Late note: after I published this post we all found out about Arnold’s other child, so now I have to change my advice: RUN, MARIA, RUN!
Everybody’s talking about Arnold and Maria splitting. He’s 64 and she’s 56. With their fame and fortune, they’ll have their pick of future partners. Or maybe the motivation isn’t to find someone with whom they’ll be happier. Maybe the goal is independence. Said goal is probably hers, not his.
Here’s what I’ve read: woman 50+ are far more likely to initiate a divorce from their husbands than any other age group. And according to AARP, the top reasons they cite are “freedom, identity and a need for fulfillment.”
Carol Orsborn at Vibrant Nation wrote that divorce among Boomers is up because women want to pursue their own interests:
It isn’t so surprising, really, when you put this into the perspective of how vital we feel at our age…It is highly probable that our mothers (who were) formed in pre-liberation times, felt they had neither the time nor choice to upset the applecart and start fresh. But our generation of women, many of whom worked most of our lives, contributed to or dominated the family income and feel entitled to reinvent ourselves any way we please.
That last sentence wouldn’t sound so good if you were talking about the husband, but never mind.
I’m about Maria’s age, and I don’t think I’d want to start over with someone who is carrying around a half century’s worth of baggage.
My husband says if I died he’d get a dog. We laugh because I know that what he really means is that, at our age, it would be too exhausting to (a) date (b) risk the ups and downs of romance and (c) build a life with someone new. Partly it’s because I’ve worn him down. I know I have a lot of good qualities but I’m weird and it takes a lot out of him.
Could it be any easier for Arnold and Maria to contemplate divorce, especially with four kids? And all their ties, familial and professional?
I say just stick together.
This is my third marriage. Bill’s, too. In California, they have a “three strikes” law, so we’re serving a life sentence. The other day we got to arguing a little heatedly, and I told him it was way past time (after 16 yrs together) for him to be questioning the future of our union. “There’s almost nothing you can do that would make me want a divorce,” I said. “Stop worrying. I want to be together until we die. Okay?”
It’s a gift of old age. A bittersweet kind of security, knowing you’re the last mate, and one of you is going to die in the other’s arms, while one of you carries on. I’m sorry that, whatever Arnold and Maria are going through that it apparently is serious enough that they may have to start over after all the time they’ve shared together, and at this late point in their lives.
Kindle readers can email me with comments at Lmspreen@yahoo.com.
It’s a village, Vonnie. Thanks again.
Lori – I was living in Ithaca, NY at the time. That was 10 years ago, but my daughter just used her last year and she had only raised her rates $100. Apparently, she’s not working for the money. lol!
I wish you well and thank you, Lynne, for allowing our correspondence. 🙂
Vonnie, that was really nice of you to share that info. Lori, I wish you smooth sailing.
Your lawyer did herself a huge favor taking you on! You’re a wonderful advertisement for her… what town was that? I’d love to talk to her.
Thanks for the great suggestions, Vonnie! I now live 200 miles away from my ex, so I’ll have issues related to that distance, but I’m going to look into these options tomorrow.
Loribelle,
If you have a university in your area with a law school, check and see if they have students doing externships. They may not be a cut-throat divorce attorney but I bet they’ll try their best.
Also, most divorce lawyers offer free consultations. Visit two or three in either a crappy neighborhood or a small town, depending on where you live. I had found a woman in a old house with crappy furniture and a tiny office piled with paperwork. She charged me $175 for the separation and and year later another $175 for the divorce. Nobody could beat that price!
We also had property and my ex spent thousands trying to make it ugly for me, but my lawyer was tough. She did everything through letters so we didn’t go to court. In the end, everything was split 50-50. I refer that lawyer to everybody I know, now. 🙂
Good luck to you – I remember the scariness of it all.
I’m freshly divorced and just turned 50. Working for just over minimum wage in a small-town grocery store doesn’t allow me any extra for a lawyer, and the property distribution part of the divorce has gotten ugly. It’s a tough world for an older woman living in relative poverty, and without good legal advice it’s probably going to get tougher. It’s amazing to me that there are no resources for people like me; if you can’t spend thousands on attorneys, you’re easy prey in court.
I will never regret leaving a horrible marriage to an alcoholic, but I agree with you, Lynne, that if there’s any way to work things out, DO IT! Ladies, unless you have complete financial independence, figuring out how to date will be the least of your worries. On the other hand, I’d personally rather starve than spend another year with a man who lived to make me miserable; at least now I sleep in peace and have joy when I wake!
Wow, Lori, you’ve got cojones! I surely do wish you well and am glad you are sleeping in peace and waking in joy. That’s worth almost everything! I hope you’ll visit again – future comments will go up instantly on the website without the moderation process. Best wishes!
Someone once told me “change will come when the pain is great”, and that is proven again and again. My life was no different. Change was inevitable and essential.
