I was killing time in the San Antonio airport on Monday and I bought a book called The Happiness Project. I wish I hadn’t.
The book is subtitled “Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.” It’s by Gretchen Rubin, a well-intentioned young woman who’s afraid she’s not appreciating her wonderful life enough. So she embarks on a yearlong quest to become a better person by making up all these lists, rules, and whatnot, like her Twelve Commandments, and her Secrets of Adulthood. She also makes twelve resolutions, one per month, that she will obey over the course of a year. Here’s a sample:
- January: “Boost Energy” – subtitle “Vitality” – during which time she will: Go to sleep earlier. Exercise better. Toss, restore, organize. Tackle a nagging task. Act more energetic.
- February: “Remember Love” – subtitle “Marriage.” Action plan: Quit nagging. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. Fight right. No dumping. Give proofs of love.
- March: “Aim Higher” – subtitle “Work“- includes these action items: Launch a blog. Enjoy the fun of failure. Ask for help. Work smart. Enjoy now.
I only got partly through the first chapter. I mean, I’m a nut for self-improvement, but this is something else. Something darker. For example, in the introduction, Rubin mentions wanting to “perfect my character.”
Yet even before setting out on this quest, Rubin accomplished the following (and she is only in her late forties):
- She is a former lawyer who clerked for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
- She married the son of former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin.
- She has two young daughters.
- She has already written four books.
I guess if she draws up enough goals and objectives, rules, standards and measurements, and then works even harder than she already does every day, after a year she’ll feel more adequate happier. But in my opinion, she exemplifies the collective neurosis of modern-day women, who try so hard to be perfect overachievers. The Happiness Project is like a compilation of the headlines of every insecurity-inducing women’s magazine you’ve ever seen on the newsstands, and the chronicle of one woman’s efforts to bend herself into compliance.
And it’s a flippin’ New York Times Bestselling Book. Obviously, a lot of people are hungry for this message. (I wonder if anybody bought it with the intention of gifting it to a spouse. “Honey, d’ ya think you should maybe do the dishes by hand? Better for the environment, you know.”)
Well, whatever floats their boat. Me, I’m too old for that shit. At sixty, I don’t need to organize my closets to perfect my character. As Popeye said, “I yam what I yam.” Take it or leave it.
Oh, I was young once too, and susceptible to this anxiety. Here’s the evidence: I have thirty-plus years of journals in my garage. One day I thought I’d peruse them for all the delightful memories they no doubt contained. I thought I would read about my son’s growth and development, my wedding(s), vacations, accomplishments, friendships, and maybe even current events. Instead, I found pages and pages – months and years’ worth – of diatribes about how I was going to start a diet, get more sleep, exercise more, read more fiction, meditate, be a better mother/wife/employee…
The overall theme of those journals was that I thought if I only tried harder, I’d be happier. Now I realize the opposite was true: that if I could relax and accept myself, inadequate struggling human that I was, I would enjoy my life more.
See, around the time I turned forty-five, I realized I would never be perfect. It was humbling, but I also accepted that nobody else was, either. I now know that, while self-improvement is a wonderful goal, self-acceptance is pretty cool, too. This is a gift of maturity: that you know this now.
So I say to young Ms. Rubin, next time you feel like questing toward self-perfection, maybe just have another spoonful of cookie dough and hit the couch for a couple episodes of Real Housewives. Because you’re perfect just as you are. (Late note: I just found an article from 2008 – !!! – about the danger of women being compulsive perfectionists. Worth a read. Click here. Also, my friend Bob Ritchie just sent me this link to a very recent essay by David Brooks of the New York Times, who talks about the concept of achieving “agency” – somewhat synonymous with independence, confidence, or sense of self. Very good reading. Click here for that.
Without a doubt, one of the most important articles I’ve read in a while!
I’m 24 years old and seem to suffer from an OCD-style perfectionism/idealism, and am a self-proclaimed Self Help Junkie. And I’m not just talking about perfectionism in just how I look or the work I do, but being so obsessed with trying to have it all/be perfect (e.g. the perfect life, the perfect personality, being perfect in every area of my life simultaneously) that I am completely paralysed by procrastination to cope with such high demands, because whatever I try and do isn’t good enough.
Most days I struggle to get out of bed/try and numb these obsessive thoughts with distractions (e.g sleep, tv, food). I’ve had the usual treatment for depression and everything, but that feels more like a symptom to all this, rather than the root cause.
