A few years ago, when my dad died, my family blew up. My mother made a decision regarding life support, and a sibling panicked. In fear and desperation this sibling repeatedly attacked the rest of the family over the course of the next year and a half, then dodged responsibility for the destruction, and now has become almost completely estranged, even moving to another state.
I know I should forgive this person, because everything you hear about not forgiving is bad. Selfishly, it would probably be healthy for me to do so. I even wondered if I might have gotten sick from harboring this caustic anger. Stupid thought, I know. It’s just biology, chemistry, genetics. But you wonder if there’s a connection, because I have been the angriest of all of my family.
However, when I consider forgiveness (which, I should point out, has not been requested by this abuser), I feel like I’m on the verge of slipping backwards, to the bad old days. To forgive would be an act of self-negation.
Let me explain. For most of my life, I put up with – indeed, took care of and nurtured – mean and abusive people. It’s what I learned, growing up in a well-meaning but misguided family. I was taught to try to see the good in everyone, to forgive, to rise above pettiness. These are high-minded standards. Throw in a lot of Catholic-style guilt and you have a pretty good recipe for becoming a door mat. I grew up thinking that if you had a sadness or heartache or tragedy in your life, hell, that was practically a claim ticket that you could bring to my door and cash in for nurturing, love, and monetary support!
Around the time I turned forty, due to maturation and the love of a good man, I started figuring out that I was as good as anybody else, and I began to value myself as much as I do others. At first it was really hard! I felt mercenary. Calculating. But I progressed, and now I’m healthy. Therefore, to accept abuse makes me feel like I’m going back to the bad old days, and rejecting all that I learned.
My Dad always said “family is everything.” I’m struggling with the thought that he may have been wrong.
I think instead that love is everything, and light, and positivity, and support, and kindness. That’s where I go these days, toward the company of those who love me and treat me well. In recent weeks I’ve clung to the love of the rest of my family, and my friends, and the people I don’t even know very well who have opened their hearts to me. I know this is what will help me heal, and I believe this is what I need for all the rest of my life.
This hit home; estranged family, recovery from the doormat syndrome, slowly moving into the light. Your words took me right to the bones of it all. Thank you Lynne for your candor. And your writing chops. 🙂
We all have several areas in our lives. Personal (our bodies and possessions), family, groups, Mankind and so forth.
None of these is always “first” or “most important.” Collapsing everthing into just one of these just doesn’t work.
Remember the “For the Children” stuff several years ago? Those would have us collapse all our efforts and viewpoints onto one subset of one life area. That just doesn’t work. It’s literally “against human nature.”
Sanity is making decisions based on an optimum solution across all these areas.
Dear Lynne
I do know your struggle, and feel your pain. As you know, my husband’s whole extended family cut me out when I creamated him. It hurt, and I will always know in my heart that it was not ok, and more importantly – I believe they will also have to know this in their hearts. Anyway – forgiving IS just for you. It helped me alot to finally understand that. You don’t even have to accept this person into your life, or even accept what he did – but you do have to forgive his actions for you – that’s it. Hold no animosity. It will not be a giving in, or make you a door mat or a back slider. It is only for your highest good that you must forgive. You do not have to offer your forgiveness face to face, either. I find it extrememly helpful to do the Ho’o ponopono prayer – just send out your finest thoughts of forgiveness to everyone and everything in the whole Universe – including yourself. I am going to try to send you an audio Ho’o ponopono meditation from my other email account. It is good. I am also offering my opinion that it is, indeed a given that harboring anger, temper, dark thoughts can foster sickness in your body – your mind helped along with the thoughts that are trickling down through your subsconscious will manifest that every time. I am in the middle of a book called: ‘The Power of your Subsconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy, and I want to recommend it to you. It’s very easy to follow and very powerful. I am currently following his recommendations regarding what I allow into my subsconscious mind from my conscious mind.
In terms of ‘family’, I had to cut out one of my brothers and my only sister because I finally realized they were just too toxic for me to continue a relationship with. And I still think that’s ok. The bottomline is when you are able to put forth good from YOU, it all goes into the One Mind of everything and makes the corrections and adjustments there. It is a pretty phenomenal process!
Be kind to you,
love,
Arlene
I have seen that family is not everything. Family members can be awesome, but they can also be down right wacky. I think that if you do what you are capable of in regard to your relationship with those wacky relatives, that is all you can be asked to do. Anything that is detrimental to your mental and physical health is not worth wasting on wacky relatives. Would you remain friends with someone who is toxic to you? No.
Some observations, Lynne, on your very personal post:
1) Feelings in themselves are neither “right” nor “wrong.” They just are.
2) I’ve always been told that, for true reconciliation to take place, the “wrong-doer” must ask for forgiveness and the one wronged must accept the apology. It’s pretty hard to forgive someone if he/she won’t admit they were in the wrong.
3) Making peace is something you must do — for yourself, if nothing else. You’re right in that health problems (physically and mentally) arise when one has buried feelings of remorse and anger.
4) My dad, too, was a true peace-maker and believed in the power of family. That’s a pretty hard pill to swallow when you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional one. Thankfully, we’ve both been able to mature past this and move on to where WE decide who’s “family” to us. And you’ve hit the nail on the head — sometimes, “family” means those people who love us, support us, and nurture us the way we need, rather than simply being bound by blood ties!