Since retiring* I have occasionally reconnected with old colleagues. After not seeing them for years, we’d eagerly make a date for lunch. Then after the grand reunion, guess what? Crickets. Obviously, they didn’t want to pick up where we left off. The realization was humbling. I must not have been their cup of tea. Making friends or renewing old friendships is like dating. You can’t take it that seriously when you don’t hear from them again.
Sometimes people just don’t need you in their lives, for any number of reasons. When I married Bill (21 years ago!), I loved being around a certain member of his extended family. She and I had serious chemistry, and I would have enjoyed seeing her more often. But after our twice-a-year get-togethers, nothing else ever worked out. Was she just being nice but not really interested? Perhaps, but I think there’s another way to look at it.
Desire and Rejection Go Both Ways
In my older age, I’ve been approached by people who want to be friends, and I haven’t followed up. In all cases, they were perfectly nice, but I just didn’t have the time or motivation right then to nurture a new relationship. I felt bad about letting the communication drop, but what else can you do? Friendships require maintenance. If you’re highly motivated, it’s a breeze. If not, it feels like another thing on your to-do list.
Relationships Can’t Thrive in a Vacuum
I used to work with a woman who was very funny and wry. After retirement, we’d see each other occasionally, and we had the best time! We’d laugh and laugh. But after our lunches, neither of us followed up. Although we enjoyed each other’s company, we didn’t share any hobbies, goals, or interests. I told Bill, “I would like to see more of her, but I don’t know what we’d do.” He said, “There’s no context for the relationship.” His assessment hit the nail on the head. I’d never thought of it that way, but he was right. No context.
Timing is Everything
When we first moved into our 55+ community, all the houses were new. People were looking for friends, block parties abounded, everybody waved. Still, I had a premonition it wouldn’t last, once we all got settled. A few years later, I was proven right. Everybody is still warm and cordial, but it’s not the same as when we all arrived at the same time, hungry for connection.
I have lived in this town and this neighborhood for a dozen years now. Some of my friendships are deep–what a treasure. Some are still developing. Friendship takes time and attention.
My Fail-safe Strategy for Finding Friends
Sometimes a new acquaintance will invite me to go for coffee or lunch, but I often decline. It’s too intense and feels like an interview. The best way to make friends, for me anyway, is to engage in an activity I enjoy and, within that environment, sort of audition people who might become friends. This can be an exercise, craft, art, or other kind of class. Meetup.com has walking and hiking groups, for example. Meeting someone this way is a lot less pressure; you would be there, anyway. You can eyeball their friendship potential without any risk.
Older People are Pickier
Some of the research says that older people are less open to making friends. We’re more selective and less willing to waste time with an unsatisfying match. Time is more valuable than ever. We’re not interested in superficiality.
I Learned from the Best
Mom taught me about the value of having a network of friends.
My dad, retired and in his seventies, became increasing isolationist. Sadly, he needed only one friend, Jim Beam. Dad didn’t want to go anywhere, and expected Mom to sit home with him, but she needed more. Determined to create a social network, she joined a senior exercise class and got more involved in her church. Lunches followed, then craft work. By the time Dad died, Mom had plenty of girlfriends to help her survive the grief.
Then at 86, she fell backwards off a porch, broke her femur, and had to sell her house and move. She was forced to leave a vibrant and loving network.
After a rough period of readjustment, Mom began to make new friends. They’ve been critical for her happiness, in spite of chronic pain and diminishing mobility. She enjoys her life and is upbeat. Mom is a model for how to live a vibrant elderhood, and I’m grateful for her example. I will always invest in my network of friends. Friends are the angels in our lives.
Your Turn
What about you? Do you have enough friends, and have you seen the necessity of them? Or on the other hand, do you ever feel lonely, and wish for more friends? I found a couple of good articles on the subject. And remember, you’ll always have us here at AnyShinyThing.
*Retirement, hah. I use the term loosely. After retiring, I worked a couple of years for a law firm, and now I’m fully engaged in my writing business. I will probably never be fully retired. And that’s okay.
How to Find Friends and Fight Loneliness after 60
The Secret to Making Friends as You Age
This is so timely for me! Last winter, a friend from long ago (30 years!) reached out after reading my blog. After a joyous email reunion, we had some great texts and calls. I was overjoyed to recapture some of the wonderful parts of my past. But it dried up after a few contacts. I was stunned when my last two efforts went unanswered. Thanks for choosing this topic. It will inspire me to do the right thing! BTW, I’m so glad you are blogging again!
Yes it’s so strange. You know it’s all about them, not us, it’s not like we are a personal Walmart within one human being, offering to our friends every possible thing they need. But still, it almost hurts. It’s humbling! But then you go a little further and realize it’s actually kind of freeing. We don’t owe everybody everything. PS I’m glad to be back too!
