Kathleen Pooler, Author
At this age, many of us are evaluating our lives, wondering why we made so many bad choices.
In her brand-new memoir, my friend Kathy Pooler, nurse, cancer survivor, and all-around-good girl, comes to understand why she married two abusive and borderline-dangerous men. It’s a great narrative which reads like a novel. As I read, I felt like screaming “NO!” Of course, it’s easy to say that now, having earned better judgment after living through my own bad decisions.
In the following interview, edited for brevity, Kathy refers to “magical thinking,” a phrase popularized by the great Joan Didion. In general, this is when you cling to the hope that something will happen to magically change your spouse from, say, a philanderer to faithful, or an addict to drug-or-alcohol-free, if only we love them enough. If only we put up with enough. If only…
Why did you write Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse?
I started out writing a different story about a cancer diagnosis and watching a beloved son spiral downward into substance abuse but realized I could not write about that until I wrote about getting into and out of two abusive marriages…It is possible to climb out of the abyss of poor decisions and go on to live life on your own terms.
Was there any one person who was your inspiration for your main character?
Me. I was driven by the question: “How does a young woman from a loving Catholic family make so many wise choices about career, yet so many poor choices about love, that she and her two children end up escaping from her second husband for fear of physical abuse?” It was time to answer the question that had been asked of me my entire life by those who loved me.
In the book, you say “a loving family, a solid career and a strong faith cannot rescue her until she decides to rescue herself.” Why do you feel that way?
One of the lessons I learned when I wrote this book is that…I only needed to claim and honor my own inner strength. I was the only one who could do it for myself. It sounds so simple, but it took me years to realize this.
What’s the most important thing readers will learn from Ever Faithful to His Lead?
Three things come to mind:
- One does not have to sustain broken bones or bruises to be abused. Emotional abuse is harmful and the impact on the children of mothers who are in abusive relationships is far-reaching and damaging.
- Abuse impacts all socioeconomic groups. I was a masters-prepared nurse from a loving family and yet I got into two emotionally abusive marriages.
- Denial and magical thinking can keep one from recognizing abusive behavior and taking action.
Lynne here. Whew. I’m no stranger to domestic abuse – grew up with it and married into it, twice (but I must clarify that, as with Kathy, we are now in loving, gratifying marriages). But this memoir took me back. On a lighter note, I enjoyed the references to Growing Up Boomer, since Kathy and I are the same age. Ever Faithful is an enlightening book, one that younger women would benefit from reading – before they choose life partners.
Let’s switch gears and talk about the writing life. I asked Kathy:
When do you write? Is it easier to write in the morning or at night?
I don’t have a specific routine. The muse can strike early in the morning, in the afternoon or late at night. I’ve had times when I’ve awakened up in the middle of the night to write because the thoughts swirling in my head would not let me rest until they found a place on the page. I do know that if I do not get my quota of writing done during the day, I often end up staying up late.
Who’s your favorite author?
That’s a tough question because I read a variety of authors. But two of my favorites are James Michener for the rich detail of his historical novels and Ernest Hemingway for his sparse prose that says so much. And of course, Lynne Spreen! I mean, if Jim and Ernie were alive today, they’d want to know her secret for slapping a novel together.
Okay, I wrote that. – LMS
Where can we buy the book? Amazon, Kobo, Barnes and Noble, my website, Pen & Publish Press.
10% of the proceeds of the sale of Ever Faithful to His Lead will go toward the National Coalition for the Awareness of Domestic Violence.
Great platforms, great reads, great friends. I am a fan of both Lynne’s Dakota Blues and Kathy’s newly released Ever Faithful to his Lead. I am honored to call both of them friends.
So nice to see you here,Pat. The feeling is entirely mutual. Your memoir HOME SWEET HARDWOOD is a winner and your friendship a gift. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Ditto from me!
