Bill and I were sitting on the patio, watching the light fade, and talking about recent nightmares.
The night before, we’d both had similar, horrible dreams. Bill dreamed he was homeless, scared, and foraging for food. I dreamed my house fell off the side of a hill, crashing and rolling into splinters. In dream symbology, this probably relates to a sense of insecurity. It’s probably because our family and friends have had some setbacks lately, and we’re rattled.
Bill was facing a birthday, and admitted he’s been more aware lately of mortality. We’re the only animal that knows we’re going to die. How do you deal with that? At least we have each other to talk to, and we enjoyed the back and forth. At the conclusion, I had an idea that gave me comfort:
I wondered if, being in our sixties, we’re still transiting to a more peaceful stage.
Maybe we’re still too young to feel the calmness about death that seems to be typical of many older people. A recent Time magazine had an article with the question “Why are old people less scared of dying?” There are various theories, ranging from the practical (after decades of drama and suffering, older people choose to employ their energies on something more positive) to the physiological (the way your brain changes, like having a chill amygdala later in life). Research tell us that old people “have less anxiety and sadness and more overall satisfaction,” per Thomas Pyszczynski, professor of psychology at the University of Colorado, Colorado Springs.
“A lot of our fear of death is about losing the things we’ve built up,” says Steve Taylor, a psychologist and author (Out of Darkness). “But elderly people let go of their attachment to these things, and in the process they let go of some of their fear.”
Bill and I agreed we’re less worried about dying now that our kids are independent. Maybe that’s a factor, too, in diminishing anxiety. But I think there’s more to it.
When I look at all my mother has gone through, the deaths of so many friends and loved ones, the loss of mobility and access, the loneliness and fears, I think I’d be nuts. But she’s thriving. She has found a new gear. At 90, she’s so powerful.
We pay lip service to elder wisdom, but maybe we underestimate them. I suspect they develop new ways of knowing. New perspectives, new grace.
I said to Bill, maybe we’re in the last throes of anguish over it, and after we process this stage, we’ll reach the sanguine phase. The place of the the old people, where treasuring the now is so much more satisfying than agonizing over the future. “That would be a relief,” he said.
In other words, we’re still too young.
It gets better.
Gosh Lynne, you and Bill cracked me up with the comments, “maybe we’re in the last throes of anguish over it, and after we process this stage, we’ll reach the sanguine phase. The place of the old people, where treasuring the now is so much more satisfying than agonizing over the future. “That would be a relief,” he said.
Yep, I am not there yet — either. I guess I’m too young. (or not evolved enough 🙂
As always, thank you.
I like thinking we’re still maturing. I mean, I look at how Mom (90) processes things and I am in awe. So I assume getting older will mean getting more chill about the rough stuff. Good to hear from you, Heather.
It does get better!
Lynne..your writing is so spot on. No wonder I missed it so much. I feel a mumbo jumbo of all the emotions you write about as I have entered the transition year to retirement. I keep telling myself to embrace the mystery of aging and where it will take me, while still clinging to the old way, which obviously due to my health issues is not working out very well. At any rate, once again your words remind me of how grateful I am to have you leading the way on this journey of self discovery.
Pat, your words make me happy and grateful. I was just reading the galleys for a book that’ll be out in March by Ashton Applewhite, an aging advocate (and fan of words beginning with “A”), and she makes the case that we look at aging and disability (not that they’re necessarily related) from the viewpoint of youth and ability. But once we get there, we see things from the inside outward, rather than the reverse, and our perspective changes for the better. Where once we would have said, “Kill me if I ever…”, when we get to that point, we are much happier and more at peace than we ever, ever would have expected. Largely this is due to society’s low expectations of both groups. LARGELY it’s because satisfaction doesn’t make any money for the beauty- or medical-industrial complexes. (I feel another blog post coming on.) Good to hear from you. More in a private email.
Lynne, you have a knack for choosing such appropriate, interesting, and thought-provoking subjects on age-related issues. Just yesterday, I spoke for a long time with a dear life-long friend about how thoughts change about life as we age. Younger, we strive for success and making the best decisions. Older (I’m almost 80 now), we no longer strive for successes that were so important years ago. The best decisions now relate to how we can enjoy the wonderful times available to us each day (sometimes each hour), and longer, in our forseeable future. Thank you, for a great reminder.
Bob, some experts on aging believe that having a smaller window of opportunity leads to less anxiety, more peacefulness. They theorize that a younger person has the whole unknown expanse of a lifetime to prepare for, to be ready for, to make the right decisions about (years in advance). Whereas we have only to think about the next decade or so, and it focuses us on the moment, and relieves us of that overly-broad stress. This theory makes sense to me. Thanks for stopping by.
Each stage of life brings its own joys and its own set of problems. Now that I am in my seventies I know that when a big obstacle gets in my way I will eventually overcome it. And I tell my children that. Never accept defeat. Stay strong. There truly is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Long as it isn’t a train. 😉
Seriously, young people should hear more about the pleasures of aging. They’re (and WE’RE) so accustomed to fearing and denigrating it, but there are some powerful benefits. Like, as you imply, the peacefulness that comes from having been through it.
Like you, I worry less now that my children are grown up and independent. It helps to have all of your wills and finances in order, so you know no one will have a rude financial shock when you die. But for the most part, I’m worrying less and less about my mortality as I get older (well into my 70s now). Also, I realize that kind of worry is such a waste of time!
Diane, I think you are in the sanguine zone.
Another thoughtful post, Lynne It’s heartening to think that the fear of dying lessens the closer we get to it…I’ve noticed that I am letting go of the “stuff” that used to bother me, like worrying about what might happen in the future. It’s also starting to feel more natural to be in the present moment–all the practice is finally taking hold. And the gratitude–each day really is a gift.
Isn’t it weird how you get something in exchange for losing something? Very reassuring. That equanimity you speak of is like the compensation for the wrinkles and the no-longer-rubbery tendons, don’t you think?
What a relief that we get to feel that way, Roxanne. A fine compensation for other losses.
Have you heard of NATURE AND THE HUMAN SOUL by Bill Plotkin, Lynne?
Here’s a link to a chart from the book that gives a great “visual” of life stages, including the ones that we have probably not yet reached in our 60’s:
http://www.natureandthehumansoul.com/newbook/diagrams.htm
Plotkin doesn’t attach specific ages to each stage, because getting older chronologically does not necessarily guarantee maturation.
The final stage, if we are fortunate enough to achieve it, LATE ELDERHOOD, brings the gift of “grace”…just as you have surmised in this thoughtful and thought provoking post, Lynne.
Sue, what a lovely chart. I will bookmark it to savor more thoroughly later. It’s similar to Erikson’s https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development#Stages
but I like the idea that Plotkin doesn’t include ages. Because we are so individualized later in life. I know some people my age or older who are still stuck in junior high…or maybe have regressed backwards.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is not just a TV show…
Great post,Lynne. I think when we do embrace our inevitable mortality, it frees us up to enjoy the time we have on this earth…the moments that matter. Illness has tempered my acceptance and it’s a blessing. No matter how many health challenges come my way, I tell myself, “I survived cancer and I’m still here, living a great life.” Life is precious and every day is a gift. And I agree, I fear mortality less now that I am older.
Kathy, I remember being in the hospital and not caring if I died. This was when I was around 40. Sometimes, your perspective changes…although you have been through a much harsher mill than I, so you know this. It’s interesting how things can change. We know one thing, and then another takes precedence. Kind of refreshing. We’re not wedded to one way of seeing.