There’s this conundrum in older age, and it bedevils me: Should we speed up, because we don’t have as much time left, or slow down (finally) and enjoy our leisure?
If you think about it, this is just the over-fifty version of the same problem we’ve been fighting all our lives: finding the balance.
Dennis Palumbo, Author and Psychotherapist
I once heard a guy named Dennis Palumbo give a talk to a bunch of harried writers. Dennis is really interesting because he was a psychotherapist to famous movie stars, all unnamed and unidentifiable from his sanitized anecdotes, darn it. At the end, Dennis said he was going to give us the best piece of advice for success and happiness we could possibly ever receive. Then he leaned forward, smiled benevolently, and said
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
It was so comforting, and it reached me in an existential way. Since we’re already enough, and this applies even more to older people, anything we do on top of that is gravy. It’s not necessary, at this age, to kick ass and take names anymore. Sometimes, it’s better to slow down and just…pay attention.
For example, recently I had to set aside a rush project because our grandson, at preschool, had a fever. Once home, the sick 3-year-old of course didn’t want to nap, so I promised to stay in his bedroom while he slept. Over the next 90 minutes he awoke several times, saw me in the easy chair, and fell back asleep. But one time, in order to convince him to sleep, I had to clamber into his bed and lay down next to him. While he slept, I studied his freckled nose, red hair, and perfect lute-shaped ear. I noticed his small shoulder, destined to one day resemble his daddy’s (my son). Like an eagle’s wingspan it would reach from here to there, and carry all kinds of burdens upon it. But right then, last Friday afternoon, it was just a knobby little thing, and I loved the sight of it. Suddenly, I felt acutely aware of the passage of time, and my mortality. Nothing was more important than savoring this moment, and burning it into my memory banks. “These are the ‘good old days’,” I thought, hearing Carly Simon’s voice in my head.
Race around like a headless chicken if you must, but make time to stop and notice where you are in life, today, in this exact moment. We’re finally at an age where we can do that. We have the smarts and the discipline. Love your life. You are enough.
That memory of you watching your grandson sleep will always remain with you. I remember when my grandson lived with us and was about four. His mom had gone early into work and I was in the kitchen sipping my coffee. He came in and just stared at me, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his tiny hand. I set down my coffee and opened my arms out to him. He rushed forward and snuggled against me and fell back to sleep in my arms. He is 17 now and a manchild but that memory still makes me feel all warm inside whenever I think of it.
Oh, what a beautiful description! I can just see you in that kitchen. Thanks for sharing that, Judy.
Love this post. Thanks Lynne. Great reminder to stop and smell the roses 🙂
Thanks, Ann. Good of you to stop by.
Lynne, how do you know exactly what I need to hear at any given time? We are seriously considering moving closer to my daughter and family, we’ve been tossing around the idea for a while, but with the birth of our new granddaughter the decision had become more important. THEN, the post “The growing importance of Grandparents” — decision made. This morning I was bemoaning the feeling that my daughters expectations of what I can do once we move closer, ie babysitting, was more than I could/wanted to take on. NOW this post, making me realize that I will never have this time with my granddaughter again and in the grand scheme of things my clean house, etc is not the memories I want to leave behind or have at the end of my life. So no more moaning about added responsibilities, and on to finding a happy medium. Sometimes perspective is everything.
I’m so glad it resonated! Here’s my deal: I am always afraid I’ll get my priorities wrong, and I’ll be on my deathbed thinking, Holy crap, I screwed up! So I’m forever reexamining how I spend my time and days. Recently, I decided that I should stop struggling and prioritize the one thing that means the most to me, the one thing that won’t last, that I can’t re-create: my grandchildren’s babyhood, and my adult kids’ young adulthood. Now, whenever there’s a conflict, I throw everything away in favor of that. (You may have noticed I didn’t do a post last Friday. Guess why.) Thanks for your kind words, Kris.
Oh, Lynne, you really struck a chord with this one. Savor the precious fleeting moments that matter. Love it. Thanks for this very valuable reminder.
Not like you needed it, Kathy. You’re always mindful, I know. Because you’ve been kicked around enough to hold dear that which is most precious.
Lynne, it’s been far too long since I’ve been here.
I love this post! Thanks for helping me listen to this Carly Simon song in a whole new way. I’ll bet she understands the lyrics now better than she did when she first sang them also.
And you really got me with that image of you looking at the “perfect lute-shaped ear” and “knobby little thing” shoulder.
Been there!
You made a poem from experiences I understand at a deep level. I tried to describe a similar feeling in a different context in my last post.
“These are the good old days.”
Shirley, great to hear from you! I will check out your post. And thanks for your comment about Carly’s new perspective. I’ll bet she does!
See you soon. http://www.shirleyshowalter.com/gliding-swinging-and-proposing-love-in-motion/
Oh, Lynne, you made me cry. I remember feeling the same way about my beautiful grandson, who is now suddenly eighteen!
Diane, it’s so bittersweet, isn’t it? And you say “suddenly eighteen.” Reminds me of the saying: The days are long but the years are short. I’m trying to burn into my memory banks these small things; I also write them into my journal. Some day I hope i will enjoy reading it in my oldest age…and that the realization of the passage of time doesn’t break my heart.
This is very true at any age! Life will never slow down for anyone, so no matter how busy you are you have to stop to live.
Nicky, you do a good job of that. I know as a young parent you are busybusybusy. When I was your age, thirty years ago, I was so stressed out I didn’t collect parenting memories. Couldn’t. Now, I collect grandparenting memories instead. You’re a model of mindfulness, as your blog demonstrates. http://whileyoureliving.com/2015/11/08/luckenbach/