RE: Ladies, unless you have complete financial independence, figuring out how to date will be the least of your worries.
AMEN!
guys are everywhere—-just go to the market after work—-they’re all over the place! they’re also likely to be some women’s reject…:)
Oh please, rumor has it that he told her she had a “great ass” when they met. Why not trust people to be who they are–not who we fantasize they are? I’ve gotten in way too much trouble with my unrealistic expectations. Life is too short to compromise your principles. Be at peace with yourself–in or out of marriage.
Hi Rebecca, I remember reading that he said that. As for fantasizing that our friends, lovers, siblings are somebody else, I agree with you. Just accept them. Or as Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who he is, believe it.” Thanks for dropping by. Any future comments won’t have to go through the approval process and will appear online almost instantly. Look forward to hearing from you.
RE: Why not trust people to be who they are–not who we fantasize they are?
where were u when i married my Ex 30 yrs ago—:)
this kind of wisdom comes with aging—i don’t think there’s a shortcut to it—my 3 daughters live their own version of this–it’s youth & thinking ur more powerful than you really are….sigh…..
great post Lynne
Don’t have any of the answers Lynne — celebrity lives must be so different. I can’t even imagine what goes through their minds at a time like this. I just hope they find lasting peace and spiritual awakening … all else is minor in comparison. Best wishes for a sunny weekend! –Daisy
>>My husband says if I died he’d get a dog.<<
I work in an all-male office. When one of us completes an obviously unpleasant phone call with a wife, we all chant "laundry, whorehouse, restaurant, dog."
Oh yeah… we recently decided that life would be more pleasant if men and women were not allowed to use telephones on the same day.
Michael, you crack me up. Thanks for weighing in. Loved your info BTW about the crooked ways of self-publishers, and your blog.
Hi Lynne,
I married at 20 to a man that I didn’t really love but he happened to be the one I was dating when my parents divorced and sold the house. I grew to love him, had 2 kids and by the time they moved out for good I grew to despise him, so I left at 48 and 10 years later I’m happy as hell. When I told my current man why I married my first husband, he said, “Wouldn’t it have been easier to get an apartment?” Now why didn’t I think of that?? LOL!
I would guess that divorce at any stage of life might prove difficult. After all, whether you’re the initiator or not, you’re leaving someone you once promised to love forever. Not only that, but financial considerations surely come into play, as do legal matters (especially if children, pets, household furnishings, etc. are present). After age 50, I would imagine things would be compounded by possible health issues, the scarcity of suitable life partners, vague fears of living alone, and time management (having to assume tasks your former partner performed). Even for famous couples this must be a difficult decision.
Well, Lynne, you certainly have generated lots of interesting thoughts and comments here! Relationships can be a juggling act at times and I guess it depends on how badly each person wants to maintain the relationship balance. We all have our own take on that depending on our circumstances. I feel saddened when I hear of couples who decide to call it quits. I agree, it was most likely a long and painful road to reach that decision and when it is played out on national TV,it becomes even more painful. Thanks for another interesting discussion,Lynne! BTW, I loved your approach to Bill
🙂
As a long-time single (divorced) woman I guess I’m a little surprised at all the hub-bub about this divorce. It saddens me that yet another famous couple has succumbed to the world and its pressures, but at the same time I understand that we’re at that time in our lives where we see over the hill. We’ve climbed to the top and made our choices which got us here. We want our lives to be about more, we want to reach farther out, we want to make a little difference. After all, isn’t that why we’re here in the blog world?
Perhaps Arnold and Maria will help us all find a way to move forward in a new way together. Perhaps they will blaze a trail that will show us that love can exist in many different forms, sometimes as one unit; sometimes as two. I agree, Lynne, that I’m not sure I have the energy at this age to start over again with a new love and life. Certainly there are times when I wish there was someone to rub my shoulders or to kiss me goodnight, but mostly, I’m pretty comfortable with things as they are. I wish that we could all find that place where we become comfortable and settled.
I hope that Arnold and Maria find that place too.
Thanks, Lynne, for sharing your thoughts. I think it’s good that we can all listen to each other and see things from differing points of view.
Grace, you couldn’t have phrased it better. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors … before one can judge anyone else, one has to walk in their shoes. Sometimes it’s a long and painful road.
In my case, my divorce wasn’t my idea. I’m 57, he is 67. I thought it was till death, blah, blah, blah. Often, as I found out the hard way, it is very complicated. By the time we get to our age, we have a lot of baggage and often that baggage raises its ugly head and causes problems. I wish our marriage had had a different outcome, but since it didn’t, I now have to focus on my future and healing. I have found it is best to not make sweeping judgements. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors. For a couple, even a not so famous couple, to make that decision there are likely compelling reasons…sorry if I sound harsh, but my life is still an open wound. The only good thing I can think of is I am happy I am not having to experience my current situation in the glaring public eye.
Amen, sister. Best wishes.