Are you over-committed? Do you feel as if you’re stretched too thin, and you hate yourself for not having the guts to say no?
As a person who is almost pathologically responsible – a textbook reaction to growing up with domestic abuse – I think I have a harder time saying no than “normal” women. But recently I’ve been more careful, and practicing saying no, and thinking about it a lot, and I realized this shocking truth:
I feel like I’m going to get in trouble if I say no.
By whom? What kind of trouble? How could that possibly happen? Hell if I know. It’s just a general feeling of gloom, or guilt. Very uncomfortable. It’s probably a logical reaction to how we are raised: to be good girls (or boys). As you mature, you should be able to make the choice without it being so fraught. Think of how great that would feel. As if you had the sole authority to decide what you will and won’t do.
The last time this came up and I was (over)thinking about it, I got this weirdly empowering vision:
I imagined Anna Wintour, famously frosty editor in chief of Vogue, making a decision. She’d say to her assistant: “Tell them no. Next item.” And that would be that. The assistant would scamper out of the room, and Ms. Wintour would return to her work without further thought, worry, second-guessing or hand-wringing.
How empowering it would be to keep that mental picture in our heads – our Inner Anna.
As a result of this fabulous moment of clarity, I came up with a mental checklist for being able to say no.
- Do I have a concrete obligation to say yes? I.e. did I promise something previously?
- If I’ve led the person on, can I ethically get out of it now?
- Is it essential to my family, my health, my career, my personal development, or world peace, to say yes?
- Remember to be positive and kind when saying no.
Here are some thoughts to bolster your courage under fire:
- Say this: Whose choice is it? Whose life is it? Imagine being able to always say no whenever you want to.
- Envision Anna dealing with the issue. Caveat: See #4 above.
- Remind yourself that you are old enough to benefit from your experience. You’re not a weak little kid, unsure of yourself or the way the world works. When you answer questions 1-3 above, you won’t be guessing. You will know.
I hope this is helpful.
Here’s a real sickness: I do NOT need more money, but I was offered some very good green stuff if I’d write this friggin’ grant I didn’t want to write. Like I said, I wanted to work on Christmas presents for my son and daughter in law! But “Former Jan” did an assessment that said, “Saying no for that reason would mean those two knit items would cost X thousands of dollars!” And THAT pushed me to say yes. WHAT WAS THAT?! I think I’ve learned. I am having fun, sort of, but all because I know I will NEVER be suckered into this kind of thing again. I traded my life for money for too dang many years! 🙂
Jan, I almost think I hear fury in your words. Let that be your guide when this is over and you have choice again.
I recently got an opportunity to start an entirely new business. It really called to me. Thrilled, I considered it. I assessed it very carefully, and then, sadly, I had to say no. I felt something akin to grief over the decision, because I felt like I’d never get that chance again, that I was mortal, that I was retreating from the business world, that I was courting irrelevancy and biz oblivion, and that I would miss a chance to do good in the world AND make money.
And yet, I had to say no because I crave, I dream about, free time. Great swaths of hours in which I have no obligation. I went to work early in life and I need to try something else now. Also, I want to enjoy this golden period while Bill and I are still hale and hearty. So, it was one or the other. I took a pass. Have not once regretted it. In fact, I feel somewhat brave, and smart. It’s like that video I posted last Thursday: what if you could design a life for yourself in which you didn’t know what was going to happen? What if you took a chance and did something different?
Which you, probably, next time, will.
Lynne, this reminds me of an Alanon saying I learned years ago, “using NO as a complete sentence followed by “what part of NO do you not understand?” I’ve gotten a lot better over the years but I still appreciate this reminder. And Caller ID on the phone & TV eliminates the need to have to say no to all those annoying solicitations.
Kathy, I love it! It’s all about boundaries and self, when you get down to it.
Is it difficult to say no? Yes, yes, yes. Thanks for your empowering post reminding me that is okay to say no.
Welcome, Pat. Great to hear from you.
Hi Lynne,
Saying no is difficult, for myself it’s the guilt ! The other night I got a call from one of the charities, where I’ve sponsoring two children from under-developed countries for the past ten years. The caller launched into her sales pitch and after seven minutes of non-stop talking she finally got to the question ‘would I sponsor another child’? In my most kind and considerate voice I graciously declined stating that I as a retiree I could not afford to take on a third child. Undaunted the caller continued her sales pitch ‘ a one time contribution etc etc. ‘ we are now at almost 8 minutes of high pressure sales. I took a deep breath and asked the caller to ‘stop’ I told her I found her refusal to accept my decision offensive and ended the call. I know this was the right thing to do for me but boy did I feel guilty and angry that I felt guilty!
Years ago I remember reading “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” perhaps it’s time for a refresher!
Boy, that sounds like a real tough one. I am sure that their strategy of talking nonstop is designed to overwhelm you. I am sorry for all the pain and suffering in the world but you are right, we can’t fix everything.
I’ve gotten so tired of those calls that as soon as they identify themselves, I just hang up. Being polite simply does not work and I’m tired of my time being wasted trying to be kind.
Nancy
Me, too, Nancy. I used to feel bad about it, because when I was 15 I did that job. But now, it’s just pointless being polite. Wasted on these rude callers. If anything is going to get me away from a landline, telemarketers will.
While I totally agree with you one thing comes to mind.
Anna Wintour, can say “No” very easily because she is not looking at the person she is refusing.
Her Assistant can say “No” easily because they are not her own words.
It is much harder to make a decision and follow through with it when you do not have to face the person you are refusing.
But, as you have stated, for most of us, saying “No’ can be a very difficult thing to do.
I had to learn to say “No” kindly when my child was young and we just did not have the money to do what she wanted.
I now notice that she says “No” to my Grandsons now, for different reasons, but still a kindly form “No” They are in a financial position I would never have dreamed of at their age.
She never lets finances enter her refusals, just the truth about why her response to them.
We can say no, but if we are compassionate in the way we do it, life and acceptance is better for all.
Kathleen, I really do like the idea of including compassion in the equation. And my example of Anna was a bit tongue in cheek, meant to reinforce the idea that we all have more spine than we sometimes use.
Yes, I realized that. Many Business executives think they are tough, but it really is their assistants doing all the hard work 🙂
The word “courage” came to mind as I read this post.
Maya Angelou said:
“One is not necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”
(It might be “easier” to say NO if we had an assistant to “deliver” that message.)
Thanks for the “food for thought,” Lynne, as well as the “enCOURAGEment!”
See, that’s what we need, Sue. An assistant. Think how much more we’d get done.
🙂
This is helpful, Lynne. I said yes to writing an award application for a former employer. I wanted to say no. I wanted to focus on knitting my son’s Christmas sweater. But they needed me. And they were offering good money. And so I let my head bob up and down in the time-honored body language that means yes. (And this on top of two big fund raisers I’m coordinating for our local CASA.)
Thanks for this reminder. When this is done, I will channel my inner Anna.
You can’t win them all, Jan, but saying “No” is an underused muscle for many of us, esp. women. Without us donating our time, many organizations would founder. Yesterday, I gave a bag full of hotel toiletries to a neighbor to take to our local food pantry. As she added the bag to the collection in the back of her SUV, she mentioned that she traded in her Cadillac to buy the SUV, because she’s always hauling stuff for the pantry. That’s where she is all the time. It even changed the car she drives.
Good for her.
Not for me.