Forgiveness is confusing.
When my dad died a few years back, a family member and her husband flipped out and attacked the rest of the family. I figure they misunderstood something, panicked and overreacted, and then they couldn’t back down for years, probably out of embarrassment or just not knowing how to stop without feeling stupid.
Then Mom fell and broke her leg and things began to change. The family member (FM), moved in with Mom. She helped with Mom’s convalescence and also organized and packed almost the entire house, which Mom had agreed to sell. Mom was scared and angry. She grieved Dad’s loss, that of her network of friends and of her beloved high desert. FM had to deal with that, as well as her own physical pain. She wasn’t in the best of health herself, but she remained stoic and kept working.
As time went by, FM began hinting at remorse and a desire for a better relationship. Which is what happened.
After all that went down, I can’t believe I came around to a place where forgiveness is possible. I don’t mean the kind of forgiveness where you accept that the offender is a total asshole and walk away, just to keep yourself healthy. No, this is the old-fashioned kind of forgiveness, where I actually feel compassion for FM, and derive no joy from her remorse.
Which is confusing. I had clung to my anger out of self-respect. Having been physically and verbally abused all through my childhood and first marriage, I swore I would never allow anyone to do that to me again. Forgiving an abuser feels like I’m still a doormat, like I’m once again capitulating to the dark forces.
Given the above, will I ever be able to maintain a self-protective wall of anger? Isn’t it necessary? How can I preserve my self respect if I go around forgiving all the time?
After a lot of thought, I’ve found my answer. I share it with you because it’s beautiful. It’s my gold watch, my gift of a long lifespan, the reward of having lived through family vitriol and come out the other side with my sanity:
Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter.
That’s the answer, and it’s shocking to me. Sometimes, it’s just not important to hang onto the anger. To quote one of my friend’s favorite sayings, “The tide comes in. The tide goes out.” Everything changes.
Recently, there was another dustup in my family (I know; we must be a bunch of brawlers, right?) But based on all the above experience, I’ve decided this too will pass. Or not. It doesn’t matter. I’ve gone on with my days, and I don’t think about it anymore. It’ll resolve itself or it won’t, but everything changes. You just have to go on, and have a good life. No sense spending all that precious energy hanging on to the anger.
This is yet another gift of older age. After a while, you earn resilience. Quite the silver lining, wouldn’t you say?
This must be a developmental stage we are invited to learn or a universal truth we come to recognize. I relate to so much of it. It’s important for me to keep boundaries but not put up walls.
And that’s the challenge, Colleen. Knowing how to do that and be true to yourself, unless that’s not the most important thing in a particular situation. Good thing we’re older. They say the older brain is better at complexity. Thanks for stopping by.
There is a song by Don Henley called “The Heart of the Matter.” The poignant lyrics state, “There are people in your life who have come and gone, they let you down, they hurt your pride. Better put it all behind you, cause life goes on, you keep carrying that anger, it will eat you up inside.”
You equally shared the same message.
Thank you.
The lyrics say it best, Daron. Thanks for weighing in.
Dear Lynne,
I feel like I’ve just met a kindred spirit. Indeed, forgiveness is liberating. I’m glad you found a place of peace within your soul. Forging ahead and making a beautiful life despite the ruckus and madness around us is the best way I know to make the world a better place where I’m at, in the moment. Life is certainly an adventure.
Kindest regards,
Cat
It surely is that, Cat. The expression, “May you have an interesting life,” is also thought to be a curse. But I’d choose alive rather than the alternative. I’m glad you found us. Hope you’ll stop by often.
I am very happy to hear that you and your FM have been able to come to terms with the past. It is so hard to let go of hurt feelings but so uplifting when one is not carrying all that weight around.
What a beautiful reminder this week, of the importance and healing balm of forgiveness. Loved reading the comments and the common experience of anger, forgiving and desiring to be forgiven. We can all relate and probably all know the freedom and peace of mind that comes with forgiving. Just lovely, Lynne.
Thanks, Barbara. It’s great to hear from you.
This essay is truly relevant to what matters this week. I am struck by what you say about your childhood, and the patterns and habits which easily result from that, for everyone. Love is the answer. Nuff said. We can’t know another’s heart, and it is liberating to focus on our own inward journey as a conscious soul. Thank you for your writing. It helps many people.
