Got your coffee? Here’s the “news” from Salon.com:
WOMEN OVER 50 ARE INVISIBLE
Rampant ageism and sexism have left women of a certain age virtually powerless in American society
Virtually powerless? Holy crap. I had no idea we were in this much trouble.
But first, great news!
Jane Friedman
I tweeted about the above article, and Jane Friedman responded. We’d met briefly before, when she was at Writer’s Digest Magazine. Jane is now a top editor at the Virginia Quarterly Review, and a renowned publishing and media expert.
Turns out, she was bugged by this, too. We agreed to do a tandem blog – she would address the under-fifty perspective, and I – since today is my 59th birthday – the over-fifty. I know you’ll find her POV extremely interesting. Mine will probably be better, because I’m older, but as soon as the whippersnapper gets a few more wrinkles, she’ll be all right.
Okay, back to the article. The author, Tira Harpaz, is an accomplished woman. Yet, she feels invisible, and thinks we are, too. Her comments below describe the pain she’s feeling.
- “It hits you in areas where you feel most vulnerable–a loss of attractiveness and sex appeal, the end of fertility, a glimpse of a slow, lingering decline.”
- “People I met at parties would look slightly disappointed and then look past me, and gradually, I began to shrink inside.”
- “As I eased into the row, the 30-something man sitting in the window seat glanced up at me. It was a brief glance, but it conveyed disappointment and complete disinterest.”
- “When the radiologist no longer asks if there’s any chance you’re pregnant. When the cashier at the movie theater, glancing indifferently at your gray roots, suggests you might want the senior discount, years before you might qualify. When people in the subway don’t really look at you as they politely offer you a seat.”
As much as I disagree with Harpaz, she’s not alone. You’ve heard it yourself. Maybe even felt it. However, today, I’m going to suggest an alternate explanation, one that might set you free. Sort of.
I think invisibility isn’t about age. It’s about gender. It’s about being female.
Let me make my argument. From the time we’re old enough to raise our hands in a classroom, we’re ignored in favor of the boys (Altermatt, Jovanovic, & Perry, 1998). While boys often speak out of turn and assert themselves, little girls sit back, waiting for the teacher to call on them.
Invisible.
Per Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, school children were asked to perform a small task and then pay themselves what they thought they deserved. (First graders were asked to award themselves Hershey’s Kisses.) In first, fourth, seventh and tenth grades, girls consistently paid themselves 30% – 78% less than boys.
Invisible.
In her new book, Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg laments how young, professional women discount themselves, from second-guessing their readiness for promotion to declining an offer to sit at the table with the decision-makers.
Invisible.
So it seems we don’t think that much of ourselves in the first place. Meanwhile, men, who occupy 96% of the top CEO jobs and 80% of Congress, don’t notice us unless we radiate fertility.
And then that goes away.
Whether it’s gender or age, women can change the culture, and they can start today. For more on this, read the excellent In the Company of Women – Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop, by Drs. Pat Heim and Susan Murphy. They cite research showing that women hang back, out of fear that other women will punish them if they act like they’re special. The authors call this the Power Dead-Even Rule, and it’s pretty chilling. You can read a summary of the most important points here.
We older women should model powerful behavior for our girls, and encourage them as if their futures depended on it. If I were counseling younger women, I’d say stop waiting for an invitation. Grab the reins and demonstrate your presence. Older women: You were raised to be nice, and to put others first. Are you still waiting for permission to live? Stop right now. Take off your shoes and walk on the lawn.
Finally, all of us need to support, rather than snipe at, powerful, amazing, barrier-busting women.
Sexism exists. So does ageism. (For proof, reread Ms. Harpaz’ statements, above). But if you feel as I do, you might agree that invisibility is a choice. And as for me? I choose to resist.
What do you think? Is this invisibility real, and if so, do you think it’s because of gender or age? Let me hear from you.
PS: Blogging with Jane is the best birthday present ever! Be sure to check out her post here.
