For the past two Fridays, I’ve been telling you about my difficult childhood and how that caused me to develop, and hang onto, certain behaviors. It’s time for them to go! I want to get rid of, for example, hypervigilance, super-responsibility, extreme anxiety, and workaholism. But how?
Maui beach
A fantastic book on the subject, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. David Amen, not only explains how one’s brain changes due to abuse, but also how you might go about fixing at least some of it. Within these pages are many ideas based in science. A neurologist and psychiatrist, Dr. Amen’s humor and kindness shine through as he describes certain offsetting practices aimed at reclaiming your good health. Here are a few:
- Make a list of happy memories and thoughts to offset the Automatic Negative Thoughts (“kill the ANTS”). I made a list, and it was hard to stop at a dozen things. It was fun to sit quietly one evening and write down memories like special moments with Bill or the kids. Or my roadtrip with Mom through the Dakotas a few years ago.
- Learn to do simple relaxation and visualization activities.
- Exercise. Yes, dammit, there it is again. In addition to all the other things you already knew it was good for, here is something else: it helps normalize melatonin production which enhances the sleep cycle. Exercise also helps tryptophan, an amino acid, to enter the brain, enhancing mood. Tryptophan is the precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin, which helps offset depression.
- Repeat this often: “Feelings sometimes lie to you. Feelings are not always about truth…” Don’t just believe your negative feelings. They may be based in something that no longer makes sense. As a kid I gained a sense of control by not believing good things would happen. As an adult, that negativity is irrelevant.
Ventana overlook, Big Sur
Sometimes we’re unaware of our old behaviors, and that they can drag us down. In one short phone call yesterday, a family member brought up Ebola, Syria, Ferguson, enterovirus68, the risk of a devastating earthquake in our area, and the poor health of three people we know. I wanted to throw the phone against the wall and see it shatter. But then I remembered where she was coming from and why my buttons were being pushed. After saying goodbye, I engaged in:
5. Gratitude:
For my own tenacity. A month ago, I got a feeling – a bad, familiar feeling, and since it was so clear, I decided that THIS time, I would follow up on it. In spite of not having a word for it, or knowing if I were overthinking, overworrying, or just being my old hypochondriac, neurotic, compulsive self, I pursued it. I looked on the Internet and found a word: enmeshment. I found a reason: domestic abuse.
For a wonderful coach, who is giving me resources for self-study and serving as a sounding board.
For my husband, who listens and listens and listens.
For my mom and dad, who I love and appreciate. So shoot me.
Winery patio, central valley, California
What is your takeaway? Let me suggest this: believe in yourself. If you’re unhappy and sense there’s something going on, pursue it. Get help. Take the time to listen to your body. Slow down and notice what your mind is doing. Nurture yourself more. And perhaps take a look at Dr. Amen’s book, and also The Family by John Bradshaw.
It’s your life. You should be happy in it.
Rooftop hot tub overlooking Monterey Bay
And know that you are not alone. I just read a compelling memoir, Not My Father’s Son by Alan Cumming (he plays Eli Gold on The Good Wife). I also recommend Ever Faithful to His Lead by Kathleen Pooler; and Two Hearts: An Adoptee’s Journey Through Grief to Gratitude by Linda Hoye. Many of us have traveled the same path, and have finally reached a place where we feel safe. Now we are enjoying life. I wish you the greatest happiness.
I don’t feel responsible for the health of others around me but I often feel squishy inside. Maybe it’s fear of past abuse recurring.
Could be, Doris. Those memories stay with us. I once flinched when my (current) husband raised his hand suddenly near my face. By this time I had not suffered domestic abuse for at least 20, 25 years, but it was still ingrained in my “survival memory”. My poor husband – he was horrified. I reassured him, but it was a graphic portrayal.
You, my dear, are a treasure. It was so interesting, you mentioned your feeling and gave it the word “enmeshed.” I get these deep stomach feelings and i call them “the squishies” (aka feeling squishy) where i feel both guilty for falling short and responsible for the mental health and happiness of all in my realm. This is always a challenge to try to fix the pain that happens in life. Getting better though…
Lately it’s difficult not to feel like your “phone call” friend. Those topics are all we see on local and US broadcasts. It’s overwhelming, pinning us between empathy and anger, as to the how, who, where, what and what to do’s of it all. So I have been skipping our TV “NEWS” and, choosing selectively between net info and PBS and BBC pieces.
I appreciate your articles because you include a wealth of information, on many topics … i.e. helping many people. Thanks for the stimulation and encouragement to seek positive avenues.
BRRRRiiinnnnng! Cheryl, it’s me!
Today I was meditating and all of a sudden I felt euphoric. Seriously, my body almost felt like it was floating, and all I could think about was: I can do anything. Meaning, I can structure my day the way I want. I can garden or cook, or go to the gym, or bike over to Mom’s house, or take a nap or work on my book. Maybe tomorrow will be different but right now, at this moment? I’m very happy. And I think this is the antidote to the ebola thing and so many other issues that could potentially be very damaging. Be alert and aware, but be grateful, too. Love your life. Savor it.
Thanks for stopping by.
Another excellent post on this topic, Lynne. I like, and concur with, your list of positive practices to help one let go of trauma and take hold of that amazing life that is out there for us. If I might add one more that I learned along the way: I suggest that those who have endured a trauma must be willing to go through the process of understanding, healing, forgiving, and coming to a place of their own peace. There are no shortcuts. We must go THROUGH in order to get to the place where we can create a new, healthier, reality.
Thank you again for your kind mention of Two Hearts.
And I wish great happiness for you too!
Thanks, Linda. I was very emotionally moved by your story. And the part about forgiveness – true, true, true. It’s part of the healing.
I am intrigued that you and I are going after angst but from different angles. In a memoir I confess to having bliss as my default. As I dug into the why of this, one of my discoveries was that bliss was modeled for me by my parents. My guess is that you would think this a good thing, but I submit it is not.
I blame bliss on my being a late bloomer. I blame it on my naivety. I blame it on not liking being called sensitive even without the word “too” in front of it.
Reading your writings and comparing it to my recorded sensitivities, I have come to believe that confronting the angst is the key. Whether we approach it from a natural default of bliss or angst, it does not matter. The point is to confront the angst and a wiser person develops albeit slowly.
Bob, when can we read your memoir? I believe you but don’t quite understand how raising a child in a happy, safe environment with maybe too much emphasis on the good can be a bad thing. Unless there were aspects of it that failed to give you a reasonable sense of wariness. For example, I know a kid who was – well, you might say “spoiled” but I’d call it “lovingly cared for” – and the kid grew up not really understanding the necessity for supporting oneself, or having a craft or skill to market. Another kid, having seen the best in marriages through her parents, was seemingly unable to spot a bad boy looming at her, and chose several of them as mates throughout the years. Is that what you mean? An unrealistic expectation of life, failure to develop coping skills?
Hi Lynne, good thoughts and comments. I am building the suspense. Suffice it to say I am surprised to find creativity in angst when I had thought it resided exclusively in bliss. Together they make life much more complex than when I related to bliss exclusively. My story is not your story, but I hope that it will be one of interest.