Gloria, to “focus on our inward journey as a conscious soul” is a phrase that moves me. Many times I have drawn comfort from telling myself that this is what’s happening, when nothing else makes sense – when nothing else can shield me from the pain. Isn’t it moving to know that we all have this in common? So comforting to me. Thanks for coming by.
Excellent post on the power of forgiveness to allow us to live happier, more peaceful lives. It is truly the silver lining of aging. For me, some of my greatest acts of forgiveness have come during times of my greatest suffering. The human condition makes all vulnerable to error and acknowledging weaknesses within ourselves allows to be more tolerant of those shortcomings in others, even those who have hurt us.
Pat, if I were sitting at the feet of a spiritual teacher I don’t think I could have heard the “value” of suffering explained any better. It allows for the greatest growth in some cases. For me, so true. Thank you.
Loved your blog and many of the comments. I’ve often thought when people have said they forgive, they really mean they have taken the power of the anger away from controling their life. Everyone grieves differently and I think your sister probably hurt from heartache at the loss of your father and didn’t know what or how to ask for help to deal with it. One of the blessings of my senior years is the release of feeling I have to know all the answers. I can say “I don’t know”, and what a bore if I really did. Even this old fool can learn new things or at least hear them and distill the ideas for my use.
My latest thought for the powers that be. I’ll think outside the box and sometimes get out of my comfort zone, just be sure to leave my comfort zone alone so it’s there for me to get back to. Whew, time for a nap.
Sally, I admire you. You are your own person. You are curious about things, you look for data, and then you make up your own independent mind. I wish I had known your mom. From everything Bill says she was a sharp cookie, too.
I like that. The tide comes in. The tide goes out. Words to live by.
Lynn, the simplest sayings contain so much wisdom, don’t they?
Yes, we do need time to learn resilience. And, I let go more easily now that I have less energy!
See, Amma, another benefit of being older: wise enough to conserve the energy for the important stuff.
Mark Twain is credited with saying: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” That was true a hundred years ago and it’s true today.
As always, I enjoyed today’s thought-provoking and insightful post. Thank you for sharing your experience.
And thanks for stopping by, Sandy. BTW, I just finished “IOU Sex” (http://www.amazon.com/I-O-U-Sex-ebook/dp/B004CFAPA4/ref=sr_1_2)
and it’s true that I laughed, I cried, and I loved it! I’ll do a review PDQ.
Forgiveness really isn’t natural — it’s spiritual. That said, it feels so GOOD that we have to do it (for ourselves, if not for the other party). And yes, the older we get, the more we realize two things: that life is short, and that we don’t need the angst of fighting all the time. Well said, Lynne! Here’s hoping peace will reign in your family soon!
Thanks, Debbie. If it does, it probably won’t last. 😉
Given our history! But at least I’m getting better at handling it.
Lynne, I just love your writing & your heart. I follow you all the way, in every essay. And I understand how difficult it is to stay true to yourself after an abuser has hurt you and your family members. And the struggle to take the “high road” of forgiveness just cause you know that’s the right thing to do (because everyone says so, you know, about how toxic the anger is and the power it has over you, etc.). But I wonder if it’s possible to let go of the anger about the injustice of it all but not to forgive, because some people just haven’t earned that forgiveness. Like a Born Again ex who blames his past abusive behavior on the Devil (“The Devil was having His way with me”), and doesn’t take accountability himself. And explains that he doesn’t need my forgiveness because Jesus already forgave him. You know what I mean? In your case, it sounds like your FM has true remorse. For me, accountability is key to forgiveness. And letting go of anger is separate from forgiveness, because “The tide comes in, the tide goes out” and you’re either changed afterward, or you’re just wearing a different costume…
Lisa, you have it much worse than me. I’m the lucky one in that my FM actually demonstrated remorse and a desire for forgiveness. That made it easier to cave toward forgiveness. In real life, it’s more likely that what happens is the infuriating-to-the-point-of-murder situation like you describe with that self-righteous SOB. As if he and the Devil and Jesus are all that matter and you’re just collateral damage. Holy crap.
The only power you have is to walk away, free from his manipulative, sick brain. I hope you are free now. (And thanks for all the nice things you just said about my writing. I’m glad to know it resonates.)
No matter how long we live, there is still time to learn. I have carried the hurt and anger of wrongdoings for years, and I loved the perspective “the tide comes in, the tide goes out”. Thank you for sharing this story.
You’re welcome, Debra. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you, Lynne, for writing this. I’m dealing with this from the opposite side – I’m the one not being forgiven, though for exactly what I’m not sure. My 51-year-old daughter still holds a grudge for things I did or didn’t do. It’s not fun from this side either, but at least I’ve learned resilience — and my other two kids like me. 😉 Que sera.