Well, the upside of perceived invisibility, is feeling free to be the best of yourself on your own terms. Easy said than done of course.
As long as we can speak, write and read, we still have a voice.
In the cycling world, alot of women are returning to cycling often in their middle to senior years. I belong to an international forum of women cyclists. At least over half of us (several hundred) are over 40. I’m 54. I became visible (without revealing my age) by my employer for being car free for last 3 decades, cycling for last 22 yrs. It surprised alot of people.
We could surprise others..if we only looked at ourselves….and learn how to market on the right things about ourselves. No one else will do it for us. (I submitted that cycling profile to our internal communications dept.) But choose the most vital, active parts of yourself. Everyone has this facet.
Excellent post, thanks. “Invisibility” is a result of social forces—both ageism and sexism—in the culture around us, and they’re bigger than any one of us. We can choose how to respond to them, though, and we can work to challenge and change the culture—as you are doing. Thanks.
Ashton,
Thanks, Ashton. That aspect of choice is what I think is so fascinating. We don’t always know we have one.
Happy Sunday.
Lynne, Happy Belated Birthday you share it with my 33yr old baby, so yes I’m also “of a certain age” and I agree with all the statements you made to a certain degree. I think you could substitute any age, race, sex and find truths. Personally I think invisibility isn’t about age, sex or race it’s about how you deal with it personally. I feel less invisible now than I ever did, I’m more socially in-person as well as e-active. I have tons more friends than when my social group only included my sisters, moms of my daughter’s friends, wives of my husbands friend’s and one or two friends who happened to follow from earlier in my life. Now I engage with people of all ages, races and both sexes and yes I have to agree it’s mostly on-line but I also sit on the board of my library district and moderate more than one in-person book club. Don’t get me wrong I do hate the inequalities between sexes and races but we’re not discussing that here.
Deb
Deb, you exemplify what’s great about having the new technology available to us. You’re reaching out, interacting, curating (as Guy Kawasaki preaches) and bringing value to your contacts. You’re like a radio station manager or a newspaper publisher now! Internet or not, nobody could call you invisible, and that’s a choice. I pretty much don’t want to tell anybody what choice to make, except that whatever choice they DO make, it should be with their whole consciousness. Thanks for proving that true.
Hi Lynne! First, I’m so happy you got to spend your special day yesterday being highly VISIBLE & building your simpatico bond with Jane. I don’t remember anymore how I first found you online but I’m so glad I did – you’re always provoking (& poking around) my thoughts. Love when I get an Any Shiny Thing email. Thank you!
I have felt visible & invisible on & off throughout my life – awkward-looking kid, then got curves at 15; stay-at-home/work-at-home mom & then published 2 books in my 30’s; divorced (when “friends” scatter) & then remarried in my 40’s; laid off at 50 & then …. ??? still trying to dig my way through the tunnel into visibility these days. I’ve had my 15-minutes-of-fame days and my living-underground days, and I think it’s more of a personality/ambition/attitude/self-awareness thing than anything else. Depends on what’s going on in your head & heart at any given stage of your life. I mean, wasn’t Geraldine Ferraro just about 50 when she became visible to the nation back in the day? Or let’s think of a fictional character – like Mame – could a personality like that ever be invisible? For someone like me – an introvert by default – it takes a real effort to be visible so I’ve got to have some type of mission to guide me.
Sometimes I really wish I could find one of those Harry-Potter-like invisible cloaks to disappear for awhile from everyone until I figure out what I want my 50’s to look like. For me, that’s going to be about finding a new purpose. I have this saying hanging on my home office wall, “A life with purpose is the purpose of life.” Corny, I know, but at least it reminds me of what I’m aiming for. And truth be told, if I really wanted to stay invisible until I figure it all out, I wouldn’t be responding to your blog, right? LOL. I guess I need a little help from some new friends…
Wow, Lisa, you’ve been through so much! On the plus side, I’m pretty sure that’s taught you some powerful tactics for getting through the tough, scary, uncertain times. Also that you have done it, and you can do it again, whatever it is. My first concern is always to be able to eat and keep a roof over my head. And health insurance. Once I’ve got that down, I can move up Maslow’s hierarchy to more lofty things, like finding my purpose. A brilliant scientist, who does not believe in God, and whose name escapes me, said she believes her purpose in life is to be of service and have fun. Tim Ferriss says you only need to figure out what excites you and then do that. So don’t try too hard to seek a purpose. You’re not here to be a servant, only to not waste the gift of being alive. Maybe that adds up to sitting out on the patio with a glass of wine and a grateful heart. Hmmm. Sounds good. Think I’ll try that directly.
