Do you sometimes feel that your time is past? It happened as I read Scott Adams’ new book, How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. It’s funny and informative, but some of his advice is geared toward younger people; for example, how to persuade more effectively, overcoming shyness, and the importance of good grammar. (Before you question the value of the entire book, he also talks about the impact of social biases; tracking your personal energy level as the most important metric in your pursuit of a successful life; and his belief that the mind is a “moist computer you can program.”)
But back to my original problem. We, the People of the Second Half, have harder questions that I rarely see addressed, certainly not in popular best-sellers. Here are a few:
- How do you cultivate a happy, productive life when half of it (or more) is over? How much work do you put into this effort? Should you speed up or slow down?
- How do you feel confident in your maturity when you’re denigrated for it?
- Where do you go to find answers in this youth-obsessed society?
Luckily, I have answers for you, because I found a teacher.
Dorys, writer and wise woman
Last Friday, at a writing retreat, I sat with a wise friend, Dorys, and asked about her life at eighty-five. She admitted that sometimes it strikes her hard that “I’m fifteen years away from being one hundred!” And yet, her eyes danced with humor and kindness as she answered the pathetic questions of this 59-year-old.
One was about being alone long-term. In response, she told me about a day she spent recently in which the phone did not ring, no one knocked on her door, and she had no reason to get in her car and drive anywhere. Instead of feeling lonely, Dorys reveled in the solitude. How lucky I am, she thought, to have one entire day all to myself, where I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything, no obligations, a whole landscape to explore without interruption, free to do whatever I want. With just her kitty for company, she had a day of golden solitude.
A therapist once told me that to live happily alone, we must first become ALL ONE. Whole. Dorys says that is a major prescription for life. Here are the highlights of her advice to me:
- Stop overthinking the aloneness question. We expand what we focus on, and thus might give too much power to the fear. With maturity, this and other issues won’t seem insurmountable.
- Don’t underestimate the power of distraction when the blues or loneliness hit you. She might escape into a movie or two. Usually, by the time the movie ends, her attitude has shifted.
- “Give of yourself to someone, or fill a need,” Dorys says. “I volunteer in a hospital one day a week; I also volunteer at the community theater, and I’m a political advocate working with our local politicians to make improve our community. I participate in an annual variety show. I am learning Spanish.”
- “My philosophy is to choose where you want to spend your time and with whom. The minutes we are given are precious.”
- And along those lines: “Wasting (time) worrying about what might be is like preparing yourself for it to happen.”
- “Find your authentic self or seek out your passion, embrace it and learn to fill the void you are consumed with.”
- “Keep your life in perspective. You may be having a blue afternoon, but there’s someone out there who’d kill for your blessings.”
I appreciate Dorys. She’s an inspiration and a source of comfort. Life is complicated, but if you find a good teacher you might feel happier and more at peace with the unknowable. Manage what you can and develop the confidence to leave the rest alone.
Do you have any suggestions for living well in the second half?
I can only add “routine” to the list of things that your very wise friend gave you. When solitude closes in, being alone is not a problem but not being active is. My husband spends time golfing and I find myself alone a great deal of the time. I have found that having routine when my days grow long help immeasurably.
I am 72 and have been retired for 16+ years. I am still learning how to live the other end of my life. But it all good and I love the adventure.
Barbara
Barbara, you are so right. Routine is important. I would guess that, if we train our brains to know or expect a certain pattern, there is a kind of comfort in not having to expend extra energy on the uncertainty. So we would have evolved into pattern-loving routine makers. I know I’m more comfortable with one. Thanks for the input.
I enjoyed your blog. As I age (67 years young) I try to do this gracefully, balancing a desire to speed up and do what I can when I can and slow down to “smell the roses.” Another balancing act is to spend part of my time with savoring my relationships with people I enjoying being with and part of my time alone savoring my solitude. I need both to make me happy.
Words of wisdom, David. Thanks for sharing your strategies with us. Best wishes.
I’d add “hang on to your sense of humor.”
YES!
Lynne, what a wise woman your friend is. I don’t know about Scott Adam’s work, but I think your Dorys should be the one writing the book on how to live well at any age.
Good idea, Pat.
