The young woman was upset about her mother. “Mom bought me a house a few years ago, and believe me, I’m grateful,” she said to the advice columnist. “But I’ve had some financial setbacks, like losing my job in the recession and having to file bankruptcy. I’m doing the best I can to pay Mom back, but the other day she complained to my aunt about my financial dependency. I can’t believe my mother revealed this confidence. She’s normally so private. I’m worried she’s starting to show signs of dementia.”
The advice columnist responded, “She might just be resentful about your financial situation, and kept it to herself all these years. But definitely try to get her to go with you to her doctor,” she said. “Have her get a full checkup…”
I don’t like what you did. I think you need to see your doctor.
Maybe some of us DO get old and cranky, and maybe we shoot our mouths off about not wanting to be doormats any more. Maybe we’ve seen enough bad behavior by this point that we’re way less tolerant of it, and we’re comfortable saying so out loud. How convenient to assume we’re losing our marbles.
Impending dementia provides a handy explanation for discomfiting behavior. (For younger people, we cluck that they “may be bipolar.”) Neither assessment should be made casually. If you see something, observe without panicking, and if there’s a pattern over time, discuss it privately with a professional. If you receive guidance to take it further, so be it. But don’t jump into it haphazardly.
Humans like to control their environment. A crabby senior might look like a candidate for muzzling but tread carefully. An irresponsible charge of dementia can cause us to resent you and begin second-guessing ourselves. Life is fast-moving and complicated these days. Plenty of people forget things, sound stupid, or lose their tempers. Ageism alert: if you wouldn’t accuse a young person of dementia in a certain situation, don’t accuse an old person of it either.
Please don’t be mad at me. I swear I’m in my right mind. Such as it is.
I always said that I will wear whatever I want whenever I want, when I am old. Allowances for the elderly. It would be far better to enjoy seniors than to accuse and marginalize them. I’m with you. I’m also nearing the age of jeopardy of being accused. I can see it all clearly.
Christine, there are so many in our demographic, sheer numbers should overwhelm any resistance! BTW, I have a writer friend who dresses with such flair; he says writers have a duty to look interesting. I love his attitude and I think I’m going to adapt it to aging.
Lynne, first let me thank you for using the bottom photo to illustrate this post. Ha ha ha ha ha! Gotta love Bette Davis!!
Second: It took me a while to get time to read this, so I left it idling patiently in my inbox for a while. I wanted to give it my full attention. I agree with another commenter: You nailed it on this one.
Now I’m just wondering if you’re working on a post regarding China’s new (as of today) law: Those who do not visit their elderly (60 or over) parents are subject to prosecution. Please give us your thoughts!
Hah. I assume this would be China’s effort to mitigate any responsibility the state might otherwise feel to care for its elderly, but not having researched it, I can’t say. Can you imagine an overworked, unhappy, solo (because of the one child per household rule) adult child making a mandatory visit to avoid civil penalty? What would the conversation between son (because they killed so many girl babies, it’s probably a boy – and he’s probably single) and mother (because women outlive men) sound like? But maybe I’m too cynical.
Girl, I love your sassy-ness! I can’t imagine what the conversation would be like. I can’t imagine trying to legislate, then enforce, filial allegiance. What if your elderly father molested you when you were a kid? Are you still required to visit him?
Zackly.
Just shoot me now! I have heard my children say these things about the other parents. I cannot be long before it is my turn! I just try to be a little nuts ALL the time. Maybe they won’t notice when the time comes.
Good strategy! They won’t even notice! 😉
I finally cured myself of the disease to please after years of being ‘nice’ and ‘not making waves’. I’m glad my kids don’t live near me or they’d be shipping me off the to care center of no return. Yikes!!
Great post – I think you should publish it where the stupid whippersnappers can read it as well as we addle-brained boomers. LOL!
Loved this! There is a tsunami of baby boom aging women coming up. Some of us will indeed have cognitive challenges, but, for a while at least, most of us will not. We can be the generation that changes the merciless stereotype that denigrates and dismisses older women. (I did seven SoulCollage workshops last year using Pinkola-Estes “Dangerous Old Woman” audio stories as a springboard. We had a great time! Very empowering. Interesting that this story started with an upset about financial matters. In New York State the age when “elder abuse” begins to become an issue is 65, with financial abuse the most common form.