Last night I was quite depressed. I had no good reason. I took a bath, and that helped to the extent that I got an idea: I would journal my thoughts. So I put on my jammies, propped myself up in bed with a fat new tablet and a pen, and wrote for an hour. At the end of the hour I had figured some stuff out, shed some nasty emotions, and gained a sense of gratitude again. I cooked up a strategy for the next few weeks. Can’t believe how much happier I was! Something as simple as that.
Don’t know if that helps, but thank you for your kind words. Best wishes!
Happy Birthday, dear friend! I’m with you all the way on the renewal/reinvention that has accompanied my aging process. I am busier and happier than ever. I do agree invisibility is a choice and the better we feel about ourselves the more likely we are to not allow it. What a fascinating tandem discussion between you and Jane.Congratulations! Great post.
Thanks, Kathy! Didn’t it bring back memories of that Editors’ Intensive in Cincy, where we met? A lucky day for us.
Oh my gosh, yes, Lynne. It started in the lunch line when you asked me to listen to your practice pitch. As you rushed off to catch your cab,suitcase in hand, on the last day,I shouted another suggestion from the lobby and we’ve been a connected ever since..empowered, loving life and visible!! And look at Jane go. What a thrill 🙂
Hey, I was in Cincinnati at an WD Editor’s Intensive in 2010; its where I met Jane… are you talking about the same? Your’s and krpooler’s photos do look familiar 🙂
Adrienne, same deal, wrong year! I think we were there in 2009?
I totally agree that invisibility is a choice. At this age, I know that I’m often the most expert person in the room. I am no longer the hottest. Know what? I’ll take “most expert” any day. But I will say that if Harpaz isn’t eligible for senior discounts, then she really could do something about those roots and quit complaining.
Hi Kristen! I wanted to harpoon Harpaz over her lack of frugality. I’ve been lying about my age for years, getting the senior discount at movies before I’m eligible. I’ll sell my ego down the river for a $2 discount.
I think you did a right turn on me. I was interested in something on ageism and you turned it into an article about sexism. What you had to say about sexism is true, but you abandoned the original subject which is what I wanted to read more about.
Right, I did, Kelly. Because I don’t think the post-50 “invisibility” is about ageism; that was my point. But I don’t want you to feel disappointed. I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years about issues best described as ageism-related, though, so if you click through any of the past posts, I think you’ll find relief. Here are a couple of the most popular: https://anyshinything.com/2013/03/01/is-aging-bad/ and https://anyshinything.com/2012/11/30/oprah-to-boomers-drop-dead/
I hope that helps. Thanks for stopping by.
Great point! While there is agism, sexism and even shortism (smile) , what we perceive to be the cause is often just one of many variables. Cheers for Elinor Roosevelt and her quote “the only one who can make you feel inferior is yourself”. The same could be said about invisibility and most everything else. .
What I take from your blog/comments and observations of others is it may well be our own awareness of the world around us heightens with age and not that our being older has created some new dynamic in how others perceive us.
Between the demands and expectations of life, we don’t pause very much for a good many years and we often “just do what we do”. Finally in our fifties or thereabouts, we take a breath. We challenge things perhaps more than we ever have done. Particularly women in the second stage of life. I’ve seen it attributed to everything from the change in roles at this point; the change in our programming/hormonal composition as we view life differently. maybe that’s why they call it “menepause”. Where I have found men to grow more dependent with age, more status quo, I find women tending to develop their “weezer” self (steel magnolias) or fade out completely.
