What would you do if you had to choose between your family and one last shot at following your dreams? As parents, we often say that we would lay down our lives for our kids, and as a grandparent, I know it’s literally true. But there’s a more common version of that all-or-nothing decision.
It’s the choice between pursuing a goal, or giving it up for the good of your family.
Some choices are just that hard. You can’t do both. Difficult enough to decide when you’re young. It’s worse when you’re older.
My niece, a new mother, was recently offered a promotion. It was big money, but this management job would have required her to work random hours, travel, and be on call 24/7 (for retail! Get real, corporate egomaniacs. It’s not like she’s a first-responder.)
She said thanks but no, and will stay with her lower level position. She wants to have another child, and she doesn’t intend to complicate her life with that promotion.
My niece can afford to make this decision, timewise. She’s only thirty-one.
On the other hand, Joe Biden is seventy-seven. It’s said that he’s looking at a run for the presidency, but he’s torn. Biden and his family are reeling from the recent death of his son, Beau. A presidential campaign would make their lives much more difficult. Nobody knows for sure what he’s going to do, not even his closest friends.
I suspect Biden doesn’t know, either. The stakes are very high. He is a man who is dedicated to family, but if he waits for the next election, he’ll be eighty-two on Inauguration Day. It’s now or never.
If he chooses to sit it out, I’m sure he’ll be okay. Most older people have been through so much, they’re sanguine about sacrifice. Biden has accomplished enough in his long life to settle back and relax, and if he made that choice, he’d have the satisfaction of knowing he put his family first.
Sometimes I stop in the middle of my hellbent drive for business success, thinking, “Why am I working so hard? Maybe I should give it up and spend more time with Bill, my mom, my siblings, and my friends.” But if decide later to go back to it, I might never be able to regain this level of momentum. Things are changing so fast. If you don’t run hard, you might not be able to keep up, especially with technology.
Should I keep running or give up forever? Am I, at sixty-one, doing the right thing?
Do you ever feel this way, like you have to decide pretty soon whether to make one last run at your dreams, or shut it down and go fishing? If you have already grappled with this, would you mind telling us how it went for you?
Yes, men have that problem of choice. My son turned down nationwide high pay job to be with his 2 boys as they grew up. then he turned down an international job so he could be with his boys. His dad, my husband, also decided he would go only so far, so he could be home with kids at end of day. We had the travel bit first three years of marriage, and we both decided family was more important.
I also knew if I became a school principal, My family would suffer. I chose less pay, more stable hours to be with family. Some would rather go for career, but one has to make that choice and not regret it. At age 85,I do not regret mine.
Iris, in this month’s More Magazine, Anne-Marie Slaughter (who became famous for that Atlantic article saying women can’t have it all…or at least not all at once) proposed the idea of the “lead parent” concept. The LP would take the lead on childrearing, which includes career sacrifice (potentially). Parents might (ideally) trade off taking the lead position, in several-year stretches. Whenever my family needs me, I drop everything. They come first. If it meant poverty (and for a time, it certainly did), so what? That’s how I was raised.
Here’s the article: http://www.more.com/news/personalities/anne-marie-slaughter
This was an interesting subject for men – probably. I am close to 80, had a wonderful career, one in which retirement was a requirement based on being 60 years old. Before retiring, I made a list of things I was going to do. I’d seen too many persons quit, go home, sit in front of a TV or on their porch, and deal with things that really weren’t theirs – and some of them died quickly. My list was extensive. I volunteered for so many things that I finally had to resign from some because I was overworked. Now, I still volunteer on the basis of “pay it forward.” I love writing. Been doing it all my adult life, as a pastime, of course. I still do. Now, I pass on to wannabe writers what I’ve learned, what I’ve researched. Even though I must be somewhat of a caregiver for my wife, I find time to do all of that. Plus, I play golf once a week. I have a thought about the statements of women having a harder time at life’s retirement than men. I have found that being self-centered and negativity are the causes and attributes of unhappy people, whether femaie or male. It’s best to avoid stress by going outside, looking at something pleasant, and smiling. That will feed the soul. Concentrating on what “used to be” is useless. Being jealous because others can do things you can’t — useless, negative, and self-centered. Be positive. Don’t overdo the sharing, but do share your strengths to those who appreciate it.