I have such admiration for your strength and courage. I was the victim of an abusive relationship once but I refuse to let it stay with me. I think of myself as a survivor and I actually realize it made me stronger. I know it’s silly, but that song Taylor Swift sings has it kind of right–someone who always has to be so “Mean” will likely never amount to anything but being MEAN. While you’ll go forward and be strong and loving and impact people’s lives positively.
Beautiful, Stephanie. Thanks.
Thank you , Stephanie. You nailed it when you said,you “refused to let it stay with me.” When we claim and honor our own inner strength, it is possible to move on and find freedom from abuse and a life we want and deserve. I appreciate your comments.
Oh my. What a timely and encouraging topic. Kathy’s memoir resonates with me as it clearly does with many boomer women. My personality was woven by a milquetoast mother and a bully of a father. I added my own thread by marrying a man much like my father. I always felt my goal in life was to change my husband into being the type of man I wished I had married. Coming from an alcoholic dad and emotionally absent mom, he, too, was emotionally distant and a bully. My own insecurities allowed this behavior for far too long. I don’t view it as an excuse that neither of us knew any better. What we both learned from our parents was how we didn’t want to treat our children. I am grateful that they are both responsible, bright, and caring husbands and fathers. I am working through my lifelong experiences through my novel (still in progress) and find it quite cathartic. I am pleased that I met you, Lynne, at a talk you gave at IECWC. Before you, I had no idea there was such a thing as “boomer lit”, and I believe we have much to communicate to one another and to younger generations. Thank you for the conversations you’ve opened up to me.
Bev, it looks like many of us have the same experiences! The first third of your comment reads like the story of my own life. Thanks so much for sharing yours.
Thanks for sharing your story, Bev. Writing my memoir helped me to shed the shame and guilt I carried within for years and heal. If my story helps just one person find their own way to freedom from abuse, I will be happy. Best wishes on your novel and thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Appears the book has a vast and needed appeal.
Exactly, Haralee. We can learn from each other.
Thank you, Haralee! I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I agree with Lynne. We all can learn from one another.
I enjoyed reading this. I’m sure that Kathleen’s story will touch a lot of lives. And I agree with Heather: memoirs like this are definitely important because they help others going through the same situation realize that they are not alone. Thanks for sharing.
And thanks for coming by, Quanie. Hope to hear from you again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Quanie. I agree we can all benefit by sharing our stories.
I have a pretty strong sense of myself, so when I found myself in an abusive rebound marriage after my first husband left, no one was more surprised than I. I refused to believe I couldn’t change it at first, but after three years I was gone. Three years was too long, too. I regret nothing, though. I see why I married him and how it was part of my journey.
Carol, that strong sense of self – where do you think it comes from? Can it be taught?
Carol, I appreciate your comments. I always thought of myself as a strong person–successful in every area of my life EXCEPT in my relationship with men. It wasn’t until I wrote my memoir that I was able to fully explore the reasons why, understand my role in making it happen and reach a point of forgiving myself for putting myself in the wrong situation. We become empowered when we own outré mistakes and take action to change for the better. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Lynne,
As always, an informative post and a great interview with Kathleen Pooler. Yes, I have had to learn the same lesson in my life with an abusive ex-husband, as well. . . and Yes, the help i needed to walk away had to come from within. I was full of idealistic “magical thinking” and believed i could change the behavior by becoming better at everything. Memoirs like this are important — women locked in a cell of misery can take strength from knowing they can be free from this one day. I thank Kathleen for sharing. . . and you too!
Heather, it’s amazing how universal (at least in American culture) this theme is. We are raised to be doormats, many of us. We are raised to believe a mate can change for the better if only we love them enough or suffer enough on their behalf. Then we get older and realize it isn’t true, but unfortunately, we already raised our children the same way. That’s what riveted me about Kathy’s book. Her culture had such benign intent, and yet…
Dear Heather, thank you for your supportive comments. My greatest hope is that my story will help others connect with their own stories and give them hope that freedom from abuse is possible as long as we take responsibility for our own happiness.