Take home point is before I didn’t realize I was somewhat invisible. When it hit me, I was taken aback/surprised/whatever. At that point, it became my choice. Less about my external actions because then I’m just playing to the crowd which I’ve done all my life. Which is people pleasing, something females tend to do more often than not. Instead its my internal. I choose not to be invisible and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or if they see me. I control my own dynamic. Now I’ll repeat that 100 times and it will be true. 🙂
Especially love your last paragraph, Tricia. And the last sentence left me smiling, because so much of this is based on will. And the much-touted mindfulness. As Anais Nin said, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
I’m reminded of a question I asked when pursuing my masters at age 52. (I had finished my undergrad thirty years prior to that, raised a family & done mostly volunteer or “whim” working) I asked the department head, a petite woman about 6 years my senior , if my age would handicap my employment chances. She responded with a deadly serious expression “Your age will be less a factor than your size.” (I’m also a very small-boned 4′ 11″) .
So the TRIPLE whammy – female, now 60 and little. I never really thought about it before as I’ve always been a noisy personality, but the older I get, the more I realize that I do slip under the radar & it has either increased with age or I have just become more aware of it as I become less naive. It has its pluses & minuses.
Since I also became aware that then and even now , most male attention/recognition is based on the desire to assess /access one’s reproductive organs minus the subsequent baggage that might occur, I’m not sure that I even care. Maybe invisibility on one’s own terms is pretty cool!
Happy Birthday! Girls rule/Guys suck. LOL I hate cliches……………….
Tricia, I agree that so much of this “invisibility” problem is related to the perception of sexual attractiveness. So like my friend Donna says, I’m glad I shopped early. However, there are other reasons we need to stay visible, as she points out in her excellent post here: http://www.rockthesilver.com/rock_the_silver/2012/12/visibility-is-a-choice.html. Thanks for the HB wishes.
We live in a society that socializes women to take a back seat. It was traditionally considered “unfeminine” for women to take an aggressive stance. We also live in a society that reveres youth. It is up to us older women to take a stance and model new behaviors for the younger women coming up. It is gradually happening. I personally choose not to be invisible at age 62.
Laura
Hi Laura, me neither, unless I feel like it. And then I can, to the people who are so limited that they risk discounting me. Then I get to be like a spy! Observing all, undetected.
Happy Birthday Lynne…great blogs by both of you. Invisible is right! Even with all the gains made through the implementation of Title IX, things are still not equal. Just look at which gender is gets the most media coverage. Part of the reason I continue to coach girls in sports is because they learn to star in their own show empowered by physical fitness is and teamwork.
God bless you for that, Pat. I’m so behind Sheryl Sandberg’s efforts to help girls compete, also. She should know about you.
What a great topic. I really enjoyed reading both blog posts and the comments. Invisibility, like so many things in life, is a choice. And I agree that those who don’t see you, don’t matter much. Seems they’re coming from a shallow place anyway.
And happy birthday! My 56th is next week – isn’t life grand?
It IS grand, Barb! Except when it isn’t, and then, thanks to our greater resilience and wisdom, we soldier on until it becomes grand again. Happy birthday, Sis!
At 55, I’m not feeling the least bit invisible! I look to the fabulous Hank Phillippi Ryan and am inspired with the thought that I, too, can be even more fabulous as I age. I find the 50s to be invigorating and empowering!
Fantastic, Hana! That’s how we should feel. This blog is all about finding the power, joy and beauty of all the years during midlife and beyond. There’s so much to celebrate! Thanks for reminding us. And about HPR, also.
Okay, here are my 2 cents on the invisibility thing. I don’t think women should buy into the idea at all. As a student and then a teacher for 28 years, I don’t remember girls in school being timid about raising their hands to answer questions. The boys were more reticent – more likely to act out in class, but certainly not as likely to raise their hands and offer an intelligent comment. What is this myth we’re building?