I know in my rational moments that it is impossible to be perfect and if this was somebody else speaking, I would tell them the exact same thing. But I have this innate desire to want to do and be everything, even though I know it’s completely impossible. And that desire is only getting worse, the more and more I put my life on hold and waste time.
I am no doctor, but if you are like me, the urge to be perfect is based in fear of criticism. It helped to get older, and to meditate. You can’t do anything about the first thing, but you could try the second: 20 minutes a day, and the effects are cumulative.
LOL the above replies say it all for me.
I like where I am in my life, and I am finished with “Improving ” myself.
At 71 years of age, I agree totally with Lynda (Above).
Take me as I am or don’t people can make up their own decision on that one.
I for one, refuse to do anything in my Old age but enjoy it!
Or as Bill Maher says in that video, “when you’re young, you’re beautiful, and when you’re old, you’re wise. Duh!” We are wise enough to say, been there, done that, ain’t going there again. Thanks for visiting, Kathleen.
I actually read the whole book and had much the same reaction as you did. Although a few of her “improvements” were OK, the way that she went about organizing her happiness quest seemed decidedly unhappy.
She’s writing a book now about forming habits… I think I will pass. I am absolutely imperfect, with more than one bad habit, and that’s OK with me.
Oh, no, you’re kidding. What an anal obsessive. Well, she is on a roll. Writing seems to be her post-law career and, like the geniuses who thought up “Thin Thighs in Thirty Days,” (remember that one? a mega seller) and “Fifty Shades of Grey,” Rubin has hit the mother lode. As long as we keep buying, she keeps writing. Caveat emptor.
Amen, Sistah! I enjoy your posts, Lynne, and am delighted to see you doing so well with this forum. Good for you! Would love to chat sometime offline…My best to you.
Roxanne! So wonderful to hear from you, Sis!!! Yes, AST is a great place to visit, share wisdom about life, or just bitch aplenty. I saw your website. Very professional. Hope life is treating you well.
Lynne,
Thank you for this; you are spot on again. Self improvement does not equal happiness. Yep, Many years ago after my 2nd master’s degree I hit an awful wall of emptiness. I thought more “letters” after my name would give me something, it didn’t. I stopped climbing the invisible achievement ladder. Interestingly, I was talking with my eldest daughter the other day about women who do too much — how they make some of us look lazy and feel guilty. Many women she knew had husbands, children, homes, full time jobs — and they were always baking, cleaning, planting, volunteering, decorating, along with getting multiple degrees. We wondered if they had that delicious thing called down-time. Down-time is where some of my happiest moments have been found. . .just being not doing. You know those hours where one sits on the couch snuggled in a fleece blanket and reads, or looks out the window to watch the birds, or looks at the flat screen TV and watches classic movies? I won’t give those hours of peaceful nothingness away.
Heather, those women your daughter describes – I wonder if they’re happy being that busy or feel compelled to do it? I do know that different people have different energy levels – something about brain development – but my suspicion is they don’t feel free to slow down.
My husband taught me years ago that when you’re having a party, go to the deli, buy things that are already made, and add your little flair to them before serving. Like macaroni salad: I’ll make up a dressing consisting of several components, whisk it, and then mix it into the deli-made salad. Or I’ll order mashed potatoes and gravy from Marie Callendar’s for Thanksgiving dinner, so I don’t have to peel, chop, boil, and mash. At first I objected, feeling like a cheater. Then I gave up my ego a little and cheated away. Happily!
Lynne, this is an excellent post about a never ending issue we confront. Even for all our advances in women’s rights, we still aspire to that superwoman ideal. If anything having more opportunities available in some ways raised the bar higher. Now not only must we raise families to perfection, we have to seek high powered positions in the workplace. Something has to give and I wonder if it is our health that takes the toll. “Of the 50 million Americans living and coping with autoimmune disease (AD), more than 75 percent of them are women.” That is what I love about Any Shiny Thing; it reminds me how to feel “bien dans ma peaux”(happy in my skin) even as I age.
Thanks, Pat, for that kind compliment. You and I share such strong feminist convictions (esp. with you breaking trail in women’s professional athletics) that it is no wonder this resonates. Although as Bob Ritchie says it’s genderless, and I am sure some men feel this way, the vast majority of this compulsion is heaped on women. I am sad for the younger ones but at least as older ones we can try to ease their burden by setting a good example of how else to be! We should model how it looks to be happy with oneself, warts that may.
