My friend Martin Rice, who used to have a blog called Fifty2Ninety, wondered about losing a sense of purpose in the last third of our lives.
As we talked, it occurred to me that older peeps are more wedded to purpose than necessary. Maybe we’re addicted to the idea of productivity, unable to unhitch from the parental and career wagons we’ve pulled all these years.
If so, the alternative could be hedonistic and decadent! Just for fun, let’s consider.
When you’re a kid, your purpose is to grow up and become skillfully independent. Then, as a young adult, it’s to create a sustainable life for yourself and your dependents, and supporting your community. Finally, as an older adult, your purpose is – what? If normal cycles play out, people aren’t depending on you as much anymore, and you have the luxury of free time and choice.
So now, what is your purpose? And is it necessary to have one?
Yes, because purpose is critical to quality and length of life, according to this article by Paula Span. But the research came from interviews with old people, who were raised in a time when we believed one must be of service to others. That Puritan work ethic still influences us, for good and bad. We feel more worthwhile, confident, and secure when we can say we’re struggling with some kind of load.
Not to go all Byron Katie on you, but is it true, or is it training?
When my father died, Mom felt she no longer had a purpose. She had spent her adult life serving others, first raising us kids, and then looking out for Dad more and more as he declined. After many years, his death freed her, but freedom didn’t look that great. Losing her sense of purpose added to her grief. As she and I discussed this, I asked if she might find purpose in showing us four kids, then in our fifties, how to age well. She shrugged, and I felt embarrassed at sounding self-centered.
Fast forward six years. Mom, now 89, lives a few blocks from me, in our 55+ community. She has friends, drives herself around town, exercises, and has hobbies and interests. She no longer serves the needs of others, unless you count the normal generosities inherent in living an ethical life. In fact, it seems she spends her time staying healthy and enjoying herself. I recently asked how she feels about the question of purpose.
“I wonder why I’m still alive, but God must have his reasons,” Mom said. “Maybe He figures I’ve earned a vacation.”
What does a person have to do to earn that vacation? I worked hard from a young age, volunteered in addition to earning a paycheck, and supported everybody and his brother (and his kids). Sometimes I fantasize about cutting loose from everything and just savoring my existence. When I said this to Martin, he replied, “Maybe that is your purpose.”
Wouldn’t that be a relief?
I think older people might stay busy out of a sense of guilt, because they have all this freedom while their kids are struggling under the pressures of child-rearing and careers. But might we try to feel justified doing nothing beyond that which is required to preserve and savor our existence? Assuming the normal generosities, of course. Like stepping up to the plate when your community needs you, and not just being a selfish you-know-what.
What do you think?
I love this short but succinct posting as I am struggling with my newly retired freedom. Love not having to get up every morning to go to work; struggle getting up when I have nothing too much to take on anymore. Guilt does way on me in the way I miss/don’t miss the hands on involvement in my children’s lives. I am thinking they may appreciate the hands off choice though!! LOL Filing this for further contemplation. Feeling guilty for being blessed is a conundrum!
Eileen, I used to feel guilty, but then after several illnesses and surgery I feel like if all I do is sit on my patio and appreciate the songs of the birds, I’m giving back to the cosmos – enough, after my lifetime of work. After a while, if you get lonely or bored, go help at a local food bank or something. It doesn’t have to be a lot. Just enough to find your peace.
Your dear mom deserves a rest as do you. Unfortunately modern life allows for little down time and if we do take time off, we feel like we are getting behind. But where the heck are we running to anyway? Social media makes feel like we are always missing out. As I try to measure up, I have to remind myself that I am NOT what I do, I am. Full stop.
Lynne, I love the discussions you start in your blog. Having just turned 63 with a husband still enjoying his job and three “perfect” grandchildren, I find myself sitting in the backyard, well, just sitting. Why do I feel guilty about that? I do volunteer work and belong to a philanthropic organization, so I definitely feel as though I contribute to society. Yet, I do feel guilty if I indulge my urge to just sit and think or allow myself to read a good book all day.
You said, “Sometimes I fantasize about cutting loose from everything and just savoring my existence.” This is exactly what I think about. I would like to rent a small cabin in Montana and just wander through nature without worrying about my social responsibilities and family obligations, however pleasant they may be. I am hungry for time alone with myself.