If you want to talk invisibility, consider women in Saudi Arabia never allowed out of the house without “covering” completely. American women are the majority in universities now; more have advanced degrees than men, and it looks like women will soon be the majority in the “professional” work place.
In fact, the whole “invisibility” concept makes me angry. I wonder if we should even give it lip service. You’re only invisible if you buy into it. Maybe women don’t understand how many men are attracted to older women. Never in my life did I date a man older than me. My second husband was 12 years younger, the man I lived with when I taught in Egypt, and who was probably the love of my life – ten years younger.
And as you get older, invisibility (if there is such a thing) can be a gift. This is a time when the kids are raised, career over or changed to what you really want to do, and now you have your life back. And some of us just don’t want to bother with a man, at least not on a daily basis. We’re busy pursuing whatever interests we put off until now – and loving it, wallowing in the peace and quiet, owning our own homes, traveling when and where we want. And if we go about living with PURPOSE, luxuriating in our lovely cloaks of “invisibility,” it shows. It’s in the way we carry ourselves. “That woman is on a mission. I’d like to get to know her.”
At 65 I still get looks, if I bother to notice. But now if I glance back, it’s the men who have become invisible.
Hey, Kathryn,
You get looks because you dress nicely, have a nice figure, great posture, and an inquisitive mind. You’re hungry for life, and it shows. The study I cited about girls not raising their hands referred to elementary school, but as to secondary I defer to your experience. My main point in raising this topic is to shout, “Don’t accept anything mindlessly! If you want to be visible, take that into your own hands. If you enjoy being less visible, do that. But be aware. Of your own power, your ability to make changes, your ability to shape your life.” Thanks for your thoughtful (and passionate) comment. I feel stronger just listening to you.
Happy B-day, Lynne! I suspect there’s a bit of truth in BOTH your and Jane’s opinions — great idea for a joint blog, by the way. Invisibility seems to occur because of gender and age; it also seems to occur with achievement and money. How often, for example, do people take notice of the homeless guy, or the down-on-his-luck, poor guy? Perhaps, too, invisibility occurs because there’s just so darn many people now. For example, if you’re the only blonde in the room, you’ll never be invisible; if everyone around you has blonde hair, you fade right in! I think if you want to be invisible, you should surround yourself with peeps just like you. For some, invisibility is a crutch; for others, it’s a curse. Sometimes I rather like being invisible, but for those times I don’t, it’s up to me to come out from behind the curtain!
Thanks, Debbie! I like your observations, and it boils down to this, for me: be aware of who you are/what you need, and act accordingly. Don’t be limited by what you see as societal rules or judgment. Thanks for weighing in.
I remember being confused when my mom expressed her frustration at becoming “a nobody” when she retired from teaching school, where she had been highly successful. I was confused because my mom, after retirement, became, if anything, more visible and relevant to people around her than ever before.
She wrote newspaper articles, a weekly column in a Seniors magazine, published numerous poems and short stories, and chaired a regional writers conference with writers from around the world in attendance. She was sought out by many people of influence within her political party and the teacher’s union, for advice and support for various campaigns.
Honestly, as her son, and as one of her five children in my thirties at the time, I was astonished to discover that she suffered from acute depression at becoming invisible, despite her obvious accomplishments. She had never, in my experience, been a person whose appearance would have attracted undue notice, as she neither unattractive nor a fashion plate. Instead it was her intellect, her focus and intensity, and her powerful connection with people, one on one, that marked her out in a crowd.
But I’m now rapidly approaching sixty myself, and increasingly observe that older people, in general, and older women, in particular, seem to be discounted or even invisible, despite whatever they have to contribute. The comments of the writer and the respondents to the blog clearly make the point… we have a choice, to be invisible, or not. Despite this point, relevance and visible importance are sometimes tough to achieve in a world of young people who are ready to dismiss their elders as “fuddy duddies” and their opinions as outdated and/or irrelevant.