Your post today really resonates with me. I’m about to turn 70 and I’m so sick of all these stupid Ads for seniors to reinvent themselves… .. start a business, run a marathon, get a PhD, have great sex, get Botox look ten years younger! I’m not against women or men of any age doing these things if they so desire but the constant message that normal aging is somehow unacceptable is pervasive. I can’t imagine what will happen when folks actually realize that there is an end to life. This quest for eternal youth is madness. Heaven knows how the next ngeneration deal with aging when this negative attitude towards aging is the now the norm?
Call me crazy but I worked for 40 years and I’m finished with 5 & 10 year plans!
I’m may not be young or perfect but I’m content and enjoying life just as it comes.
Thanks for this post it raises a lot to think about.
Oh, Lynda, you’ve said it all, my friend. I could write a whole post just celebrating each and every sentence. In fact, I think I did write something along those lines…let me look and I’ll put it up if I find it. But here is what resonates for me, from your comment: can we not model for our kids, at least, that there is a time for vacation? For sitting on the patio and listening to birdsong? For unhurried reading of lovely books? For puttering with old photos or gardening? Is it ALL ABOUT PRODUCTIVITY? (Sorry, I worked myself into a primal scream.) 🙂
Lynne, you put into words what I failed to do properly when I reviewed this book. The title of the book and the content are worlds apart. How do you make yourself happier by forcing upon yourself lists and chores? I am sure Ms Rubin is a happy enough but felt this book was simply an attempt to make money off a half-thought out idea. If you want to be happier, then do more of what you enjoy and less of what you don’t.
Lois, of course you are right – exp. your last sentence. But I have to tell you, when I started reading I felt as if I were dipping into the mind of a very compulsive person. Sickens me that it is selling so well. How much better if we could apply our efforts to, say, community service, instead of chewing on ourselves. BTW, can you post a link to your review?
I love this, Lynne. Embracing our imperfections and freeing ourselves from endless expectations of what we think we could/should/need to be is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves- the gift of freedom. Excellent post!
Thanks, Kathy! Good to hear from you.
Lynne, you just made my day. I used to be an excellent time organizer; raising 3 kids, a kinda demanding husband, the care of the animals that always seemed to some how end up in our home, and I had a job most of the time. Now, accomplishing all of the above should have made me feel content. Instead I was anxious and nervous with very little time to call my own.
Getting older changed my ways. My mom once told me that being a good cook or a good house cleaner won’t be put on my tombstone. Eventually I came to understand and live by that. She was a wonderful woman who raised 5 kids and lived on a small farm that constantly needed attention. And yet she could walk by the messes we kids made and go sit in a chair to read a good book. She was content with her role in life. It took me longer to get to that point, but here I am, and I love it.
Judy, that’s what made me sad about this book. The author, Gretchen Rubin, seems obsessed with the need to prove herself. Too bad she couldn’t have grown up with your mother!
Lynne, I also have 30 years of journals in my possession. I am also nearly 60 (January), and yes, I realized as well , we are human, the quest for perfection is manufactured somewhere in our environment and keeps rearing its head in our literature. Acceptance, on the spiritual end of things, is the best medicine. Unfortunately, you can’t advise young people to consider this, because many of them look upon older people as not being in the loop. I think elders were revered more before the printing press? I enjoyed your article, and your sense of humor, and am still smiling. Thank you.
My pleasure, Susan. Sadly, the young can’t always just suck up the wisdom of the older people – they have to go there and experience things firsthand. There’s no way I could tell my young ‘uns to just relax. They’d probably be offended. But then, when they get older, they’ll see there are benefits to the wrinkle years: the wisdom to let it go.
I often see in magazines the question…. What would you tell to your younger self? It’s a fascinating question. I would love to convince my younger self of many things….. Love yourself… You are just fine the way you are… Take life less seriously. Lately I have been presented with two aha pieces of advice that I love. One is that in our culture we feel we need to change the “bad” things about ourselves, while it is much more effective and empowering to look at our strengths and make them even stronger… What a concept! And one I wish I’d known earlier.
