A couple days ago, my writing group gave me a ration of crap. They started out nice, and then they got pornographic. They were hootin’ and howlin’, laughing like a bunch of drunk teenage girls over one word. (The one guy who showed up today said this is why he likes being in an all-woman group.)
All because of my candy-ass sex scene.
I guess I’m sort of a prude. I don’t like writing about graphic sex. Him touching her whatever, or her doing X to his anything. I like to read what other people write, but my mom’s still alive, for crying out loud, and she reads my stuff.
And my kids! No, no, no.
Look, I was there in the 1960s. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, baby. But that was forty-plus years ago. I’m way more modest now.
So I need your help. With a reader’s objectivity, maybe you can help me finish the problematic paragraph.
Here’s the setup: it’s New Year’s eve at a hotsy-totsy party in Savannah. Karen is drinking, dancing, and responding to the flirtations of a media mogul. She’s 50, and he’s a bit older, a bazillionaire who holds the keys to her professional future. Anyway, I need help with the last sentence:
“…he tipped her chin up and kissed her, exploring her mouth with his tongue. She felt the heat begin, from her breasts, to her belly, to below.”
The word below is what got the girls all rowdy. They said it sounded Victorian, and I needed to be much more graphic. Then they started shouting out examples, which got progressively more outlandish and amusing, as my face got redder and redder, per Mary Jane who was sitting next to me. I swear to God, I refuse to include wet panties or furry mound in this book, and probably any other that I write.
But something more than below. I admit, it’s weak. Any ideas? Maybe you can come up with something.
Just scribble your ideas in the comments below, and thanks, you sexy things.
(PS: if you saw another post this morning about inconveniencing others, I auto-published a draft post by mistake. That’s set for next week. Sorry!)
.
……… ………….
I was so turned off about the hoopla about “Fifty Shades of Gray” and it made me cringe for any innocent girl out there who thinks that this was passion or love making. It will do damage to the female youth who don’t know better. Anyway, i prefer the soft suggestion of sexual excitement not the graphic. Sexuality is very individual and private and I have come to understand it as being spiritual, too. When we share such intimacy it entangles us in special ways. Well, this is from one woman’s point of view i guess.
Linda Smith Hoggan nails it for me ( see her comment) — she writes about the alliteration (breasts, belly, and below) and i agree with her on the tongue thing. I am all for beautiful juicy kisses, exploring lips and passionate lovemaking, but a tongue poking around in my mouth (French kissing) is just not my thing, ever. I love that you are asking your readership about this, it is so cool!
Did a guy weigh in yet? If so, I didn’t read it. Point me there. Meanwhile, as an old guy I like feelings more than graphic sex. As an old guy I like it best when my partner shows she understands me. I am reading Trollope’s Can You Forgive Her?, the first of the Pallister series. In this book women are realizing that they don’t have to marry, and for sure not for only money or something arranged or expected. They actually want to love the guy. All of this I find as a turn on. Not to say that it would do it if I was asked for a sperm sample. This needs a flesh sighting. I think which part of the flesh is individual preference. Waist down my preference is the back side, waist up I prefer the front. I thought Constance’s rewrite difficult to improve upon. Last but not least if I found my mother had written a pornographic novel I would really be pissed as she was pure prude from whom I learned nothing about sex. Heck, she preferred I date those who were smartest. Hot had nothing to do with it. Fortunately providence led me to both.
Bob, no, you are the first. And I wanted the old guy response because I write for old guys/girls. So your comment is very helpful and entertaining. Also, I am happy for you in the benevolence shown by providence.
Want to add some humor? How long has it been since she’s had sex? You could write: The heat began at her breasts, then surged to her belly, and ended in an erotic hot flash she hadn’t experienced in years. (Something like that.)
B y the way, my writing group has been on a campaign to avoid using “she felt” and “he heard,” etc., but instead to show the feeling or sound.
Sandy, that would work great if she hadn’t just been with a guy a few months ago. But thanks!
