My greatest fear is sleepwalking through my life – finding out at the end of it that I’ve made some ridiculous miscalculation and wasted a great gift. So it seemed like a smart idea to read “Never Say Die: The Myth and Marketing of the New Old Age” by Susan Jacoby. Bill Moyers, who I respect, had vouched for her.
The premise of “Never…” is that we Boomers are in denial about the fact that we will get old and die. If we were more realistic, we’d enjoy our lives more, feel more empowered, and save a lot of money on snake oil. She says it’s cool to see portrayals of 90-year-olds mountain-biking and skydiving, but it’s not realistic, and if we accepted what is really going to happen to us, we might be better prepared.
I liked the idea. I want to be prepared and use every ounce of my life to the best of my ability, so I read the book. I finished the book. And I have never been so depressed.
If you ever thought you might age and die gracefully, expect Jacoby to bludgeon your expectations with fact, figures, historical stats and anecdotes. She even clucks away the idea of old people becoming “wise” in exchange for our old age, asking why we would suddenly become wise if we’ve been average to stupid all our lives?
I kept reading, thinking that Jacoby would eventually get to the part where she distills all her negative findings into some kind of wisdom, some guide for gleaning the most from our lives in spite of all the reasons not to. The most she can muster is this concession to her nonfiction-writing friends, who urged her to end the book on an up-note:
“And that just about sums up my ‘positive advice’: live in a place that forces you to stay on your feet, and look for work wherever and whenever you can find it.”
At the end of this book I felt like stockpiling Vicodin. Possibly motivated by the tragic loss of her longtime companion to Alzheimers’, Jacoby set out to prove to the rest of us that we have little reason to hope, and she did a good job of making her case.
However, I think the beauty of humanity is that, faced with the knowledge of insurmountable odds, we still fling ourselves heroically against the dark unknown, choosing to believe that somehow, in some small way, we might triumph. Even if, as in this case, we know we will lose the final battle, we nevertheless choose to find meaning in the prosecution of this very personal war.
Lynne,
My husband is a hospice and palliative care doctor (and I used to be a nurse–1st career :)) so I know something about end of life stuff. I do hear about how people face the end of their own or their loved one’s lives every day when my husband comes home.
I believe that the answer is somewhere in the middle. Our western culture, especially in the U.S., does seem to want to deny that we do all grow older and die. People get plastic surgery and do lots of things to keep that illusion of youth going because that is what we glorify. Medical care can keep people “alive” indefinitely but without much quality of living. I hope that I grow old like Betty White, still enjoying every minute. But the fact is that so few people are able to talk about end of life issues and if something catastrophic happens, the decisions fall into the laps of family members who want to do the right thing but aren’t sure what that is. So their loved one ends up in an ICU, on a ventilator and so on and to remove them now feels to some like they are taking away life.
When people ask my husband about feeding tubes, when patients are no longer conscious or able to eat, he tells them that their loved one isn’t dying because he isn’t eating, rather, he isn’t eating because he is dying.
When I was a nurse, someone taught me that if you can’t breathe, eat, pee or swallow without medical intervention, you aren’t “stable,” no matter what medical professionals say. It’s not about the lab values or weather the patient stirs a bit if you shout their name. You must look at the person in the bed and really see. We all grow older and die. That is the circle of life. But like you, I just want to know that I lived my life till I used it all up. I don’t want regrets to be the last thing on my mind.
Great post,
Marilyn
Marilyn, your comment is so rich in wisdom. If anybody would know how these things go, your husband would. I so wish we Americans could start thinking about how to die well. Collectively, we might be able to apply enough pressure to force policy changes, like requiring Medicare to pay for at-home end-of-life-care, which is cheaper than hospitalization. I will say that Susan’s book made me realize that a good death would be a blessing. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Hi Lynne,
Thanks for the warning about Susan Jacoby’s book.
Like you I worry about sleepwalking through life as well. But as a kind of a non-conformist baby boomer, my hope is this – instead battling the wrinkles and meno-pudge, we should be focusing on issues like being respected as elders instead of being the brunt of jokes on late night TV. The media still seems to send a wrong massage about aging in America.
Also, we should focus on the conditions of assisting living facilities aka nursing homes and the compensation of those who take care of us. We certainly can’t expect our children to be burdened with this worry.
As usual, you’ve hit a nerve with me with this post. God – you are good!!!
Thank you!!
PS: you should put your review of the book on Amazon.
Vonnie, I just read this, and I’ve got a huge grin on my face because of your sweet compliment! And you know what? That’s a heck of an idea, to kind of bootleg this column and include it on Amazon. I think I will. Thanks for the great idea.
What a great review, Lynne, and excellent comments. I’ve hesitated to read this book and probably won’t. What I notice is that people diverge a great deal in their old age. Some are happily and productively working, and others seem to just give up on life.