I moved in with my father and brother when I sold my house. It was a split second decision, not thought through. And here I am 11 years later. My brother has Alzheimer’s disease which my father doesn’t understand, and Dad is 88 years old. I am now a fixture: and it’s on me. I tried to keep my illustration business going, but onsite you’re available at any time of day. I tried therapy, meditation, support groups. Adjust, adjust, set boundaries, adjust. Repeat. The whole experience is constant change in an environment in which I figure last in anyone’s mind. But I’m learning to do the work I can do, and put what I want on the list of TO DO. The guys are well cared for. And I can find the time to follow my bliss, if not a career path. Now I do my own work, instead of clients.
Linda, you have my utmost respect. I am so inspired by people like you who shun victim status and somehow use their creativity and resiliency to find a way around things. I admire that so much. Thank you and best wishes.
Hi Lynne, I had left a comment the day you posted this but apparently it didn’t take? Anyway, once again, you nailed the dilemma of our age…right now I’m running for it ,trying to get as much in as I can. I feel as if I’m trying to hang on to what I can (realistically), knowing at some point I will have to let things go. You might say, I’m putting off giving things up, i.e. exercise, taking trips to see friends, blogging, etc. It gives me a sense of constancy and normalcy that I value. Aging is a slow letting go process for sure as I adjust to new normals while still hanging on to what I enjoy the most. Thanks for another provocative post. 🙂
I guess it didn’t, Kathy, sorry about that! But thanks for trying again. When you said you’re “putting off giving things up, i.e. exercise, taking trips to see friends, blogging, etc.” did you mean you’re still fighting to do those things as long as possible? That’s how I read it. So, just FYI, my 90-year-old mom, who is limited by pain and mobility, still exercises and sees friends (locally). I think those things are non-negotiable. It’s the business part that causes the most angst, I think, for most of us. Because we’re not depending on it to pay the rent, yet we push ourselves as if it’s a career. Why, at this point in our lives? It’s very existential. There’s no middle ground. You can’t go at it easy…I guess it’s what they used to call a “rich girl’s problem.” But sometimes it’s too much.
Oh Lynne, you are spot on again. Do you think this difficult choice is an inherent part of our gender? Do men ever feel like they have to choose between following dreams and their families. Being born female makes our lives perpetual balancing act between what we want and what others want. Let me know when you figure it out. I look to you to lead the way.
Yes, Pat, it’s highly related to gender. Per my reading, women are socialized to prioritize as follows: 1: family, 2: independence, 3: career, 4: fitting in, and 5: attractiveness. The first two are in absolute conflict! Men are socialized thus: 1: money/wealth, 2: adventure, 3: achievement, 4: pleasure, 5: respect. These things change as we mature, but this is said to be true initially.
Oh Lynne, you are spot on again. Do you think making this choice is an inherent part of womanhood in our role as mothers and caretakers? Do men ever feel torn between following a dream and being with family? Being born of the female gender made my entire life a precarious balancing act between MY wants and others needs. Let me know when you get it all figured out. I look to you to lead the way.
I am at that point in my life where it is critical that I follow my bliss. I am fighting a cancer that is ten on the scale for aggression, It is controllable but can change almost overnight. The doctor tells me I have 50/50 chance of living 10 more years. As you know I use the meditation and the doctors are astounded at how quick I recover. A lot of it is attitude and I have attitude. I devoted almost six years to Ethel’s illness and I don’t regret 1 minute.
It is my time now and I am definitely following my bliss with the time I have left.
Lately I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to write more books before get much older, and that’s taking the fun out of the whole writing process. So I’m trying to cut myself some slack. There are lots of other things to enjoy in retirement: lunch with friends, trips with my husband, time with my granddaughter, etc. I’m wondering if writing is something I used to do but don’t anymore… or maybe not. Maybe it’s just a temporary slump.