My mom seemed to find a solution that worked for her, she committed herself even more fully to her passions in life, her family, her writing and her political causes. I don’t think she ever felt that it fully compensated for sexism or ageism, but it certainly helped. In addition it kept her so busy she seldom stopped long enough to notice.
Donald, you make some very good points. Thanks for commenting. It strikes me that your mom seemed to be going through what we used to think of as a man’s problem, at retirement from a satisfying career: loss of a sense of importance, or relevance within a community. Luckily, your mom was sharp enough to find alternate ways to gain that satisfaction. When I retired from my corporate job, I had to do it in stages, to allow my ego to let go. I went to part-time, then consulting, then – poof! – I gave it up completely. I had to accept that I was not my job. I wrote about it in last week’s post.
But this negation of elders is a logical outcome of our society’s worship of youth. In another forum, one exasperated youth even chortled that we Boomers are getting what we deserve, since we started this whole drive to negate elders. (“Don’t trust anyone over thirty.” Remember?)
So we can do three things (off the top of my head). 1. Accept that we’re old and pointless, and live the rest of our lives in a sad, bitter state. 2. Decide that relevance doesn’t come from externalities, but rather from an inner knowledge that we matter (even if our beneficiaries are oblivious). 3. Change the system. I like 2 & 3 in combo.
Thanks for stopping by.
…don’t notice us unless we radiate fertility. Sounds like at some level (DNA) natural selection is at play? I once read that the first half of life belongs to biology–the second half you are at choice.
Though provoking piece; thanks for writing it.
Patrick Roden
aginginplace.com
Patrick, I absolutely believe biology is in play. In fact, in one of the books I cited, “In the Company of Women…” the authors make the point that we have to rise above DNA/biology/hard-wiring, because we’re not even aware that we’re being motivated by those drives. But knowing that, we can compensate for it.
I totally relate to the invisibility, I was that girl who never raised her hand. It’s actually nice to read that I wasn’t the only one! There was a song “I’m invisible” about women. I heard it on KPIG in California, years ago. I searched the web and cannot find the song, or the singer/songwriter (female) anymore. Perhaps someone remembers that song, please post!
I’ll look for it – maybe on YouTube?
I’m so glad you wrote this, I have been looking forward to 50 for a long time (I’ve got 2 years to go.) I spent many of my formative years in Paris where 50 year old women date 20 year old men and so I’ve seen how feminine power can ripen with age.
That said, I’ve also lived in South Asia now for 12 years and have been invisible the entire time.
So I think it’s very much a cultural issue. And though I do agree that we women need to (and can) take up our own power by supporting each other, unfortunately, we still live in a paradigm ruled by men.
Thanks so much for sharing this. Happy Birthday!
Kim
Thanks, Kim! And I think you’re 100% right that it’s cultural. In America, for example, I think men are judged on the appearance of power (usually represented by $$) and women by the appearance of fertility. But does that have to continue? We women can set the table any way we choose. If we can’t meet the fertility standard, let’s change the standard! Power is a beautiful thing, unless it’s wasted. And speaking as an older gal, I don’t want the kids to go thru the same issues. That’s part of the reason I’m doing this blog!
I’m so happy to find this discussion. Thank you, Jane. When I lost my banking job in 2008, I was 56. I took advantage and morphed into the creative I always wanted to be. Off to charity went the corporate clothes, shoes and accessories, and while learning the art of crafting fiction I embarked on rediscovering my own style. Yet, I still choose clothes and apply make up and style my hair and jewelry… to fit in, to give a certain impression, to look ‘prettier’ to my man? I don’t know. It is a consciousness of self that I wish to modify. Internal pressure and cues influenced by the bias of media and society. Could turn out that I just need therapy, but the discussion is important. It may take a generation or two of influencing our daughters the right way. This kind of discussion is where I find internet connectivity most powerful. Our daughters are already profoundly better informed as young mothers…
Happy Birthday Lynne!
Thanks, Adrienne! And ditto your points about internet connectivity, and teaching our daughters.