I read an article about “viewpoint intrusion” at one time, and it was about what your group is onto. But sometimes I forget.
In the same vein, I’d like to get all writing groups on campaigns to forbid the use of eye rolling and blowing out breaths 🙂
I actually kind of like it the way you originally wrote it. Leaves it up to the imagination of the individual reader. But I also like Constance’s suggestion. Sorry I’m no help – too much Catholic school!
Lana, me, too! through 8th grade. I can’t help feeling that too much detail cheapens it.
I agree with Constances analogy. It says it all without saying it all. LOL
Kathleen, I loved what Constance said, and I am going to use it.
he tipped her chin up and kissed her, exploring her mouth with his tongue. She felt the heat begin, from her breasts, to her belly, to her soul.
Constance! That’s beautiful! Do you write? I’d love to see what other great ideas you have. That is just beautiful. Thank you.
I think Constance has nailed it. I’m not a big fan of graphic sex scenes, much better to leave a little to the imagination. Good luck!
Oh, she did! I was so excited when I read that that I about dropped my tea. She totally nailed it. I sent her a thank you via email. What fun!
My mother wrote a novel in 1987 which I discovered after her death. In it were two very explicit sex scenes. It was strange to discover how proficient my mother may have been in the bedroom. I attempted to edit the manuscript for publication, but none of my proofreader friends are willing to look at it because of the sex scenes.
Ah, God, my worst nightmare. I don’t want my kids to know that much about me. But what a story, Andrea.
Personally, I like the alliteration of breasts … belly … below. It’s the exploring tongue I have a problem with (gross) – thus highlighting the difficulty with writing sexy scenes, because one person’s erotic is another person’s ewww. I guess in the end you do have to please yourself. Save the furry mounds for drinks with the girls (and if you’re writing for a young audience, leave them out altogether; nothing seems to sicken the younger generation more than – gasp! – pubic hair.)
I liked that alliteration, too. But your friend Hong-My says I need to go, er, deeper.
I thought of “core,” but how about “foundation,” to relate her body to a building?
Donna, thanks, but it reminds me of “foundation garments.” Dang. Still working!
I know! I couldn’t write love scenes without making jokes–which some guys frown upon.
Oh, humor would definitely improve it!
I always feel it’s too easy to parody sex scenes so they are hard for me.
“….on and to the core of….” is what came to mind but then I started thinking “parody” as in “molten core” and it all fell apart. If it were my scene I would try to avoid those trite things but I can’t figure it out on the fly. Probably why I don’t write sex scenes any more. I could write porn, though, because you can be trite! LOL
Carol, it would be easy for me if nobody knew I wrote it!
Lynne,
I also don’t like to write sex scenes. But I remind myself that it all happens between the ears not below. I think a racing heartbeat, shortened breath and strange feelings ‘below’ are enough to give your readers the idea of how the woman is feeling. Leave enough to the imagination that each reader will have the scene painted perfectly in their own ‘mindseye.’
Good luck.
Denis
I had to laugh at this but unfortunately I am the same way. I just can’t wrap my mind around graphic. I can read it but I can’t write it!
Rena, you’re a big help. 😉
For a woman who’s said to screw convention and is going gray, I’d leave it with what YOU are comfortable with. If you want to say below, say below. I read a lot of romance and some are pretty graphic and for others, it ends right where you have it. They might have breakfast together the next day, but that’s up to the reader to fill in the blanks. And not every reader wants a more graphic description.
Yes, you could say “groin” or “crotch” or even “thighs”, but I’d leave it with what you want. You might get more comfortable with it later. Everything is a growing and learning process.
This book helped me when I was considering doing something more daring (but decided not to). It’s called how to be a Sex Writing Strumpet by Stacia Kane (in case the link doesn’t work).
http://amzn.com/1456494821
Nancy
What a great title, Nancy. I’ll check it out. And thanks for the confidence boost.