Sandy, I feel the same way. In fact, I feel it so strongly, and I’m so conflicted at times, that it threatens to rob me of the joy of being a writer. The answer, I’ve found, is this: every weekend (mostly!) I sit down and plan the week. I look at my commitments* and the remaining free time, and I make sure to schedule writing, family, open spaces, etc. I need time to do nothing. I need flexibility in my schedule so if I notice my roses need deadheading, for example, it’s not going to wreck my writing schedule. Or, conversely, I’m not going to skip the roses because of some artificial requirement to write. That reminds me too much of when I had to go to work every day to feed my family, and there was no time for relaxation and fun.
*I have a few rules about commitments: I try to think before agreeing. Is this something that has to be done that way? Is there a simpler, more efficient way of doing X? (e.g. do I HAVE to go to that meeting or can I forward my thoughts in an email and not physically attend? Is that book review for a stranger absolutely necessary? Can I skip this month’s book club selection since it’s not my thing? etc.) I am pitching a conference next spring, but if they don’t accept my speaking proposal, I probably won’t attend. These are the kinds of assessments I do to preserve my time, because once I start feeling out of balance, pressured, and unhappy, I hate it. So, back to the planning board!
I often feel that I would like to stop writing, promoting, etc. and just watch TV or go out to lunch wth friends, but the thing is, I would get bored with that in a short time. I need to keep busy. So I will until I can’t.
In NEW PASSAGES (1995), Gail Sheehy wrote:
“A woman who reaches age 50 today, and remains free of cancer and heart disease, can expect to see her ninety-second birthday.”
Our 1st adulthood is approximately 30 years…from age 20 to 50. If we are fortunate enough to enJOY a 2nd adulthood, it could easily cover 42 years…from age 50 to 92.
NEW PASSAGES and FROM AGE-ING TO SAGE-ING by Rabbi Zalman Schachter “showed up” in my life when I was about 47. My mother, who did not see her 62nd birthday had died 12 years earlier, and I was really curious as to what it meant to age well…so I was reading everything I could get my hands on. I also began planning what I wanted to DO when I retired some day.
My first considerations were…what do I love to do? I knew I loved teaching, traveling and working with people of all ages. By the time I was 55, I had gone to school to get a certification, and when I retired at age 61, I was ready, willing and able to pursue my “dream job”…which was to become a Tour Director and be paid to take people on trips.
My husband is a farmer and his “busy seasons” are spring and fall. Coincidently, the busy group-travel seasons are spring (for student groups) and fall (for adult groups…particularly “leaf peeper” tours). He is so busy working for our older son now, that he barely notices that I’m gone. So far, I am only “on the road” for five or fewer nights. I come home, wash clothes, pay bills, relax, hang out with our grandchildren…and eventually I’m off again.
My ability to “live my dream” does not require a sacrifice for me or my family…it is truly a win-win…and I’m loving my life more than ever!
As with everything . . . it’s completely individual. I’m retired and I like – no – totally enjoy, the fact, that I don’t have to answer to anyone else; no responsibilities for anyone else (in a work environment); no alarm clocks or over-scheduled calendars.
It has taken me beyond a year to rid myself of those inner “Did I” guilt feelings: “”Did I get enough done today? Did I miss anything important; disappoint or let anyone down? Did I perform well enough for public opinion?” STILL, sometimes on Sunday evenings … just for an instant, there’s that pit-in-the-stomach guilt feeling “Oh no, is my homework done for class tomorrow?!”
Dreams ARE being fulfilled now, but without the crushing drive or exploding impulse for immediate achievement. Absolutely no schedules here . . . not for eating, sleeping, doing. The only time an alarm appears is if an appointment or event HAS to be in the a.m
I still choose to be a computer person – both creatively and to keep up with all the family members, and even bought Hubs a lap top to get him interested. (It worked too!) Plenty of time (or not) for drawing, painting, decor and DIY projects. My home is kept clean, tidy and organized … which is necessary for our relaxation. We’re just enjoying the little home we’ve worked so hard to acquire. Limited, but very specific volunteering, and a lot of playing with our pet are important as well..
Boring, huh? Maybe, but it’s wonderful to us.
P.S. Joe Biden looks fantastic for his age 😀
Cheryl, I want your life. It sounds wonderful – you have so much self-knowledge and sound like you have your priorities right. Thanks for sharing that.
Oh, dear Lynne, thank you for writing this today. It confirmed what I am feeling right now.