The second was from a Diane Sawyer interview I just watched…. Criticism is just a very bad way to make a request. How much more in my life would I have gotten right in relationships, business, life, if instead of judging and criticizing I could have just asked…. This is bothering me… How can I or we make it better?
I am struck by the fact that these thought are all about being real, honest and becoming my best me…. Not about picking twelve areas to improve upon and working my ass off to try to,change myself in ways I can’t possibly achieve. We are driving ourselves crazy and self help books like you describe are part of it….. Thanks Lynne, for giving me fodder for thought each week.
Nanci, the fact that you consider AnyShinyThing worth visiting each week makes me proud. You’re one of the smartest, most ethical and thoughtful people I know!
But as to the subject, I think Ms. Rubin is probably reflecting the worst of our culture in regard to women feeling they must be perfect. Although we all feel it to a certain degree, I suspect the pressure is the very worst in populations who enjoy great privilege, highest economic circumstances, and greatest opportunity. If, say, you’re at a cocktail party with Bob Rubin’s son and DIL, and the latter clerked for SDOC, published five books, and is raising two kids, what would YOU bring to the table?
Personally, I’d leave Manhattan and move to a farm.
Lynne, you’ve put into words exactly what I’ve been thinking lately. I have been a self improvement junky for the last couple of years, and I have to say I’m done. If I just do this or that I’ll be happy, content, insert any positive adjective you can think of, I need to meditate more, be more present, I need to find my purpose ( I always think of the movie The Jerk when I hear that). If I just follow the 5 steps listed, or put into practice the 6 key points I will achieve bliss. Well, I’ve tried and my life is still what it is —- my life, sometimes good sometimes not, sometimes stressful sometimes calm. Have I achieved bliss? Hardly, and I don’t want to feel like a failure because I don’t walk around smiling like the village idiot every day. Acceptance, that’s what I have finally figured out, acceptance of where I am in life, acceptance of exactly who I am, good, bad or indifferent. Acceptance of the bad days and rolling with it, acceptance of the good days and sometimes great days and being grateful for those days. Acceptance for the minor aches and pains because they come from a body well used over the last 55 years, acceptance of the lower energy level which makes me slow down a tad and take a few more breaks so I sit back and really enjoy that hot cup of coffee. Acceptance that my life isn’t perfect and never will be, but it’s my life and it’s pretty damn good. Oh, I also started my F###it list and it was liberating, a little sad but mostly liberating. Thank you so much for your blog – I love it, it’s real, honest and no BS.
Oh, man, Kris, if you ever want to write a guest post I’ll give you a whole page. Talk about real, honest, and no BS – and you also make me chuckle as I’m reading.
Here’s the thing we might also consider: your comment empowers me. Maybe we should empower others with such resistance!
Makes me sad that this book is a best-seller.
I have a bunch of journals too and most of the pages start out with, ‘I’m depressed today’ or ‘I woke up in a bad mood’. I could have used a book filled with positive quotes, but even that wouldn’t have gotten the route of my problem.
I’m with you, Lynne. I’ve accepted that I’m not perfect even though I suppose when I was younger I tried to be. What worries me is that young women today (oh that’s a gramma phrase, isn’t it) think they want to do it all and that’s their definition of perfection. But in reality, it’s impossible. We’re only human. Instead of taking advice from magazines, they should turn to we older and wiser women. We’ve been through it and we’re in the know, right? 😀
We SHOULD be in the know, or we missed the lessons, Vonnie! I love being older. Thank GOD.
Excellent post Lynne.
Thanks, David. Great to hear from you!
Excellent for all genders. For me perfection had much to do with proving myself to my father. Now I want to maximize life, not goals. Over the last ten years I have been present to many who were in the final stages of life. It has almost finally dawned on me, I might die too. Time to dust off my bucket list.
Hi Bob. I did think about men as I wrote it, because they’re sometimes in the same boat. But according to an article from 2008 (that I just added to the post), men worry about 3 things a day, whereas women worry about 12. On average.
But yes, you might die too! We all might die. In fact, i can guarantee it. So let’s damn well enjoy our lives, imperfect beings that we are. Late note: I just found an article from 2008 – !!! – about the danger of women being compulsive perfectionists. Worth a read. Click here. Also, thanks for the link you sent me to the essay by NYTimes writer David Brooks on people achieving “agency” – somewhat synonymous with independence, confidence, or sense of self. Very good reading. Click here for that.