Several years ago, a friend and I were talking about what we would do after we “retired.” I wanted to start a new career writing, teaching part-time, doing public speaking gigs, and blogging. She wanted to start a preschool! After decades at our corporate jobs, this was how we viewed retirement.
I was reminded of our conversation as I read the excellent book Retiring but not Shy, by Ellen Cole and Mary Gergen. The book is a collection of essays by women psychologists on the subject of their own retirement. Although some essays were by women who retired a while back, the ones I found most troubling were by those who were either considering retirement or had recently retired.
Like my friend and I, these bright, well-educated women had laundry lists of all the incredible new tasks and initiatives they would undertake. Retirement meant converting from busy/busy to busy/busy. Beyond financial security, many seemed afraid that giving up their jobs meant they would no longer “matter.” These stellar professionals, some of minority ethnicity, feared being marginalized by society after retirement.
Especially for us feminists, it’s hard to imagine walking away from the battlefield. We struggled against the social tide for those degrees, titles, professions and salaries. The achievement of professional stature became our our identity, our source of power, our protective shield.
When I gave up my profession, I didn’t feel special anymore, and looking back, this was where my post-retirement life got interesting. I found myself tackling some heavy questions.
- Did I have value to society without my work? Does anybody?
- Did I fear a judgment I’d attached to others who didn’t work? (As a society, this question has implications with elders as well as stay-at-home parents.)
- Would I ever have the confidence not to work? To give up positional power? To still see myself as special, even without the hard-won mantle of office?
Ultimately, the greatest triumph of my sixth decade was gaining a sense of self-worth exclusive of my profession. To value myself without the suit and heels meant I had to view the rest of society in a more forgiving way. to look beyond the uniform and titles – or lack thereof.
In the book, one of the writers asks: if work equates to feminism and independence, to what does retirement equate?
I have come to see retirement as a time of enlightenment and the letting go of ego.
One writer says “I believe that even in retirement women must contribute to make a difference, to be perceived as powerful and to have power.” But powerful in whose estimation? We cannot make society respect us – we can only respect ourselves. And as for feminist battles, can’t we just model feminist principles as we putter in the yard, go to church, or help out down at the shelter? Why do we need to start a new national/international effort toward whatsis?
Will we ever accept that we are good enough?
I never gained much self-worth from my profession as an academic librarian for 25 years. It was only after losing my job that I fully acknowledged that fact. I gain so much more from my counseling and writing now, even though the pay is minimal. I guess I am one of those do-what-you-love people who never makes a lot of money, but knows they are making some difference in the lives of others.
It’s all about being conscious – of who you are, what you need, whether you’re getting it or not, etc. I’m glad you’re happier now, Laura Lee.
Lynne, this post resonates with me, too, even though I haven’t even considered retiring yet for financial reasons. A part of me longs to give up the rat race and another part fears the isolation especially living abroad. My sister, also a teacher, is retiring at the end of next year, so I will be looking to her to lead the way. Thanks for another thought-provoking post.
Luckily you have your sister to show you the way, Pat. Keep us posted.
Hi Lynn-
I’ve been reading your blog since a mutual friend, Dawn, told me about it. This post struck a personal chord for me as I struggle with these same issues of retirement. Little by little, I am letting those feelings go and relishing this time that we all work so hard for, so we can enjoy the things we love to do and new things we never had time to do.
Cheers for your blog and retirement!
Michelle
Michelle, I’m so glad it resonates for you. This is such an exciting time of our lives isn’t it? Hope to see you soon.
My sister is going through this difficult transition in retirement now. In fact, she’s planning on going back to work full or part time. I feel for her. I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how a person leaves that job self behind and finds the real self within. It definitely has made me think more and more about what my retirement might look like.
SDS, if she is lucky enough financially to be able to make the choice, that’s a blessing to celebrate right there. And if she’s self-aware enough to be able to say that she truly enjoys her work that much, then going back is probably a good idea. If not, maybe going back will help her rethink who she is and what she wants. In any case, I wish her happiness…and you too. What a caring sister you are.
Your post was so timely. I had a long talk with her yesterday and never knew what she was going through. She said that she was “embarrassed” to be complaining about retirement. That’s so sad. I want her to have joy in whatever she decides to do.
Once again we seem to be on a similar path, Lynne. Recently I was talking with someone who is planning to retire not long after I do about the concept of “blooming where we’re planted” and she was aghast. I can’t help but think that if we’re stuck in the mode of always having to reach for the next best thing we won’t to adjust well in retirement. True, retirement often means a second (or third or fourth) act as we have time to pursue other passions but, like you, I believe we’ve earned the right to just be. Great post as always.
Thanks, Linda. So much of what we do is driven by fear. If we can identify the fear, maybe we can negate it. Many Boomers are afraid to admit they’re getting old. Driving ourselves for the sake of not being seen as old is a bad reason. We only have one life! Whatever we do should be with our eyes open. Thanks for coming by; have a great weekend.
Your blog and all the comments have been so helpful. I was a SAH Mom for years and then worked part time for several years. I have health issues now that have really slowed me down. And yet, I still struggle with “What is Enough??”
