Bill and I get flak sometimes over the amount of time and energy we put into our grandkids. Our peers sometimes joke, and sometimes offer heartfelt advice, about our choices. We hear:
- Be careful how much you give up. You need time for yourself.
- You don’t owe anybody anything, at this age.
- They had ’em, let them raise them.
When our daughter-in-law who lives nearby went back to work after bearing first one, then a second grandchild, we provided daily childcare. The schedule changed as they grew old enough for outside day care and then preschool. Currently, we see them once a week. We’re also available if there’s an urgent situation, like one of them is too sick to go to school.
The early years of more intense babysitting were rewarding and difficult in equal measure. Here’s what another caregiving grandparent, a New Yorker, said about the experience, and we feel the same:
“Those were long days,” Ms. Rice says. “I did everything. I know where almost every path leads to in Central Park. I changed about 10,000 diapers. It was exhausting, but I was spending every day with my granddaughter and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.”
It was tough. And honestly, I couldn’t do it now. Our reward was the feeling of closeness with the babies, and the satisfaction of having helped. As grandparents, we’re not alone. Whenever I stand around waiting for a school bell to ring, I am surrounded by grayhairs. Clearly, parents are relying on the elders for help. In our ever-busier work/family lives, it truly does take a village.
Per Van C. Tran, an assistant professor of sociology at Columbia University,
“I think we’re in a very interesting cultural norm-shifting moment because (this level of grandparent involvement) was not expected or acceptable even a generation ago.”
I remember the stress of being a young, working mother. If I can save my adult kids from that anxiety, I will. If I have to give up something, so be it. Sure, I’ll draw the line at sacrificing my career goals…unless something critical happens. Then, I’ll give that up, too. Because it’s how I was raised. My dad, that extremely conflicted main character in my story, burned this concept into my heart:
Family is everything.
At some point, my 90-year-old mother, who lives four blocks away, will need me. I know how it’ll go: at first, I’ll happily juggle my work and her needs. Then the former will seem like too much, and I’ll give it up for a while. Eventually, life will change again and I’ll have freedom to do whatever the hell I want. It’ll be me, me, me, until something else happens and I’ll figure things out again. It’s not always pretty, but it works.
We babysit our one and only grand boy two days a week while his parents work. We live an hour and a half away so we go one day, stay over and babysit the next day too. Some of our friends think we’re nuts, some think we’re over functioning and some are envious. He’s three. I wouldn’t trade this time for the world. Yes, it’s exhausting but the relationship we have with him as a result of the time spent cannot be created any other way. It does take a village and I’m grateful for being able to give my time to something so beautiful as helping to raise this fine boy. We even write together. Who wouldn’t love that?
Thanks for your comment, Debby. It’s as individualized as whether or not to have kids in the first place, and to each her own, but I need my family like a person needs decent sleep, exercise, and good nutrition. And if I had to sacrifice in the past for the good of my family, that’s just fine. Glad to hear of your similar story. Happy New Year.
It’s amazing how quickly this stage goes! My grandson is (suddenly!) seventeen, and although we have been close while he was growing up, I’m finding it harder now to find common ground. I am so grateful that I spent so much time with him in his early years.
Seventeen! I can’t imagine. Our oldest grandchild is almost fifteen, and the others are all 5 or under. But the 15-year-old is still kinda cuddly if she’s in the right mood!
Amen to everything you wrote. When my son was young, my parents were starting a new business and were rarely available to provide backup. They did the best they could but I often felt overwhelmed. I remember how difficult it was to try to juggle work and motherhood, especially when our son was sick. Seems like I felt guilty of neglecting something, no matter what I did.
Although we haven’t provided the level of child care for our granddaughter that you have for yours, we’ve been able to spend a lot of time with her. When our daughter-in-law had a family emergency recently, we were able to seamlessly help with child care, which allowed our son to work. Our granddaughter feels at home at our house and although I imagine she missed her mother, she viewed her time with us as a treat. So did we! Of course, it took us a couple of days to recover afterwards.
LOL Sandy, it does take a lot out of you doesn’t it! But so worth it. I’m glad you are nearby so you can be a part of your son’s family. Because that’s what it’s about, I think. Continuing to be connected.
My grandson and daughter lived with us for over 6 years. Although it was hard for me to become his second mom at first, I would never change it for anything. He and I have a bond that will always be special.
Funny you would share this post today, Lynne. Shortly after I read this, the phone rang. It was my younger son wondering what I was doing today. His youngest, our 8.5 month old granddaughter, is dealing with a “runny/stuffy-nose-teething-coughing-thing” and she’s just feeling miserable. He wondered if I could keep her today rather than sending her to day care. OF COURSE. It makes me so happy to be able to say YES. This is EXACTLY why I am so “protective” of my time these days…I love to “be available” when the need arises. I avoid “scheduling” something every day…I love having the flexibility to be able to say YES to a spontaneous opportunity. The little one is getting a GREAT nap at the moment… ☺️
As a working mother, I completely agree and appreciate this post! It takes love and sacrifice on all parts, but to have multiple generations caring for your family is so rewarding. If I had to leave my child with a complete stranger I wouldn’t work but I’m fortunate enough to have my father’s help and they both love “Grandpa Daycare”. This speaks to family values which are very undermined these days.
And I know it means everything to him to be able to help you. You guys are a great family.