I love this, Lynne. Thank you! I’m also 59 and live alone and work from home alone…So I spend an abundance of time alone! Luckily, I’ve always enjoyed my own company! Lol However, this past year has been a challenge and I found myself feeling lonely and depressed at times. Your friends advice is exactly what I needed to hear! I also greatly enjoyed reading the other comments. Another great post!
Good to hear from you, Cindy! Another thing to be grateful for is the Internet. How much easier to be alone when still in the company of all of us!
Thanks for this post which I have printed out. It highlights positivity in aloneness, not just for those elderly. I am 59 and have been alone for 2 years now. Here is my own list, (short version)
1. Accept aloneness and embrace it as a gift to become your true self
2. Nurture yourself with a healthy diet, nature and a comforting routine.
3. Live for and embrace each day. Watch the sunrise. Smell the flowers.
4. Put yourself first and plan your day, your month, your life.
5. Connect with your loved ones, by phone, email, letters.
6. Reach out to others for support wherever needed; for home maintenance, gardening, emotional support etc
7. Be kind to others. There is someone in the world less fortunate than yourself, or who needs your help. Recognize them. Find them.
8. Start a gratitude journal of things in life to be grateful for.
9. Find your passion and embrace it.
10. Take control of your soul, your life and your destiny.
# 1, 9, and 10 especially are the ones that I feel have been gifted to me through this direction in life that I did not choose. Now I pinch myself that I am so fortunate to have been given that gift of aloneness.
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I had to adapt #4 somewhat, as I am often in service to others, but truth be told, I probably do it as much to reassure myself as to help them! It was generous of you to take the time to share your strategies with us.
Hi Lynne. I’m new to the blogging world, and have never checked out anyone else’s blogs. Yours is the first. I especially enjoyed it because I’m in that over 80 group…and still going strong. I’m blessed to still have the same husband after 63 years. We travel in his Honda S2000 sports car; we have an active church life, a large family (6 kids, 13 gr.kids, and 3 gr.gr. kids) From ages 40-60, I had 9 books published by Christian publishers, and just self-published a romance/suspense novel, “The River Runs Deep.” I agree with Dorys. Keep busy, love life, and spread the joy wherever you can!
Shirley Cook
Shirley, what an uplifting comment. And I’m jealous about the S2000, but even more about your writing career. Oh, I aspire to that! I wish you and your family well, and hope you’ll stop by often. Here’s the link to your latest: The River Runs Deep by Shirley Cook.
Love this so much. My grandmother lived to the ripe old age of 99 and kept herself current and passionate by following politics. Oh how vibrant she was in her loathing of George W. I hope to have her kind of civic interest when I hit the big 99. 80 years from now.
80 years! Holy God, what will the world look like by then? You’re like an emissary from the future, Shannon! Thanks for writing. Return often.
Oh, okay, got it. But still!
Wonderful perspective from Dorys on what for some can be a difficult time. But everyone, no matter how young or old, has times when life is not a bed of roses. Her advice should go out to all people beginning in childhood. It’s just plain good common sense. And helps through all those rough patches.
I like people with spunk no matter what age. I can’t understand those who complain they are bored or lonely. Get on your walking shoes or car keys and get out there and get involved. I like Dorys. She has spunk. 😀
Of course, people who are infirm aren’t as able to still take charge.
Dogs help! But also meditation and keeping a gratitude journal.
Rosy
http://rosythereviewer.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for Dorys’ wise council. I was lucky to have her share some of her wisdom with me last year. She is an amazing woman and a wonderful example of how to live! I miss seeing her! Thanks Lynn.
Sue! How great to hear from you. Hope you are well and lovin’ life!
Lynne, you always bring us such treasures both in the form of people such as Dorys–what an inspiration she is– and in your insightful distillation of all the information. I feel I can take each of your points and make it work for me. My favorite:“Keep your life in perspective. You may be having a blue afternoon, but there’s someone out there who’d kill for your blessings.” Thank you, dear friend, for enlightening me again.
Kathy, when I started asking Dorys for her perspective, I was a little shy about probing. After all, we’ve been trained in this culture to equate agedness with negativity. The word “elder” connotes power and wisdom, yet it’s delicate to use it – some may be offended. But Dorys was excited to talk with me! She radiated enthusiasm for the subject. She said I was ahead of the curve for even asking, so I say, let’s start asking! Delicately…but if you find an elder who wants to teach you something, stick like glue. And thanks for your kind comments, my friend.
