I spoke recently with a group of women in their fifties, and we talked about some very deep issues facing this decade.
They were having a hard time staying positive with all the physiological changes going on. How do you hold your head up when you’re old enough to be a mother to the people you work with? How do you compete for sexual or romantic attention when you don’t feel especially gorgeous anymore?
Although we celebrated the positive, tears were shed. Angst was expressed.
I wondered if grief might be a necessary stage for transitioning to the second half of life? My friend Dixie writes inspirational little books, and in her latest, “The Oldness Club,” she says,
“I believe we walk through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) when changes occur in our lives. I think we cycle in and out of those feelings as we learn to embrace the older years…”
As I listened to these women, I felt sympathetic. The fifties is a rough decade, isn’t it? This is when most of us are grappling with the reality of menopause and all the loveliness that entails. It’s quite frightening at times. In my own situation, I developed such severe uterine fibroids that I almost couldn’t leave the house. I became pale and weak, and one day I thought I was going into shock from loss of blood. I finally had surgery, and then I wondered what the aftereffects of THAT would be. In the absence of my ovaries, uterus, and cervix, would my remaining organs reorganize? Without ovaries, could I still have fun in the sack? Would I even have the desire to try?
After growing up into all the parts you were given, what do you do when they slow down or get removed? And this on top of wrinkles, bad knees, new aches and pains, hair loss and growth (both in all the wrong places)…Is this something that could make you freak out, panic, wail, and grieve?
This decade of transition, as rough as puberty and just as influential, can make you frightened and discouraged.
You wonder how you are going to function–who you are going to be–during and after it. I don’t remember anybody telling me, ten years ago, that it was okay to grieve, but I think it would have helped.
In your fifties, you need more than happy talk, so here are my answers to the two questions at the beginning of the article. I hope those of you who are over 60 and reading this will add your thoughts.
How do you hold your head up when you’re older than everybody at work?
Take care of your health and appearance, stay current with your profession, build your confidence (see below), and then act confident (i.e. don’t apologize for or make jokes about your maturity. Act like it’s a benefit. Younger people don’t know any better and you’ll blow them away with your calm strength.) They don’t respect fear, and they don’t respect older people pretending to be young. If you disrespect yourself, they will, too. And how is anything ever going to change if we all worship at the altar of youth? Be a model of kick-ass aging. Find a way to make them jealous that you’re older. It’s not about looks. It’s about class and self-respect. (PS I regret the way I phrased this. “How do you hold your head up…”???? Why the heck wouldn’t you hold your head up? It’s not like you have to be ashamed. Chalk up that misstep to my having been culturally brainwashed.)
How do you compete for sexual or romantic attention when you don’t feel especially gorgeous anymore?
My skin is crepey all over and I have turkey neck. My stomach is a train station, with surgical scars crisscrossing my navel. Yet, I do like to look good, especially when I speak to groups. (Luckily, I get to do that with clothes on.) My appearance affects my confidence. So here’s my answer in four parts:
1. I take care of my body and mind. Five years ago, I joined Weight Watchers and lost twenty pounds, and I kept it off. I exercise, meditate, and most days, get enough sleep. Maintain your machine, ladies.
2. I like style. I enjoy it. So it’s fun for me to visit a number of websites regularly to get ideas for how I might jazz up my wardrobe. I see what might be fashionable, funky, and fun for a woman my age. I get ideas, and then I personalize them.
Here are some sites, but you could Google “fashion over 50 blogs” and see more:
http://www.over50feeling40.com/
http://fashionoverfifty.com/blog/
http://bagandaberet.blogspot.com/
Another note about fashion: I am a little braver now about fashion, because I am a little braver about everything. Also, I am sick of not wearing my special items just because I never go anyplace where they really work. So, although it might look silly to wear black pearl earrings or colorful scarves or Skechers platform dress sandals to the grocery store, I do it.
3. I do things to build my confidence. Midlife-a-Go-Go, for example, is a website that’s all about personal empowerment, which will give you a boost. The site’s the brainchild of Valerie Streeter Albarda.