Hi Jean, I’m sorry to hear it, but if it’s any comfort, you’re not alone. My husband and I joke about “getting an email.” As in, “you’d better watch your Ps and Qs or you might get a nasty email.” The original senders have forgiven HIM for not reading their minds, but I’m still under the bus. Oh well, their loss.
Lynne: I can so relate to this. Several years ago my sister was diagnosed with scleroderma and lupis (both autoimmune diseases that cause the body to attack its self). Once the disease got to the point where she could no longer live on her own, my youngest niece moved her in with her and her family. Over the issuing months the pressure of caring for her dying mother, struggling with a less than easy marriage and raising two young girls eventually resulted in an explosion of bitterness and rage you find only on soap operas and murder novels. And I was the focus of all that anger and rage – publicly – all over the internet.
Long and short is that my sister died believing the terrible lies my niece fabricated about me, and forgiving her for that has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to choose to do. The tipping point was that I had to realize that not forgiving her gave her power over my life.
The choice is not easy, but for the sake of our own hearts, necessary.
Oh, my God, Shawn. I’m so sorry. How sad and horrible. I guess the thing I’d try to lean on would be the knowledge that my sister isn’t suffering anymore – hopefully she’s aware now of all the greater issues that were at play, and is looking down on you two with compassion. And you and your niece have each other, linked by your sister. Or not. Life is short. Get the most out of it, either by reconnecting or walking away, empowered by the fact that it’s your decision. My great condolences, sister.
“The tide comes in. The tide goes out.” I’ve never heard that saying but think that it so apt. I have never had much in the way of family so I can only guess how disheartening/frustrating it must be to feel the burden of anger toward them. I think that letting it go with grace, like you have demonstrated, will lighten your days and make your life more enjoyable. Hope that you are able to let it go again, so that you can continue to feel at ease.
Ally, you give me too much credit. I let it go like a starving dog lets go of a bone: snarling and resentful. But as I slunk away from the bone I realized it was better that way. I’m happier now, thanks.
I’ve lived through a very similar experience just recently and in the past regarding my own parents. What a timely post for me. When all is said and done, it rarely ever matters who’s right and who’s wrong. Carrying around the anger damages more than the one person – it infects an entire family. And at the bottom of a lot of the conflict are no good reasons – just differences of opinion and hurt feelings. Anger is a destroyer. Best to let it go as soon as one can.
Dog, you’re so right. It’s completely incomprehensible to me that it could have happened in the first place; the pain and anger was unbelievable. Moving beyond it is just as confusing – yet, it’s a balm. It feels like true freedom, where you get to walk away without any fanfare, just a feeling, as Cindy said above, of being lighter. Weird. Gratifying. But weird.
Words to live by, Lynne. Thanks for this post. A great reminder to just “turn the page…”
Good to hear from you, Roxanne. Hope things are going well for you in RI.
Great blog on forgiveness, Lynne. Good job, really.
Thanks, Peggy. It’s not pretty to be human sometimes, but the greatest accomplishment is knowing what’s important. PS I miss you and Mary Jane.
Lynne, I feel forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves as you have shown so beautifully here. It may not be easy, in fact it usually isn’t at all, but it certainly is worth the sense of freedom and peace that results- live and let live. So happy you found it with your FM. Very important and thought-provoking post for all. Thanks!
Kathy, as much as you’ve been through, you know what matters. I appreciate your insights.
It is liberating, I think, to just let the anger go. It’s a very hard thing for me to do sometimes; I can hang on to a grudge for a long time. When I do let go of it, it amazes me how much lighter and happier I feel all around, not just toward that person. Thoughtful post; thank you!
Thank you, Cindy. It IS freeing, but in order to let go, you have to have control over ego, I think. Which it sounds like you do. What a gift.
Indeed a silver lining…When our sons were teenagers (each learning exactly how to pluck Andy’s last nerve, I would listen to him rail about dirty socks, messy rooms, snarkiness…and I would ask him “Is this something that it is going to matter to you in five years? If the answer is ‘yes’, I’ll engage fully. But if this is low on the long term care factor scale, then let it go.” Interestingly, my sons have held onto this perspective too..
Mimi, I get that. I remember we used to say at work, “it’s not a hill I want to die on.” It’s great to have perspective. I admire yours.