What a rich stop in my morning to have perused these thoughts and wisdom. Finding friends like Dorys is synchronicity, isn’t it? You go to a writing retreat for one or two things and come away with an encounter like that. Always learning, moving, being grateful, not worrying; ah, these and more. Each day, each punch that life doles out – we’re just damn lucky to be along for the ride, aren’t we? Loved this. Thank you Lynne.
Barbara, you’re so right. Damn lucky. As hard as it might be to get old, every day I live longer is another day to have a moving conversation with my husband, to see my kids and grands develop; to see inspiration from people like David (http://davidkanigan.com/) and Mimi (http://waitingforthekarmatruck.com/); another day to feel touched by the gods. Enjoy.
In Dorys you have found more than a friend, teacher and mentor, Lynne, you have found another “gem.” Thanks for sharing her wise words with us.
Here are some other suggestions that promote “living well in the second half”…
1. ALWAYS have “something fun” to look forward to. Today I am looking forward to spending several hours with two of my grandchildren, and then having leftover chili for supper. There are a couple of movies in theaters now that I want to see, plus I am currently dreaming, thinking and making plans for the winter trip I will take with my husband. “The Bucket List” inspired many people to generate their own lists.
2. Move your body. Stay fit enough so that your “vehicle” will be able to “transport” you to those places you wish to go and the activities you look forward to doing.
3. Exercise you brain by reading inspirational blogs (like Any Shiny Thing) and books. Journal (I especially love doing “morning pages” as explained in THE ARTIST’S WAY). Do “research” on a subject that interests you.
4. Pay attention to and value intuition (that still small voice). Look for “synchronicities.”
5. Be friends with people of all ages when possible.
Sue, I printed out your comment and hung it on the wall behind my desk. GREAT info, thanks.
Just think about when you are in your eighties and younger people talk to you about some of their problems and worries, how well you will be able to advise them! By this I mean you are picking up wonderful ideas all the time it seems because you have an open, curious, caring mind..
Mary! So good to hear from you. I hope you are well and writing like crazy. I started the 150-year-old woman book but got pulled away. Will get back to it soon and report back!
For those of you who haven’t yet met Mary, here’s the post about her: https://anyshinything.com/2013/10/18/amazing-80s/
What an amazing friend you have and a great post to read with my morning coffee! I especially liked the quote, “…Choose where you want to spend your time and with whom. The minutes we are given are precious.” Anita
Anita, I felt like I’d hit the jackpot when I sat down with Dorys and found that, instead of her being put off by my “childish” questions, she was so happy to help show me the way.
Can’t imagine your questions as pathetic, and I am speaking as an elder. :>) I claim it. We recently had a luncheon where our subject was mentors. This would have fit very well. Our ages ranged from eighty something to fifty something. Men and women.
Bob, I sometimes have to stifle a smile when hearing an anguished question from a thirty-something person, so I assume that’s how elders see me. My slight embarrassment is a compliment to them, because I believe they know things I have yet to learn. Claim it, yes. Claim it. It seems a prize hard-won.
My cat came into my office just as I was agreeing with your perspective on thirty somethings. He makes me smile too.
ps: Charlie the cat is nine. That make him 9×7 63. an elder.
I think her advice is solid to the core!
Me, too, Gretchen. Very reassuring.
Thanks for sharing Dorys’ wise words with us. We older adults should all have the handle on life that she has.
Hey Martin, good to hear from you. And I know you do have the same handle on life. I just subscribed to your blog. I’ve been missing out! http://fifty2ninety.com/
Thanks for the subscription, Lynn. You’ve already saved me with the telomeres thing :-))
Takes a village.
The advice is terrific and the energy with which it is given is even better!!
Mimi, it was such a great day. Dorys and I met through a mutual friend, several years ago. Said friend, Tammy Coia, runs a series of memoir-writing classes and retreats in the Coachella Valley. For this event, we were at the Shadow Mountain Winery in Warner Springs, CA, on a cool Fall day, sitting on the patio for the class and an exquisite lunch, followed by a tour and wine tasting. The perfect spot to tap into the wise mind of a mentor/friend. Fantastic. Here’s the winery’s website. It’s a tiny, handcrafty kind of place: http://www.shadowmountainvineyards.com/photos.html
Thank you for sharing this with me – I’m still on a high from reading this (and I haven’t had anything more than coffee).