Valerie Streeter Albarda
Inside Midlife-A-Go-Go, you’ll find nuggets of truths about midlife, profiles on women who are defying Mother Nature’s wicked clock and doing wonderful things in midlife, and other bits and pieces that make this time in our lives one of the most vibrant ever. It’s time to get your Go-Go on!
And also, here are two blog posts where you can read about what I’ve said in the past on this topic.
https://anyshinything.com/inspiration/life-hack-boosts-confidence and
https://anyshinything.com/life-wisdom-tips-strategies/confidence-is-a-choice
When they took this picture, I took pains to stand up straight. It felt a little rigid but looks great.
4. I put myself in a target-rich environment (TRE), one where I’m likely to achieve my purpose, and then I have fun. I live life, there in that environment, with my nice outfit and my confidence. If I were single and looking for a mate, this is where I’d stop looking and start living, and if the right guy showed up, he’d be attracted to me. Since I’m not single, my TRE is a book signing or public speaking. I’d feel good knowing I took control of my life and gave myself the best chance at happiness.
I also believe that once we get older, we are more likely to feel grateful for what we have rather than lament what we don’t, but I don’t know if that change happens while you are still only in your fifties. Because I think in your fifties you are reeling from stuff.
But science now tells us that your brain changes later in life to allow you to feel more settled in many ways. You are not quite as likely to panic about certain dramatic developments. At least for the majority of us.
I now think there really has to be a period of adjustment and acceptance, possibly even grieving, to transition beyond the fifties. It’s a time of change, and becoming. Like a little girl going through puberty, you are tortured for a few years, but once things settle down, it’ll be better than you can imagine.
I would love to hear from my friends who are over sixty. What tips can you offer our younger sisters who are finding their way through this transition stage?
Dear Lynne, Thank you so much for your blog. I love the picture of you donning that beautiful jacket and beaming with self confidence. You look lovely.
Loved the part you wrote about dressing up to go to the grocery store. I have the same philosophy. I wear my sparkly, crystal earrings whenever I chose. One day a lady said to me, “I have a pair of earrings like yours, but only wear them for special occasions.
My reply, “I do too, everyday is a special occasion.”
On the days I am home, I comb my hair, put on earrings and blush no matter what. Sometimes I wear a skirt or dress just because. As I write this, I am wearing my crystal earrings and don’t plan on leaving the house.
On occasion I wear two different socks or a blue-green polish on my toes.Today I am experimenting with a gray shade of polish on my nails. My negative mind says…..you are to old to wear that color, you have arthritic fingers and brown spotted hands, you should stick with clear or white. For today, my answer is…..So What? I may never wear the color again, but I don’t want to base my decision on what someone else thinks.
There is a wonderful book called, ADVANCE YEARS, by Ari Seth Cohen. The women in this book are in their older years. They honor their fashion sense with style and grace. I am not as brave as some of them, but they give me courage.
I have survived and thrived, cried and laughed, kicked and screamed, gained new freedoms and let go during my 50,s, 60’s, and now in my 70’s. I am trying to practice saying to myself, I am lovely -inside out, every time a negative thought comes into my mind. Some days are better than others.
Thank you Lynne for being an advocate for all of us as we age. We need each other. Dixie Ayala
Dixie, you know I so appreciate your calm and thoughtful approach to life. Meeting you has been such a blessing. When I read your books I feel calmer, and more grateful, for the everyday beauty of life. Thanks so much for dropping by and saying hello at AnyShinyThing!
Wow – the comments are interesting. I just turned 50, and thought I was crazy for the things that have running through my mind. I feel relieved to admit it’s been grief that I’ve been going through, not insanity. I hope when I turn 60 I have some positive insights to share with 50 somethings…like how I used my grief as a stepping stone to take my health serious, ramp up my sex life in my 21 yr & counting marriage, showed my daughters that 50 is great time to do, be, and re-create life after doing, being, and creating a life they grew up with. I will look past the wrinkles, sagging skin, gray sprouts, and march forward with confidence, glee, and determination to embrace each year as a gift! Great post! Thank you, I’ve gained very much needed insight!