For sure, ageism and sexism do exist, a lot of which is promulgated by the emphasis of the media on youth and beauty as well as how we all, as children, absorbed the cultural dictates of what it means to be female or male. However, in my opinion, a lot of it depends on the shallowness of the person doing the judging of the invisibility, as well as the insecurities of the person being judged. Speaking as a female in her middle 60’s, I have to say I now feel more powerful than ever and even less concerned about what others think of me. That wasn’t always true, but I’ve found it gets easier with age. I’ve learned that what matters most is what I think about myself. If I perceive myself as intelligent, competent, and satisfied with my appearance, then it’s not that important what the rest of the world thinks. I am inclined to believe that if you radiate this presence, many of those you come in contact with will see you in the same way.
Happy Birthday, Lynne!
Thanks, Shirley! And may I say, I feel like printing out your comment and hanging it on my wall. So much frickin’ wisdom!! The part about the shallowness; the aspect of insecurity; the fact of power with age – a benefit of age which gets so little airtime, and that is often patronizing. Relevance is internal, I believe. If we’re not happy with ourselves, nobody else can fix that.
Happy Birthday! I am facing the big 6-0 in two weeks and yes, I agree that midlifers are often invisible. We need to believe that we are still relevant in a youth-obsessed world and have many more contributions to make. Pep talk, anyone?
Helene, the perception of relevancy is internal. Be relevant, and believe! And happy birthday 2 weeks early.
You hit the nail on the head. It is a choice, and I had this sudden revelation as I read. NOW I understand why my grandfather, in his 80’s and 90’s, used to fly into rages when he thought he was being ignored. He wasn’t a crotchety old man, he was making a choice.
Jessica, my mom will be 88 in June. She is 4’11” and uses a cane but is NOT invisible. She drives a little red car, wears jewelry every day, goes to exercise classes 3 days a week, and stays up with world events. If somebody tries to ignore her (and damn, I’ve seen them try) she speaks up. “ExCUSE me,” she’ll say with mock politeness. “I asked you a QUESTION.” And they snap to.
Thanks for stopping by.
Happy birthday! would it be helpful or not to say that when I read barrier busting women, I had to go back and reread. My male eyes saw something different at first. Did Lynn really say what I think she did? On second reading you did not. Even if you do think this is helpful, I am several years older than you the writer. And, as a male, invisibility for me is not frowned upon. I just wish those thirty and under would stop with the detailed directions. I feel like they are helping me across the street.
Bob, thanks for the birthday wishes. And at least those kids are helpful. BTW, you write in a voice that reminds me of Roger Rosenblatt. Very enjoyable.
I agree with you that gender plays a huge factor, although I also believe that ageism exists and intersects with sexism – there is an invisibility inherent in how rarely we see depictions of people over 40 or 50 in film, TV, books, and magazines that reflects and perpetuates an age-based societal bias against people of all genders.
As for how it intersects with sexism, I think you’ve got your finger on it when you point to the link between age and reproductive viability. Women are undervalued in our society, and despite the massive strides made in the last 100 years towards equality, in many arenas women are seen as valuable primarily for their roles as wives and mothers – the recent obituary of Yvonne Brill, a leading rocket scientist (or, as the Times painted her, a domestic housewife and “also a brilliant rocket scientist”), is a good example of that. I think men over 50 are also less visible than younger men, but to a smaller degree because for centuries their worth has been measured by factors other than reproduction – by their public roles and career success, many of which are attained later in life.
I agree with you that we can choose to focus on and develop other areas of our lives (and that focusing on the appearance and reproductive viability that society tells us determines our worth is only buying into an oppressive regime), and I really like what you have to say about modeling powerful older womanhood so that women and girls of all ages are empowered to feel more visible and equal. But I fear there’s a danger in calling this invisibility a choice in that it ignores or denies that there is a system in place which dis-empowers women and older people. Women should certainly make the choice to act empowered and to assert their own value in the face of being devalued, but people of all genders should also be working together to actively dismantle a sexist and ageist system.