Bev, as I read your words, I think about how we feel obligated to live busy. Act busy, talk busy, walk busy, be busy. Like we’re afraid of being judged for not being busy. I feel this pressure, too. It’s as if we’re not worth anything if we’re not working in some way. It was only after I read “Retiring But Not Shy” by a bunch of people who should know better) that I began to question this idea of busy-ness. Not that we should ignore our fellow man or become narcissists, but isn’t the fact that we’ve put in 30, 40, 50 years of labor enough? We can still be active, healthy, curious, involved, and good citizens of the planet while sitting in the backyard looking and thinking. Else what’s all this about mindfulness and gratitude, anyway? Great to hear from you, Bev.
What a role model your mother is! I believe we need a purpose at every stage but at this stage I don’t want to be tied down, I want to give back on my own time frame and enjoy also the free moments I have now. One of my goals is to share what I know and am learning about the environment and gardening with the youth, giving them a head start over what I had.
Lois, that sounds perfect! To help on your own time frame, still giving back but also enjoying the freedom you’ve earned. On this, the last hour of the last day I will probably ever again provide regular daycare to my precious grandbabies (they start attending a preschool tomorrow), I am feeling torn. The day is bittersweet. Never have I been so sure that I am ready to enjoy that freedom, but it comes with a tearing away, moving on, and moving toward autonomy. I will be both more free and less necessary. But I guess it’s time for me to grow up and become independent, just like the babies. Best wishes.
Jean Amery, a Holocaust surviver writes what I see as depressing essays on aging, A mild example, ” When we are young we stand in the middle of both space and time but as we grow older our sense of space disappears and time alone crowds in on us, becomes in fact a characteristic of daily existence; we think about time all the time.”
This taken from The Situation and the Story by Vivian Gornick
If I had been traumatized by her experience, I might not have the luxury of seeing it differently. But I wasn’t, thank God, so I do. I see the idea of space as room for perspective and creativity, regardless of time, which is a benefit of older age.
Maybe you’re just not old enough yet, Lynne. I don’t think the fact that she’s a Holocaust survivor really has anything to do with it. I believe that the older you get, that is, as you get nearer and nearer to death, the more you’re aware of time (remaining) than you are of space.
In any case, that’s my experience.
Hi Martin, I’m old enough in surgery years! Does that count – a heightened awareness of mortality from an early age?
PS I spent some time on the Hunter S. Thompson letter this morning. It was delightful! Would like to talk with you more about it some time.
After reading this excellent and interesting post, I had two new thoughts, especially in relation to the third paragraph where you talk about our purpose (or purposes) during different stages in our lives.
One thought is whether we ought to be talking about purpose or obligation (and what the difference might be). For most of us this sense of obligation comes from our home environment, that is, we’re taught that we must get educated; we must find a career; we must care for and nurture our families; we must be good citizens; etc.
That, then, led to my second thought: I think that the discussion Lynne and I have been having about purpose in life is founded upon the views that we have obtained as products of a solid middle-class upbringing.
The fact is that the world (or forget the world and let’s stay in the framework of the U.S. which is what we know best) is replete with millions of people who evidence very little sense of obligation toward becoming educated, finding a career, taking care on their families, and being responsible citizens.
True, you find that among the solid middle class, too, but not nearly to the degree that you find it among the underprivileged and poverty stricken.
So without making this too long, I just want to suggest that perhaps worrying about the purpose of our lives — as opposed to worrying about how we’re ever going to survive — might just be an indulgence that only some of us are able to afford.
You hit it outta the ballpark, Martin. For the longest time I have wondered about the self-indulgence of certain demographic groups (the one to which I belong.) This is one of the reasons I’ve lost interest in much of what Oprah shares. After a while it just seems like some people have too much time on their hands, and – possibly to their credit, I will give it grudgingly – need to feel they are struggling toward some goal, in order to be happy. Yet I am beginning to feel that savoring the fact that one is finally free from struggle (except of course the existential and physical versions) is the best way to express gratitude. NOT that I’m suggesting we go on our self-satisfied way without helping out where needed, whether it’s family, community, or country. Sometimes that gratitude can be cultivated by falling headfirst into a vat of service. I wrote about one it previously, both here and here.
