I watched the door close behind the mammo-tech. She went to ask the radiologist if anything more would be needed. Left alone in the xray room with the boob masher machine, I glared at the thing. It had a little pink ribbon decal on the side.
“Fuck you,” I whispered.
I had been called back for another look after a recent mammogram. And now they want to schedule an ultrasound. Yes, there’s a little tiny thing. I hate to even use the word, it’s so freighted. But yes, the word was mass. And they have to see if it’s benign or not.
You know what my reaction was? Bring it.
When you get old, you get wrinkles and all kinds of stupid stuff that you don’t want. But you know what you maybe also get? Tough.
I’m tired of being scared. I’m ready for fearlessness. I’m entering the Crone stage, I think. Put a cape over my shoulders and a giant C on my chest. Read it any way you want, I’m feeling awesome. Powerful.
I’ve had more than my share of health alerts and surgeries in my 57 years. Enough that when I got this latest, I think the radiologist was thrown by all the ‘tude coming at her.
Whatever happens, happens. Do what you gotta. Life is good.
I dedicate this post to my friend who is in the middle of being treated for an aneurysm behind her eye, and to my other friend who just recovered her 17-handicap three years after her aneurysm – in her brain. To my three girlfriends who were recently widowed. To my 86-year-old mom who is hoping to drive as soon as her broken leg heals.
LIFE: BRING. IT.
Kindle readers can email me at Lmspreen@yahoo.com.
Lynn:
As they used to say in the old days, “I like your spunk!” But seriously, spunk is what it takes to grow older, particularly as a woman, and I doubt there’s one woman in our age range who hasn’t felt that sting of fear you speak about over a dubious mammogram or some other such test. It’s part of the human journey, to slowly fall apart, but we have it within ourselves to keep moving enough to hold on to our vigor, keep thinking enough to hold on to our brains, and keep creating enough to hold on to the vitality and artfulness that makes us exactly who we are. Great post. Stay fearless!
You too, Sis. Thanks for stopping by.
This is the best line in this post: “I’m tired of being scared. I’m ready for fearlessness.”
I think we are habituated to giving away our authority to fear. It’s time to stop it. If we see fear not as an emotion but as an entity that wants to take over and control our lives, it puts things in a different perspective. We can choose between fearful or powerful.
Thanks for the comment, Wendy. I truly believe in “fake it until you make it” or, as a mentor used to say, “change the behavior and the feelings will follow.” So I am practicing fearlessness, and it feels good. Sometimes I notice my posture is fearful, notably when I am feeling frustrated or powerless, so I am beginning to adopt this practice: I throw back my shoulders, expand my lungs and put my chin up a bit. It is a physical change that causes a mental change. What a cool little thing to know.
Hey Lynne,
I know we emailed privately, but just wanted to stop by and give you my undying support during this x@$%&X& time. Suddenly, I wanted to swear so there it is. lol
I love the last line of your post – Life: Bring. It. YOu should use it in your email signature. Nobody will mess with you, girl. xoxoxo
Vonnie, you make me laugh and cry. Thanks for who you are. Enjoy your day.
I am so honored to be reading all these wonderful affirmations from my peers! I thank God there are all of you out there that have such magical words to express my deepest thoughts and emotions! Keep writing, my sisters! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
It is kind of a neighborhood, isn’t it, Janet? We enjoy each other’s company. Stop by again.
WONDERFUL message, Lynne! I’m with Linda R – Life: Bring it!
Thanks, Shannon. Great to hear from you!
You are an inspiration warrior, Lynne. We need fearless training camp and you’d be my favorite camp counselor. I want a tshirt with your words – Life: Bring. It.
Linda, it’s 5:20 a.m. and I’m laughing. Thanks for your comment. I’m flattered beyond words.
With age, we should have developed plenty of guts. Lets find them and share them with each other. Lets become tough old broads together. I think it’s like an untapped bank account. My shrink used to say you get good at whatever you practice. We -and society – haven’t practiced fearlessness in older age. We’ve practiced youth, and the imitation thereof. We’ve practiced giving. What else? It was on the tip of my tongue.
Oh yeah. Forgetfulness!
I’m right there with you, Lynne, having gone through this and then some two years ago. Life is too short NOT to have balls!
Thanks for stopping by, Dr. Rich! I loved your post about Paving a Path to Personal Liberation. It reinforces this new way of thinking – I want to build it, make it a core part of my thinking. Your columns will help. Stop by again – no further moderation to slow you down.