Dear Lynne,
Thank you for the opportunity to share my story with your lovely community. I appreciate your thought-provoking questions and how you always stimulate such rich discussions! It’s been a great ride since we met in Cincy!
Kathy, wasn’t that serendipity? I’m so happy we’re friends. And I’m thrilled that you published. Your book is really entertaining, informative, and rich. BTW, I’m sorry your comments didn’t appear in a more timely manner. Thanks to your inquiry, I checked my spam folder, found five of them (!) and approved them. So you should be good now forever.
XOXO!
I’m proud to know both Kathy and Lynne — and to call them friends! While I haven’t had the pleasure of reading Kathy’s memoir yet, I intend to (and I’ve read Lynne’s “Dakota Blues” and enjoyed it immensely). Maybe one of these days, I’ll get to join your elite ranks with the publication of my own novel!!
Kathy, I sure know of what you speak — ideas and characters swirling around in my head have forced me from my bed more often than I can count!
Debbie, when you do publish your book, we three need to get together and celebrate,. How about going on a book tour together? What fun! Thanks so much for your ongoing support and cheers.
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie! So incredibly good to hear from you, my friend. Thank you for stopping by and saying hi. I hope you are well and loving life. What’s the news with your son? Did he graduate from Notre Dame yet? I’m so out of the loop.
This sounds like an excellent and important book. I’ve added it to my list.
Thank you, Sandra. I ‘d love to hear your thoughts after you read it!
Oh, Sandy, it resonates. You will love it.
I lost nearly fifteen years of myself in a very bad marriage; trying to “mind” everyone else in my life. Be a good daughter, a good girl, a good student, a good steward, a proper wife and mother. I tried to please them all. I nearly checked out, thinking “There must be something wrong with me. My life is no worse than lots of women. I’m not trying hard enough. If I didn’t do this – he wouldn’t do that.” On and on. My strength finally came from the love of/for my two children. I concentrated on what was best for them, and in doing so, began to find myself and a growing courage and faith in my abilities. My husband (#2) and I have been together for over 31 years, and are anticipating his coming retirement. Nothing is perfect and with 5 kids between us, we had some pretty trying times. But I’ve never had to be afraid, for myself, or any of the kids. And we can still make each other laugh! So nice.
You are singing my song, Cheryl. I remember how my love for my two children motivated me to keep climbing until I finally rose from the depths of that abyss and made better choices. I celebrate your newfound freedom and new, healthy life! That is the message of hope I want to share with those struggling, as we have, to find a better life. Thank you for sharing your story and for joining with me to spread this message of hope to others.
Oh my gosh, Cheryl, I feasted on your comment, but the last few sentences especially. “Nothing is perfect.” That in itself is so freeing! And not being afraid. I am sometimes unhappy, sometimes unfulfilled or anxious or discouraged, but I am never afraid, for myself or my kids. That alone is worth getting up every morning with a smile. But the “good girl” convolution – the belief that if we only sacrifice enough or suffer enough, our damaged loved ones will change – that is almost American folklore, it’s so widespread. Congratulations on getting to the other side in one piece.
Such an important topic. Been there/Done that and so amazed to be here now, many years later, older…wiser…and grateful for my choices. But I do realize that many women are unable, for whatever reason, to climb out of that abyss. It is a sobering subject and one that deserves much more attention that it receives. Thank you for sharing this.
Dear Mindy, the lessons are hard-earned , aren’t they? But, once we do get on the other side and claim the power to make better choices, we can reap the benefits of all those lessons. Brava to you for achieving your own wiser self! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Mindy, in order to “climb out of that abyss,” in my case, meant acknowledging that I was trying to save people partly because it made me feel noble and important. To drop down to a level where I accepted that, and also, that my lectures and speeches were not going to change anyone’s lives, was humbling to the point of humiliating. But also freeing. Somebody said getting old is freeing because you are comfortable letting go of ego. Yet another empowering concept when we consider the beauty of older age.