You mention Oprah, Lynne. I had a subscription to her magazine from its inception until about a year ago. It seemed like I was no longer “connecting” with the contents anymore. I thought that it was probably “just me.”
I credit much of my personal growth to Oprah’s “presence” in my life, and I still enjoy most of the SUPER SOUL SUNDAY programs on OWN. However, there is no other OWN program that has “drawn me in” to watch regularly.
A friend mentioned the other day that it would be great if Oprah offered an evening national news program that would highlight the GOOD that is happening here in the US and around the world. Let’s face it…the national news that is currently available is overwhelming, negative and depressing.
I’m not saying that we should be “uninformed”…but it would be great if there was a little more focus on the positive.
If one believes in “the law of attraction”…energy flows where attention goes…or you get more of what you pay attention to…then it seems it would make sense to pay more attention to the GOOD.
If “the law of attraction” seems too “woo-woo”…there have been studies done on the emotion of “elevation.” People are inspired to do good when they “witness” someone else doing good. (Think in terms of the “inspiration” that has been created by the ALS fundraiser.)
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elevation_(emotion)
Of course, we can’t leave it all up to Oprah.
Totally agree, Sue. Although perversely, there have been several attempts at good news programming, and most have failed. You know the old expression, if it bleeds, it leads. We viewers don’t tend to support good news stations. 🙁
SUCCESS
(Attributed to…but very likely not written by Ralph Waldo Emerson)
“To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.”
This “poem” resonated with me the first time I read it, probably more than thirty years ago. These words describe a “life well lived”…and it makes it clear that it really isn’t all that complicated, difficult or impossible.
My favorite line is:
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.”
It could have just as well been entitled THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.
Sue, thanks for this. I am going to print it out and tape it over my computer. The joy is in the simplicity. Just beautiful.
I retired early, after not being able to find work in the rural area we had moved to. It was actually a great relief to lose the demanding schedules and all the driving. But I soon found that freedom itself, to be stressful and a huge source of guilt and depression. My husband was still working and at a job that, while once fulfilling, had become a drudge after several poor management changes. He no longer enjoyed his job. But . . . he was working, contributing and I was NOT.
I do a bit of volunteering, have a blog that keeps me busy, and the retirement check does make me a contributor. Still, I feel that I’m letting him down, not doing my part. But I have become quite accomplished in budgeting, clever shopping and managing our payments on the new limited budget. Together, we’ve been discussing and developing plans for a small “in-home” business, and we’re looking forward to when he retires at the end of this year, I’m feeling less guilt now and more anticipation for the future.
Cheryl, I hear ya. As Cyndi Lauper said, money changes everything. Sounds like you are doing everything a person possibly can, and as for starting an in-home business, thank goodness for the Internet, right? You can advertise it and broadcast it for free. I wish you the very best luck.
I think that your suggestion to your mother to find purpose in showing her four kids how to age well was brilliant! And, from your description, it appears to be just what she is doing.
Although I don’t believe we were each put on earth for a specific “purpose,” I do think that serving others serves ourselves (in a good way). I also savor the “vacation” that I have earned and don’t feel especially guilty about it. I think that getting the balance right between service/engagement and being self-focused (as opposed to self-centered) is important. I don’t think I have it quite right yet, but I’m working on it.
And that’s the fun part of the challenge, Janis, to my way of thinking: we get to think deeply about, and work on, finding the balance. A good start to that process is figuring out what our goals are. Thanks for the comment,
I think you are definitely on to something.
In addition to our being told we need “a purpose”, we are also brainwashed into thinking that if it doesn’t generate cash, an activity doesn’t count.
So, if I exercise just because I want to, it is purposeless and doesn’t count, BUT if I tell myself I’m in training for the senior olympics, or my objective is to stay healthy so I can lower medicare costs, well then–it is a noble activity. I guess it is all in how you frame it.
A great example, Shelley! Nothing wrong with rethinking things. In fact, think of how we might free ourselves by doing so. And i like your observation about cash, another Puritanical standard.