Amma, thanks. I once heard a guy named Dennis Palumbo speak (http://dennispalumbo.com/category/biography-of-dennis-palumbo/) to a group of writers. He is a former therapist-to-the-stars who wouldn’t name names, darn it, but he told us that so many of his clients suffered from fears of inadequacy in spite of successful careers and celebrity. At the end of his talk, this nice man said he wanted to leave us with one gift. He grasped the podium, looked out over this sea (pond?) of eager faces, and said, “Let me tell you this: You are enough. You are ENOUGH.” I felt such kindness emanating from his statement. Plus, he seemed to know what he was talking about. I never forgot it.
That’s what we have to learn! To know when to say, I am enough. And then to relax and live.
Lynne, I loved your blog and all the insightful comments. You really got me thinking and it was too long for a comment, so I wrote it in my blog http://leafriverwriter.com/?p=253&preview=true. Hope it’s okay that I left the link.
Absolutely, Deborah. It’s a compliment. I’ll read it just as soon as my very active grandbaby goes down for his nap!
Lynne, you’re lucky to have them close. Mine is six hours away–too far for these old bones lately.
Would be for me, too, and I do feel lucky and blessed about them.
Lynne as usual you raising some provacative questions. I’ve been “retired” for many years. As a young child, when I thought about people dying, it didn’t make sense that everything we learned in a lifetime was lost. Much older now, I realize that much of what I’ve learned about being true to myself, relevant but not ego drive, has come from people who lived ages ago. Sometimes I think of my life as a seed caster, sharing what I have learned from those who have gone before me as well as what I have learned from living through the joys and sorrows of life. Do I retire from learning and sowing to rest because I’m in the later half of life or is it better to learn how to balance my need to be relevant-continue to learn-with periods of deliberated time outs to replenish and restore aging energy? Living is a wonderful mystery isn’t it?
Well said, Dolores. It IS a wonderful mystery, not the least reason of which is that so many answers are correct. I especially like your solution, as it allows for both “drive time” and down time. I think I’ll try to incorporate it (talk about sowing seeds!)
I once read an essay called “The Silence of the Sky,” wherein man calls out to the firmament, and then laments the apparent lack of a cosmic presence who will prescribe to and care for him. The silver lining is the existence of free will. What a terrifying, yet empowering situation.
So good to hear from you! I hope life is treating you well. Thank God for the Internet, that we can stay in touch.
Lynne That’s a very interesting and somewhat troubling take on retirement. I plan on sitting on the couch for the first 6 mos 🙂
It reminds me of how in the 80s when I was a fulltime mom and housewife I often felt belittled when in social arenas where the women felt that if I wasn’t working outside the home I didn’t matter. When I do finally retire I plan on focusing on my passions, reading, interviewing authors, and of course blogging about all of the above.
deb
Deb, that’s the thing that stopped me cold: I realized I had accepted society’s judgment that paid work/career was the most important determinant of a person’s value. In retirement, I had to reject this judgment, which led to reassessing other Americans not working outside the home, and society needs to do the same, both with the elderly and SAH Parents.
And it interests me that the retiring psychologists have not yet come to the same realization.
Enjoy your quiet time. And send a note to Hillary that she would like it, too.
As a feminist woman I find this an interesting conversation. As a 62 year old woman I find myself unable to do anything but work. I lost my counseling job 6 years ago and was unable to find another. I have started an online business and will have to continue to work to support myself. I don’t need outside validation. I am happy with who I am. I would rather see more women my age having the option to retire, but I know too many like myself who are divorced and after spending many years as at home moms do not have the funds to retire.
Thanks for posting this.
Laura
Laura, I apologize for seeming insensitive about the need to / have to question re working. Esp. after the Great Recession, so many of us are just trying to get by. Thank you for the reminder that to have the choice between self-validation vs. other-validation is in itself a luxury.
Jan, AMEN says it all. Best wishes on your actual retirement. Let me know how it develops, will you? I’m so interested in the transitional years for us women.
Fascinating discussion. I think that the real issue is whether or not you worship at the altar of external validation. If you only define yourself by how others perceive you, then retiring from that will be almost impossible. Hence, the need to be busy/busy. If, however, you define yourself from within disregarding societal expectations, you’ll find retirement to be the best time ever. Do what you want, in the way that you want– and you will matter. It’s that simple.
Simple and complicated, Ally. I sense from your writings that you’ve practiced this a while. When I first retired, it was a brand new challenge for me, one I hadn’t even known to expect. So here is yet another accomplishment of The Second Half, another acquisition of self.
Yes, it is an acquisition of self that I’ve found to be more authentic than anything I did previously. But due to situations beyond my control, I’ve always been an outsider so perhaps the transition to retirement wasn’t as dramatic for me. Like I said, fascinating discussion. Good topic, Lynne.
I wrote with similar sentiment earlier this week Lynne..certainly asking the questions at least, though I couldn’t provide any answers. The drive to keep doing, the manner in which we define contribution and purpose. I think it requires a re-calibration – one that may take a little longer than we (I) may like.
Mimi, I went to your blog and was delighted to know of it – and the title is so cool. Subscribed.
You’re right. Your post speaks of the same issue, beautifully wrought. I am so curious what others are doing with their Second Half, so this was candy for me. And we’re both recovering HR peeps. Here’s the link for others to check out: http://waitingforthekarmatruck.com/2013/04/03/the-relentless-drops-of-water/
It really is interesting that we’re both recovering HR peeps (I love that phrase).. I’m checking out a few options – as soon as I’m done with three weeks of non-stop consulting projects!!