Paula Davis-Laack, JD, MAPP, and
Author of “10 Things Happy People Do Differently.”
Getting older can take a toll on hopefulness. By now, we’re no strangers to pain and suffering. Sometimes it’s a challenge to remain upbeat, but it can be done.
According to Paula Davis-Laack, hopeful people share four core beliefs:
1. the future will be better
2. they have (some) power to affect their futures
3. there are many paths to their goals
4. they believe in their ability to overcome obstacles.
What if you don’t believe any or all of those things? You can change. There’s science behind the strategy of fake it til you make it. Personally, I went from being pathologically shy to a gregarious public speaker; a person can change by acting as if she believes. And the change can be more far-reaching than you’d expect.
- It’s highlighted and dogeared like you wouldn’t believe.
According to Dr. Daniel G. Amen, a clinical neuroscientist who wrote Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, it’s possible to change your brain such that your future generations’ brains will be affected. I recommend his book, but in the meantime, here’s a list of Dr. Amen’s 100 Do’s and Don’ts for optimal brain function and health.
One of the pleasures of my older age is developing the ability to control my thought patterns and moods. Have you discovered this too?
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I think one’s outlook certainly becomes jaded by age, so I always try to remain a kid at heart. Trying something new, watching children play and long, walks always help lift my spirit although some days it is more difficult than others to see the brighter, lighter side of life. And I do wonder if writers are more prone to depression.
Pat, you’ve been through so much – your career-ending car wreck and the resultant injuries – and maybe at times you get blue over that. Plus, I think many writers think about things more. For sure, with your wonderful book, I saw a fine mind at work, assessing and adapting to a changing environment (pro sports when women weren’t welcome). Maybe more than a lot of us, you’ve looked at the greater scope of culture and engaged in the fight at a very young age. Fortunately, there’s more and more data pointing to brain changes in elders that show a greater tendency toward happiness.
Ah, so true. It helps to start with a loving heart and spirit, and believing in God’s best for us.
One of my biggest “Aha’s” came when I realized that I can actually “change my mind.”
To me that means I can “choose” what I think about, and it is clear that our thoughts have a huge impact on how we feel.
The first time I realized that I didn’t have to “entertain” every thought that came into my mind, was when I first attempted meditation. The instructor said to focus on our breathing, and if a thought came to mind, just let it pass through as we focus on breathing in and breathing out. What an “eye opener!”
Before that “revelation” I was truly affected by “monkey mind.” My thoughts seemed to have “a life of their own”…I didn’t realize that I could be in control.
At the time I came upon this realization, I was pretty involved with reading the Bible, and what I recognized was that this kind of positive thinking is Biblical:
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
It was also at that time when I learned about using a “gratitude journal” from Oprah and Sarah Ban Breathnach (SIMPLE ABUNDANCE). Using a gratitude journal made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life.
Sue, thanks for that lovely comment. I always learn from you.
Recently I’ve been having this troubling thing happen just as I’m falling toward sleep at night: a flash of something truly horrible will cross my mind as a possibility, however remote. Usually having to do with my grandbabies suffering some heartbreaking fate. But ever since it began a couple months ago, I have handled it like this: the thought comes, I am momentarily appalled, and then I think, “Well, there’s your horrible thought for the night.” Almost as if my brain has to puke out this little vignette to clear itself of the detritus of bad chemistry from the day, before I can sleep. And then it vanishes.
I let it.
I have recently been experiencing jarring mid-night thoughts that make me sit bolt upright in bed. This has never happened before and I find them unsettling. However, I do need to take some responsibility for them as I am choosing to make drastic changes in my life; it only makes sense that fear will begin to percolate from my subconscious as I move towards my goals. My challenge is to not get lost in the “what IF” and stick as solidly as possible to the “what IS.” As a person who lives alone full-time (with her nattering, chattering head) this is a challenge, to say the least. One moment excited and the next minute paralyzed in fear. I continue to speak my truth and surround myself with supportive friends. Yesterday was my 63rd birthday and I’m moving on in every way imaginable. Thanks for the timely article and thanks for letting me share.
Happy birthday, Mindy! Yes, it sounds like you’re stirring up a bunch of (hard to figure out a noun; gunk? carbon fragments? detritus?) leftover material that can be upsetting. But I think always the goal in human development is growth and mastery, so that’s a good path to be on.
I’m always reading and learning about what it takes to live a happy second half, and the absolutely number one essential element seems to be connection. Connect with people, remain social, make and have friends. As an introvert, this is the hardest thing for me, but I know from two bad times in my early adulthood that failure to connect can lead to depression and other negatives.
For those readers who don’t know, your book is here: http://www.lubeoflife.com/. Best wishes.
Thank you, Lynne! And thank you for being such a powerful voice!
I especially liked the #24 of the do’s. And I will accept any penguins that anyone wants to send me. Good writing, Lynne, as always. Hope to see you Saturday at the meeting.
That’s funny, Judy. Dr. Amen happens to find them fascinating, so he has hundreds of them. See you Saturday.
from a zen Buddhist, neuroscience perspective we need empty the mind of doubt, worry and judgment to be present.
The future does not have to be part of happiness. Happiness in fact only exists in this moment, now.
Also, happiness, real happiness endures last any emotion we have. Emotions are fleeting, constantly changing. Happiness is something we carry with us. It is similar to a mothers love for her children.
Happiness is still present when challenges and hardship arrive.
Also happiness is not something we attain or possess. It is not contained in power, possessions, title or status.
Sounds like perfection, Marty.
Interesting article, Lynne. To respond to your question: quite to the contrary. I find that the older the more difficult it is to control my moods. That is, if I ever really controlled them. But I seem to be getting more and more moody as time passes. Haven’t been able yet to figure out why.
As far as Dr. Amen’s list is concerned, the most important thing I thought was his mentioning the Serenity Prayer. I do think about that frequently and I find it really helps me keep my perspective.
By the way, is his name really Amen? Or is it a joke like “amen, brother!!”
It’s really his name, Martin. BTW, I’ve heard that older people tend to feel things more deeply, but that the amygdala is calmer, and that’s where the lack of drama comes from as we age. As to overt control, I’ve learned over time certain tricks for changing the atmosphere around my mood such that my mood lifts by association. A ridiculously simple tactic is music. Another is distraction (watching a movie or reading a book). None of this probably would help if we’re talking about big stressors, such as grief or a mixup in brain chemistry. You probably know all this already, but I offer it JIC.
It’s really funny, Lynne. You’re certainly right about about changing one’s mood by listening to music. The problem for me is that it makes me feel so good that I then find myself thinking about how that induced good mood isn’t “real.”
But it is, Martin! Or put another way, what is real? So much of this is just brain chemistry. If I can change it using organic means, I’m ahead of the game.
To use the worst possible example: I suffered a great loss some years ago. I was so depressed I was in a brain fog. And guess what – I’m on vacation with my husband, who’s not similarly affected. Although he is kind, he still wants to enjoy a round of golf with me, or a nice dinner. So I fake it. And for small chunks of time, say the time it takes to receive my food and take the first bite, I’m happy. Then not. Then I am. Then not. Holy crap, it was a horrible vacation. But the little bits of happiness were as real as the grief. They may have kept me sane.
“But the little bits of happiness were as real as the grief.” I like that, Lynne. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it’s very true. Just because the lifted mood will pass, doesn’t mean that it’s not real. Thanks.