at the hospital and at a thrift store, has a beautiful garden, runs a book club (reads constantly), entertains neighbors,is a world traveler, goes to the gym, and is interested in a wide variety of things. The other sits in front of the tv and goes to bed at 8:00 – no hobbies, no real interests, no close friends, and seeming to become more frail and “old” all the time. Amazing to me what attitude and not thinking we’re “old” can make in our lives!
Oh, man, Corinne, that is the example I want to follow. What a great mental image I’m getting. Thank you so much!
I work with 20 and 30 years olds and hope I am setting a great example for them by being first in at work, last out, with more vim n vigor than all of them put together (it’s pacing!), letting my hair go grey, joking about my wrinkles the “Buddha belly” lap for my grandbabies, and generally enjoying the hell out of my day! I love being 52. Wouldn’t go back for nothin’!
You ARE an example! Hopefully when they get older they’ll know what to do, how to act, how to own their lives, from following your example. We need more of you, but in the 75-85-year old range!
I LOVE this blog! You are the voice of our generation-
Thank you, Lynne–ANOTHER very enjoyable read!!!
Marla
http://www.womenover45SPEAK.com
Wow, thanks, Marla! See you in San Diego.
I love the quote from Psychology Today stating that folks in the 20’s aren’t any happier that those in their 70’s. I would go one step further and and dare to say that many 70 year olds are happier! Sure, there are a few more aches and pains, but those are easy payment for the wisdom, enlightenment and discernment that only comes from the experience of life. I would not go back to my 20’s for all the tea in China!
Amen to that!
Wow, Lynne, what an upbeat, optimistic post! I think it should be fairly easy to be happy in old age, provided you have your health, more than two cents to rub together, and a purpose. I do feel sorry for those who must spend their “golden” years strapped to a chair, lonely, forgotten, penniless, and ailing in mind or body. Our country really should stop thinking of “old age” as a curse and start revering old folks as the treasure trove they are!
Debbie, one of the members of our book club recently made me aware of the truism that “every time an old person dies it’s like a library burning.” Doesn’t that just say how important our seniors are? I love that. Happy weekend.
Barbara Strauch reports in “The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain” that our brains may well be choosing happy as we get older. So I choose to join my brain on this journey forward, a collaboration I couldn’t have pulled off until now. I’m still keeping the Dior single-button, shawl collar suit; like you, the past business model. It was a find! Just like my current happier brain. Thanks, Lynne, for another thoughtful start to the weekend!
Good to hear from you, too, Linda. The more I read about brain development and function, the more it seems true that we create patterns in our grey matter. And we can change those patterns. The “happy choice” is probably that very thing. Empowering!
I lost my retirement dreams in the great recession, but it has been an opportunity for me to reinvent myself and work at something I love. I am 61 and have great plans for the future. After all, 3 of my grandparents lived into their 90s. My mom is 87 and still going strong, so I figure I have a lot of living left to do, and unlike in my younger years, I don’t feel the necessity to impress anyone. Who says old age is for sissies?
Laura
Laura, you’re like a double shot of espresso and a walk through an art gallery all rolled into one. I feel energized and inspired by your post.
Great piece Lynne. I have consciously let go of needing to be young, but I still feel youthful and better than ever. And, like you, have let go of the professional me to create room to develop the personal me.