Starting next week I get the chance to start over again, moving 100 miles away from here. Already I have been in contact with a couple of same-interest groups [gotta love the internet!], so that when the dust semi-settles I will have an opportunity to meet new people.
But, those who are friends here will stay in my constellation of acquaintances for the times when travel is needed over here for medical appointments. Many have dropped away, as we realized that although we were workmates, after retirement there was not enough substance to continue. It is easy to forgive myself for that, as when I moved here 17 years ago, I knew no one.
There’s no sense in having people in my life of “no context”. too much to do, too many goals to reach!
Ginger, when I was a kid, I thought by this age I’d be in a rocking chair, watching the world go by. Ha! Some day. I actually dream of that, of finally slowing down. But there are books to write!
Yes, context is everything. Bill once told me if he’s meeting new people, he sounds them out as to their interests. If they do an activity he’s interested in (social tennis, lake fishing, etc.) there might be potential for a friendship. If not, not. Happy hunting.
Interesting post, Lynne, a topic I think most women think about as we grow in maturity!
I am lucky as I’ve always had my twin sister as a best friend; as a result, I’ve never felt the need for a lot of friends. However, I have always had a small group of gals that I have nurtured through moves and marriages. Most I’ve known for 40+ years! When my husband passed away two years ago, these various friends were instrumental in my survival!
I have since made a few new friends from Meet-Up, since as you said we were starting with a common interest. I have also expanded my horizons by developing new interests.
I honestly don’t know where I’d be without my friends, and by the way, I have considered you one since we met! 😉
Me, too, and how many women can say that, given the circumstances? Thank you. And I see from your FB posts that you do get out and have fun with your buddies. Yes, women need each other. We hold each other up when the s*** hits the fan, don’t we? (You did me, and I’ll always be grateful.)
This is so timely for me, I was just searching for articles on this very topic last week – not kidding. As I approach 50, I find my circle of friends narrowed to about two. Sometimes I get kind of sad about that, but on the other hand, I have found myself much more selective on how I spend my time and with whom. What I really like about this article is that looking ahead there are still many opportunities to make good friends. Thank you for this great article…and by the way, i am loving your book, Key Largo Blues, right now. Almost done and just ordered the next one!
First of all, Heather, thanks for saying that about my books!!! You are my new best friend. But second, wow, about making friends when you’re in midlife and older? It can be tough. I once read a book, and I still have it in my book case, called “The Friendship Crisis” – I loved it so much it’s dogeared and highlighted. Bottom lines: making friends at this age is very comparable to dating (ugh!) with all the highs and lows and heartbreak, and also, that we NEED each other. No getting around it. Only the degree varies. I think it goes back to cave women times, when we couldn’t survive without our cave sisters. It’s probably in our DNA. Anyway, if you’re interested, here’s the link, and happy hunting: https://amazon.com/Friendship-Crisis-Finding-Keeping-Friends-ebook/dp/B00BJ9PTDY/
Lynne your post sadly hit too close to home. Having lived in England for the past 30 years, I feel more a fish out of water in the US…certainly politically. That said, returning to California has provided the opportunity for me to connect with college friends, some of whom live one, two, or three freeways away. There in lies another problem – most no longer want to drive and fight the traffic any longer.
When we have gotten together, family and medical issues seem to be the focus of conversation. Neither topic creates a platform for laughter and heavy frivolity.
So, why don’t you and hubby come for dinner? Laughter will be on the menu!
Leslie Ann, we eat at 3 so we’re no fun! But you are a joy to be around, you just have to give it time. There are tons of writers in the area. That would be a good starting point. You know, the loneliest I ever was was in Palm Desert, land of retirees. Half my neighborhood moved out in the summer, for cooler climates and second homes. The other half were young and worked. Luckily I found the Palm Springs writers guild and a critique group! Then I had friends.
medical issues seem to be the focus of conversation.
Isn’t that crazy? When people spend a lot of time talking about problems I wait a while and then pose the question…I wonder what we used to talk about when we were younger? I don’t mind talking a bit about people’s woes, but really? Any time I start talking about my hurt “whatever”, I apologize and change the subject. There IS more to life and concentrating solely on woes seems counterproductive to me.
I agree, but one day I saw two old dudes talking about their health challenges, and I realized, they were scared! I suddenly saw them as young men, unaccustomed to frailty, letting loose, sharing their fears. So that’s how I try to see it now. But there’s a limit!
Sort of related: I once heard it said that some people talk about what they’re going to do and others talk about what they did. I know which group I want to hang with.
yep!
This is an interesting post and really made me think.
My job for 40 years was pretty isolating and yet I’ve been the type of person to have only one or two close friends. I’ve moved a lot and have people I still know in almost all of those places.
Since moving to the coast of Oregon I feel almost like I’m in an ex pat community. I do lots of things with a lot of people… golf, pickleball, book clubs, cooking club, art group….. I have more people who I would consider friends than ever before. But I still have just one friend that I’m closest to.