Thanks for mentioning the Pinkola-Estes “Dangerous Old Woman” stories…I had not heard of this and intend to read it ASAP. Hope you’ll stop by often. Best wishes in all you do.
they are best listened to on a the CD or MP3 download at SoundsTrue.com She is a Jungian storytelller with many wonderful collections…
Oh, Lynne, I love this. It reminds me of my 90 year old mom who after years of stuffing her feelings, does not hesitate to shoot from the hip. I’m convinced her feistiness is keeping her young. IMO, I think jumping to labels is easier than dealing with the feelings and frustrations behind the behavior.
Kathy, your last sentence should be carved onto a national monument. I’m going to use it to share this on G+. You hit it squarely. If I get to be 90 with all my marbles, I might act nuts just because I can, and what the hell can anybody do about it?! Imagine living in a world where almost everybody is younger than you – you’d have to be pissed off. I would, anyway. Stupid whippersnappers.
Another thought provoking post. This is just another example of blanket assumptions applied to older people — a convenient label for any behavior that is unpleasant, inconvenient, or embarrassing. After a certain age, many of us adopt a “who gives a rat’s ass?” attitude. Rather than demented, I think we’re enlightened.
Oh, Sandy, I MUST convert to WordPress.org so we can all retweet our comments. Your last line is a keeper.
That ranks up there with men accusing women of having PMS when the problem is they were a jerk and wouldn’t own up to their behavior.
Good post – I really like the topics you write about. It’s a good niche and one I can relate to.
Nancy
Oh, good one, Nancy. PMS is a fantastic parallel. And I’m glad you’re enjoying AST. Thanks for coming by.
Frustrations pile UP. Why are we not allowed to vent when overwhelmed without being labelled? In this situation, it sounds like the daughter has hit a snag. Now both are hurt without understanding each other’s emotional situation.
It’s just so effing easy to judge. Oh, she’s becoming demented; he’s bipolar; she’s OCD. The one thing I thought we were learning from our more recent explorations of the autism spectrum was how different humans are at a particular stage of life, let alone along the whole life span. We’re all weird and have our own quirks; it doesn’t mean anything! Or, to quote poor old (late) Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?”
I’ve seen my kids roll their eyes when I speak up after keeping a stiff upper lip.
As a seventy year old, I thank you for this post. I can relate to the mother whose daughter is having finacial difficulties. At my age when I’m doing everything I can for my kids, and they’re still going under, I need someone to talk to about it. Dementia? No way!
You’re very welcome. My mom, who is 88, talks to me about what it’s like being her age, but she is guarded about expressing her darker thoughts with others, for fear they’ll evaluate and judge her vis a vis the end of her life. Why the hell can’t we all just relax and accept the variations on the human theme?
It has been my observation that people lose their filters as they get older. My mother-in-law who would never say anything hurtful to anyone became quite good at speaking her mind. It was a shock. My own mother lost the filter that hid her selfishness. I’m quite excited to see what will float to the top when my own filter goes.
The columnist was just covering her behind. Her filter loss is already exposed. lol Great post!
Thanks, DOD. I see your point, but I hesitate to agree about the “losing our filters” thing, because it’s a variation on the theme. Maybe instead of losing anything, we’re gaining confidence to speak the truth, finally. Maybe we were over-editing ourselves earlier in life, and now we’re more real; the world is then better off and lucky to have us, because we’re not hiding our light under a basket anymore. Enjoy, world!
Lynne, That’s it. I think you nailed it.
I would like to think you are right about becoming braver and more willing to stand up for ourselves. I’m all for taking your power but not at the expense of others’ feelings. It is probably a little bit of both.
It concerns me – the use of that word. It could easily become another way to exercise ageism, to marginalize the elderly. I’ve seen dementia and it is a complex, complicated and frustrating thing. Taking care of someone and communicating with someone who has it takes a lot of skill and patience. That was absolutely awful advice from that columnist. Awful.
Agreed.
My guess is that Mom spilled the beans out of worry and frustration. I agree with you, the advice columnist overreacted…though suggesting medical attention is a nice Cover-Your-Ass kind of statement!
Kids crack me up. They’re so knee-jerk. Got to learn to roll with the punches – another benefit of age.