Rachel, oh, that Brill obit got people riled, didn’t it! And rightly so. But as to the rest of your commentary, I was about to respond, but the best response would be to agree with the essence of your last paragraph. You’ve put it into better words than I did, especially the last sentence. Thank you.
I’m 54 and seem to be experiencing a renaissance of sorts. I’m hoping this means the start of many wise-crone years.
My experience of visibility/invisibility is that it has been there all along–but I’ve always called it a tendency to be underestimated. Outwardly, this has advantages–it imparts a kind of stealth super-power–but underestimating oneself is all too easy and is both insidious and harmful.
Lisa, you are wise beyond your years. Renaissance – YES! Stealth – YES! Danger of underestimation – YES! I am so with you on all of this. Thanks for stopping by.
As someone a little bit older than you (happy birthday!), I can certainly relate to this.
I reinvented myself (again) at the age of 57 into a writer. It was unplanned and unexpected, but it happened and it’s too late now.
Sometimes we do things to deliberately make ourselves invisible. Have you ever seen “Soapdish” with Sally Field? She’s a soap opera diva who can make herself invisible and visible to her fans in a shopping mall. How we dress, walk, talk: all of it can be used to make ourselves disappear in plain view.
The thing I find interesting about being my age is that I’m surrounded by people 20 years younger. I could be their mother.
My mom has always said she didn’t want to live in a retirement community “with a lot of old people”. It wasn’t their age she objected to, but their attitudes: they acted old. I totally get that now.
My 18-year old daughter has seen me change a lot these past few years, but she’s grown up with a mother who was always self-employed, involved in causes that are important to her, engaged in the world around her. We owe it to younger women to show them what’s possible – at any age.
Victoria Noe
Victoria, congrats on the reinvention. You’re an inspiration! Some thoughts on your comment: I get the “I could be their mother” thing but I try not to think about it. I have friends who are in their 80s and lat 20s. We’re lucky to live long lives. That’s fascinating about Soapdish. I’m going to rent it to see what you mean. Last thought: I live in a 55+ community and I can’t keep up with most of them!
Love this. And I think it’s important that we speak out about it. We’re bombarded with the message that appearance is all (and I don’t even watch TV!). Even I occasionally go out and splurge on make up that only makes the people who love me go “ew, you don’t look like yourself!”, or go on a diet so I can look like I did in my 20s. But I really don’t care about those things and can’t make them stick because there are so many other interesting things I could do with my time and energy.
Posts like yours make me remember that that’s more-than-OK. Brava to you and Jane!
The most attractive people I’ve ever known are the ones with a ready smile and a lively curiosity about the world and the people they’re with at that moment.
Thanks, Julie! It takes a bit of guts to live life on your own terms, but I don’t want to lie on my deathbed thinking, “Thank God I followed all the rules.” Brava to you as well!
I really think it’s age, not gender, that makes us invisible. I think younger people react to all older people, men or women, with equal disregard. We did the same thing, when we were in our twenties and thirties. Happy Birthday, Lynne! You’re look good (and, no, I’m not going to say “for your age”!)
Thanks, Lynn! And you are right about the young people. Up to a certain age we don’t notice anyone but ourselves (and that cute guy!)
Hear, hear! Invisibility is a choice, not a fact. Wonderful post, Lynne.
Thanks, Jane. I like the power in those words. We can choose! I’m going over to your post now. Thanks again for doing this with me!
I grew up invisible…so I was accustomed to the feeling when I eased into mid life. I had a girlfriend who is about 12 years older than me…she used to say (before I could appreciate what she meant) middle aged women make the best spies because we are virtually invisible. I am having the feeling now, however, since I began blogging that, VIRTUALLY, we are anything but invisible! Great Post and very worthy of discussion!
Barbara, I love being 59! I was cute when I was young, and I got ogled. Hated it. Felt like I couldn’t move freely. Now I can, and I love it.
Happy Birthday!! And I’m with you all the way…
Thanks, Mimi!