In the last few years I’ve made it a point to reconnect with many women from my past. Surprisingly, I still feel very connected to most of them and a number of them have stayed close regardless of distance. It has been so enlightening and satisfying revisit the past through the lenses of our lifetimes. I learn so much about each of them and myself through the conversations. As a result, I have become so much more attune to “the human condition” and have more compassion for my former self.
I think the thing I’ve learned is that I need to be vigilant about keeping up connections in order for it to work. Despite being retired, many of us still have busy lives and time seems to go fast. I expect most people are a bit insecure about friendships. I certainly have been, but fortunately the acceptance that came with age for me makes me more willing to put myself out. I think that’s a good thing.
Thanks, Lynne, for your thoughtful posts and your friendship over time.
Oh, Nanci, every word of yours resonates, and I treasure your friendship, too. I first got to know you on that weekend cruise to Mexico, remember? The Rubidoux High School staff peeps? It was when Bill and I were just starting to date! We’re lucky, girlfriend.
Lynne, this is exactly what I’ve been wrestling with for awhile but it accelerated this past year. I moved to a small, politically conservative (so not me!) town over a year ago and it’s been slow going making friends – as in, none. False starts but haven’t found my peeps yet. My social life some weeks consists of conversations with someone at the supermarket or waving to people on their daily walks. Still, as I get older I’d rather enjoy my own company than suffer through time spent with people who drain or annoy me. It’s nice not having to please people anymore! p.s. – I missed your blog -glad it’s back.
Trish, your comment about politics made me smile. I have a few friends whose political affiliation I don’t know. Afraid to ask! I enjoy their company and don’t want to risk letting that come between us ( I suspect it might!) I like living in a 55+ community because if I felt lonely I could just hang out in a class or group (yoga or book club). I hope you find your tribe, and thanks for the attagirl. It’s good to be back. I’ve missed you guys too.
Another excellent blog post, Lynne. You nailed it! I participate in a couple of writing groups and have become close friends with only two of the members. The others fall into the “no context” category. (Love that description.) And although I love hiking and walking, I’d call the other participants “close acquaintances” who I enjoy seeing and interacting with, but haven’t pursued outside of our outdoor activities. I’ve definitely become more selective.
You have a great role model in your mother. So did I! My mom had a tried-and-true group of close friends who helped her through her cancer treatments. They were treasures to her and made a huge difference in her senior years.
Thank you for your inspiring post.
And thank you for your comments, Sandy. I continue to marvel at the healing, inspiring, essential need for friends in our lives. Truly a blessing. As are you all here.
Hi Lynne! I’m happy to call you my friend but I completely agree that time can get away from us and it requires effort and commitment to get together with any time of regularity. Of course, it would be easier if we lived close by but perhaps that’s an excuse. I am VERY grateful that I’ve managed to make a number of other writer friends online since I’ve become a blogger. Writing can be lonely business so it’s nice to have friends who share some of your passions and can relate. I attempted joining a couple of different writer groups but because I focus on nonfiction I just didn’t feel like I fit so that’s never worked for me. This year I made a special effort to find 2 different book clubs and then took a yoga/spirituality class and connected with more women. Both of those efforts have paid off well so I managed to make even a couple of new (and younger) friends which is always great. I agree that it isn’t always easy. But I COMPLETELY AGREE that having friends is a key to a LONG and happy life. ~Kathy P.S. let’s plan another lunch sometime this fall????
See, that’s a sign I haven’t nurtured my relationship with you enough, Kathy! The last time we talked about lunch, we were talking about January or “before it gets hot” and now it’s maybe 110 in the shade!! So yes. I will put a big note over my computer and WE WILL HAVE LUNCH <3
This hit the nail on the head, Lynne. I connected with two women from 40 years ago and I had a delightful few hours with each of them. Despite promises about staying in touch, we never saw each other again. I am extremely nostalgic and hoped for more time together maybe to reminisce, maybe to venerate my youth. One, my “little sister” had far surpassed me in accomplishment in life, had remarried, is extremely wealthy, travels constantly, etc.. I think our roles reversed somehow. I felt a little “less than.” I know this is not true, of course, and realize we are at very different places in our lives. I am fine with not seeing her again and am so happy she has such a fulfilling life (after 30 years of “settling). The other friend loves to party, still works, and is like an energizer bunny. I love her to pieces but as your husband said “no context”. In the last few years, I accept myself as I am and try to honor who I have become as a human being. Thanks for this amazing blog. I’m going to share it with my “Ferals.”
I’m honored that you would share it with them, Pat. And yes, the in-law who doesn’t have time for me? That stings, no question. And I didn’t even have history like yours…except of course our family ties. But like you, I’m mature enough to move on. We count our blessings and take the bitter with the sweet. Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad to be back blogging again. Missed having the open forum for discussion.