Lynne, you’re in my thoughts and prayers — hope everything turns out okay for you. Life and aging aren’t for sissies! None of us are guaranteed a single minute of a single day — I believe the idea isn’t to creep into Heaven marooned beneath blankets but to slide in with a grin on our faces, saying, “Wow, what a ride!”
Deb, what a great way to put it: “slide in with a grin on our faces”! Thanks for the power boost.
Attitude is good. Attitude helps you to survive. And something to get your teeth into, something to be passionate about.
That’s official. I had it from the horse’s mouth.
You’ll make it.
Friko, you came in from the garden and read my post. I am honored! Folks, if you don’t know it, Friko is a very popular poster in England, with an absolutely magical garden on the edge of castle ruins. But wait, there’s more! Check her out:
http://frikosmusings.blogspot.com/
I’ve had 2 biopsies plus repeat mammos or ultrasound every other time – it sucks and it’s scary and I never get used to it. I applaud your balls – or should we say ovaries?! Guess the pain & privilege of growing older includes putting up with stuff like this and if we haven’t grown a pair by now, we better do it soon. As someone said, aging ain’t for sissys. Wishing you the best, Lynne!
Trish, you are not kidding about aging not for sissies. When I mentioned my friends and all the crap they’re going thru…all you can do is throw back your shoulders and roar.
Bring it on, Life! Do your best – you cannot but make me laugh.
Dear Lynne,
First of all my thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with yet another medical battle. I love your spirit and spunk in the face if it. I know you’ll go at it guns a blazin’ and I admire your refusal to give in to it. KInd of reminds me of when I railed at God when the cancer returned. At first I piously accepted” His “will until one day I got pissed off and yelled out “You are the great miraclemaker so go make me a miracle. I not only wanted one, I expected one and refused to accept anything less.Yes, Lynne, Bring.It.On. I know will do whatever it takes to live life on your own terms. I will be cheering you on. My thoughts and prayers are with you every step of the way.
Sending positive vibes and blessings across the miles,
Love ya, dear friend,
Kathy
Kathy, you have been there! Nobody speaks with more authority than a veteran, and I know you are a believer who would have to be seriously pissed off before yelling at God! I draw strength from your power. Thanks.
Powerful, Lynne, you have all my love.
I know this feeling, as repeatedly I’ve had to go for “those” ultra-sounds…and this last mammogram came back with no recommendation for a follow up. In my case, this time, my relief was overwhelming. I couldn’t believe it! Even though we whisper, or shout, got to hell you little mass, and telling life we are strong, there is a little part of us that is scared, and I understand this.
I had asked my doctor why she thought I didn’t have to go for the ultra-sound, why they didn’t find anything, this time. I asked if it had anything to do with getting off of the hormone replacement drug I had been on for years. She said YES! So, for anyone out there who is taking those drugs, think about it twice. Both of my doctors, cardiologist, and internist, told me to get off of them NOW.
The unfortunate thing, for me, is that the side effect of not taking the hormone replacement was horrible, I went into deep depression. I finally connected the dots, and confided this to my doctor. She said this was not uncommon, and I was given medication that helped immensely. I can handle the hot flashes, but not the depression!
I guess what I’m saying is, Lynne, all of us need to get those mammograms, get those check ups; ask questions, and be aware of what your body is telling you. Yes, as we get older, there are many things that routine doctor’s visits can help prevent in early stages.
All my best wishes, and strength,
Kathy
Kathy, I was at a breast cancer conference in San Antonio almost ten years ago when they interrupted a main speaker to announce new findings in the relationship between HR and breast cancer. Not every time, not for every woman, but it was definitely implicated. You are right about vigilance. Thanks for reminding us.
Lynne,
First off, I hope/pray the ultrasound shows that this is nothing. I’ve been through this procedure myself (plus a biopsy) and think I can understand some of how it feels for you. Secondly, with your strength, attitude, and “bring it” mentality, I know you can handle whatever life dishes out. Yes, you do have balls and they’re powerful. Please keep us updated–I know your friends and your readers are pulling for you.
Thank you, Eileen. The main point I wanted to make is that I am tired of being scared. I was brought up by two frightened people – they did their best, but they had been battered early by life! – and I am SICK of creeping around, always carrying an umbrella. I have reached a point where I would rather get hit by a truck than creep anymore. And that is the gift of maturity I wanted to share.