Last week we wondered if positive aging depended on having a sense of purpose. One elder said, “After decades of being extremely busy with children and then a career, retirement makes me ask ‘If you don’t have obligations, what is the point?'”
Maybe that’s why retirees are so busy: to feel as if life has a point.
Retirement and older age can be a rough time. I joined a discussion of old age malaise, and one of the saddest things I heard was this: “There is no one left in my life to share the ups and downs of normal everyday things. Dozens of friendly acquaintances can’t make up for that.”
What would you tell an old friend who said such a thing? Some answers began to emerge, and they seemed to center on having a purpose.
I read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, who said we can get through just about anything if we can articulate a purpose (“If man has a why, he can put up with almost any how.”) If you wonder how to keep going in older age, when your body is breaking down, society discounts you, and your energy level is dropping, I recommend it. My review is here.
A discussion participant said, “Without a purpose to our lives…can seem like we are just taking up space and resources I believe we need to serve. Otherwise, we might as well be rocks.”
So the key is to be of service?
One person found happiness by focusing more on her values, making the world a better place, and caring for her loved ones. There’s something called the Grandmother Hypothesis, which suggests the presence of caring elders in a tribe can enhance the longevity of its members.
Mom at 90 with great-granddaughter
But what if you’re tired of working for the good of mankind, and just want to chill? Can one serve oneself, after a lifetime of serving others? Does that count? What if you just want to finally take the time to meditate, read, do yoga, watch movies, interact online, get into a hobby, and feed your creative brain?
I like the idea of bucking our Puritan productivity ethic.
One person said if we give to others, what we get back is a sense of purpose, a sense that there’s a point to our existence. Another finds meaning in serving as “a correspondent from an earlier generation.” Younger people might want to know what’s coming.
Wouldn’t it be smart to think about this when you’re younger, so you can be prepared?
Now that we have Internet and community forums, older peeps can tear the lid off aging and show the kids it ain’t so bad. They can be more prepared for it, so they’re happier when they get old. Developing a non-work hobby or interest might be the key. For me, it was writing.
As one woman said, “We spend our lives training for a job, and when that job ends, we may feel our lives have ended too. Maybe our roles are too limited. Earning a living seems to be what it’s all about. Isn’t there more to life? I’m past 90 now, and I’m happier as an old person than I was when young. Now I can do what I want, not what I’m assigned to do by others. It’s great!”
What about you? Do you have a purpose that fires you up?
Another great,thought provoking post Lynne. In our fast-paced, youth-worship culture, we overlook the gifts of our elderly. My grandparents helped shape who I am. I believe we all need that caring tribe of generations. Like you, I find purpose in writing and coaching and being an authentic woman.
Pat, your blog is a testament to the benevolent influence your parents and grandparents had in shaping you into who you are today. I always enjoy reading your posts.
Don’t you sometimes look back at your teenage years or some other part of your life and just think-was that me? We change as each decade goes by into a different being than we were before. Or maybe I just need some serious counseling. Probably!
It’s mixed. In some ways I am the very same person. For example, I remember, in a scene from my childhood somewhere before age 12, wanting to figure stuff out (life; why things are the way they are) and explain it, in a clear and accessible way, to other people. However, I was also too self-sacrificing, introverted, and depressed. Thank God those things have changed. I think the core never changes. I’ll always be introverted. But the behaviors change (I have learned, by forcing myself into it, to be comfortable with and eventually to LOVE public speaking). Thus the essential nature (shyness) is mitigated. Do you think this explains your changes, Judy?
Being an introvert myself, I understand but you are much more forward than I am. I don’t think I was depressed ever for too long or let myself be now for any length of time. I love to be a bit of a comedian and maybe get myself through bad situations by joking. Don’t know if that’s good or bad.
Oh, it’s good, it’s very healthy.
The first time I read the following quote, which is attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, I knew that I found the purpose for my life…
“To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882) American Essayist & Poet
Sue, that would be a good prayer to say every morning before I start the day. Thanks for the reminder.
Not yet. The previous two years (’13 & ’14) were crazy with family illnesses (father Alzheimer’s, mother-in-law c-diff), job loss (mine), four deaths (cousin, mother-in-law, father and aunt). Last year my husband ended up in the hospital with a ruptured gall bladder (in ICU for a couple of days) a month after my father died. We dealt with his health issues culminating with a second surgery in December. He is fine now but I am catching my breath and still trying to find a job. So far I’ve only been able to find a part-time temp job. Once we dig out of debt I can think about finding a purpose.
Sounds like you are neck-deep in purpose, Suzie. When my dad died, my purpose was to get through each day in spite of the implosion of my relationship with a sibling who needed, at the time, to destroy the family. Then, my 86-year-old mother fell and broke her femur. There have been back-to-back years when, due to the need to provide childcare to my grandbabies, that alone was my purpose. My family comes first, and economics do too. So I hear you. Per Maslow’s Hierarchy, purpose would be at the top of the pyramid. In a way, it’s a luxury to be able to complain about old-age ennui, which I thank you for reminding us of. Best wishes.