I recently wrote about a blues musician named Pinetop Perkins who won his third Grammy Award in February at age 97. He died a month later. His life was his work, and his work was his life.
Wow, guess that book won’t be flying onto my bookshelf, Lynne! I agree with you … old age is what it is, but the spirit is timeless, ageless … I choose to concentrate on that … not the brief mortal experience that will never seem quite right to our critical minds. What is “right” anyway? We really don’t know … as Buddha said (I think 🙂 … it’s not good or bad, it just is. But we can take heart in the lives we touch along the way, knowing that life is (basically) good! Have a nice week … prairie is coming to life (finally)!
Yikes, thanks for the warning. The last thing I need as my back side sags, is for my hope to sag. I choose to look in the faces of my children and grandchildren and see my life and the hope of the future through them. I also like to see myself as a kick ass type of woman and believe that even if she is bummed out, I don’t have to be. Screw the facts and figures, I am going to enjoy my life and be the exception…or at least try!
In her defense, seeing Alzheimer’s played out in front of you daily can be life changing…my mother is fading more and more each day.
Oh, Grace, I’m sorry about your mom. One of the things Jacoby was infuriated by was the fact that the marketing of old age included manipulation of stats to make it seem less devastating than it is, and one of those manipulations was this: “only 10% of people over 65 will develop Alzheimer’s.” She pointed out that a truer stat is that 50% of people over 80 will get it or some other form of dementia. So I do get that she’s frustrated and grieving. I wish you peace from heartache.
Your reply to Debbie is exactly how I feel. The need to find a balance between unrealistic expectations and giving up the ghost has weighed heavily of late. I don’t think it helps that our society views aging as a failure, one we should be able to avoid. If aging was viewed as acceptable, I think it’d be easier to deal with both the good and bad parts. You’d think we Boomers would have figured out how to make aging trendy!
Thanks for weighing in, Trish. Actually, Susan Jacoby decried the attempt by Boomers to make aging trendy, saying that our portrayal was false and misleading. For example, she took issue with ads for erectile dysfunction because they feature 40-year-old hotties as opposed to “liver-spotted hairless old men.” But her point was that aging is 100% hell and the better we accept that – what? I still don’t get her point, to tell you the truth. Her book was just such a pointless downer.
On a happy note, though, you found the blog! Hope you’ll stop by again.
Better you than me having to wade through such dismal rubbish! Life’s hard enough, without adding to the negativity. Personally, I prefer to surround myself with people and things that support my journey, rather than beat me down. Sure, the odds might be against ALL of us, but if everybody acquiesced to the odds, nothing wonderful would ever get done. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
Exactly, Debbie, the odds might be against us but the hell with the odds! I’m not interested in having somebody blow sunshine up my behind, but on the other end, reading this book was like volunteering to have my fingers hammered. No thanks!
Oy! Thanks, Lynne, for sparing us the read. Jacoby missed the advice I had from a friend when I wanted to write about caregiving early on “you’re going to have to lose the rage first.” Facing facts bravely is one thing; dragging everyone else into the dark and lonely is quite another. I’m glad there is you to haul us back out into the light!
Wow, Linda, “lose the rage first”. What a profoundly true statement. I sense that Jacoby is tortured and grieving, but unlike most of us in this circumstance, she had ready access to a printing press and widespread audience, before she (perhaps) had time to work through her pain. I wish her peace.
I haven’t read the book, and rather doubt I will. There are always those who see, and feel the need to point out, the dark side of things. As far as not aging gracefully, we are surrounded by people who do. As to growing wise, those extra years give us time to find the wisdom that has always been there—the wisdom we were too busy to listen to in our youth. Keep your chin up, Lynn. Your wisdom says it best…”I think the beauty of humanity is that, faced with the knowledge of insurmountable odds, we still fling ourselves heroically against the dark unknown, choosing to believe that somehow, in some small way, we might triumph.” We do triumph. Life isn’t a battle to be won or lost, living it well is the victory. Sounds corny, but it feels so darn good.
And Jean, we have a choice, and how we execute that choice says volumes about our inner workings. For example, I’m not particularly religious, but my friend Father Keith said this to me: “Given that we can’t possibly know, why would anyone choose to believe in the absence of an afterlife?”
Or, as I have said to my sister a million times since coming to grips with the negative influence of my childhood:
“If the future is a fantasy, why fantasize the negative?”
Thanks for stopping by.
Lynne,
The Good News is, that each of our individual lives are exactly what we make them to be. It’s a Mind thing, you know? I applaud you for reading through to the end of the book — I would have thrown it across the room. I refuse to listen to stuff if it’s not what I want to invite in. We want the happy ending, right? And that is all we will accept! 🙂