Trisha, you really took the bull by the horns and took steps to make it a positive transition. I have to offer congratulations on being so proactive! I posted this essay on a social media site, and a lot of the women objected, saying that their fifties were fantastically empowering and all that. While that was uplifting to read about, I think many of us go through the stage of feeling very upset and troubled over the changes. So your experience of being upset but then taking action is really inspiring.
There were two birthdays that were hard for me…. 31, because you couldn’t trust anyone over thirty and 50. I was so introspective then. I wanted nothing to do with the 50 black balloons and well wishers. I was in a failing marriage, was overweight and unhappy. I was also in a position in my life when I was perceived as competent enough in my job that I took on all the really hard stuff, not just challenging, but emotionally wearing. Oh, and there was that little secret about peri menopause/ menopause taking away my ability to sleep… that was an unwelcome surprise.
I joined weightwatchers and lost weight and updated my wardrobe. I also got a divorce and started dating. (Later I was told by a 30 something colleague that I was the inspiration for her to re imagine her life). All this was so hard. I really had to slog through it.
Here I am at 65, though. Retired and loving it. Finally fitting into my own skin. In a good relationship and living in an awesome place.
Oh, young’uns, power through…. there really is some gold at the end of the stormy rainbow. You just have to be open to the differences in what you think you might want and what you eventually decide you DO want. There is contentment in being older and some of it comes with acceptance of who you really are and what you can reasonably do. As Lynne has so wisely pointed out, our brains actually are wired for later life contentment and it’s pretty grand.
Pretty grand, indeed, my friend. Thanks for sharing your story and your wisdom with us.
I agree, the 50s are tough. I have a daughter and a daughter-in-law going through this at the moment. I can see the shock of realization on their faces “What the H… is going on? Is it ever going to get better?” No, it won’t all go away and get better. But it will be different. Your advice about maintaining your machine is spot on. That is the starting point and the key to the rest of your years. If you don’t ‘get’ that, you are on a very downward spiral. But if you do get it, you will eventually be in a far better place of good health, acceptance and peace.
Well said, Diane. We have to have the courage to look at things differently, to value different things. Change is frightening, but it can be very gratifying.
Hi Lynne! I do think all of us go through a period of “mourning” or at least learning to accept getting older. But honestly, I never once thought of myself at any age as “gorgeous.” For many of us who had average looks throughout our youth, hanging on to that perception just isn’t a problem. Instead, I worked to develop my mind, my curiousity, my consiousness, and that has made all the difference. My motto has always been, “a smile is the best accessory you can wear” has been and still is something I strive to project to the world. While I agree that we all want to look our best and take care of the body that we have, learning that our personality and attitude will be with us (regardless of the shape of the body) is something we are never too young (or old) to learn and embrace. ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy. I totally agree a smile indicates confidence and self satisfaction, to my mind anyway. Confidence is attractive. Even if you don’t really feel it inside, it’s a great thing to get in the habit of projecting. And it is now becoming clear that we can make ourselves feel a certain way by acting a certain way , at least to some degree. Thanks for your guidance. I value your perspective.
Perhaps my life is not a good example for others because we have moved and changed lifestyles recently, but I found the fifties to be a breeze compared to my sixties. Yes, there were many new challenges as I married again, changed careers and dealt with all the physical changes in my body. but I also have experienced two brain injuries in the past few years, not to be recommended as your brain slows down a bit naturally.
For me, the positive side to the fifties was becoming myself finally and knowing it. I stopped allowing negative people into my life and began to really appreciate who I am. That, I think, is the purpose of this new time we enjoy as our lifespans expand.
I recommend focusing on spiritual development as you age. The body will do what it will do.
Laura Lee, you have definitely had it tougher than most, it sounds like. And yet you persevere and inspire us. Especially your last two sentences. Pure gold.
I found great comfort in reading this. So much good advice! You helped my stoicism about this decade and made me excited about the next decade. Which is proof of your own hypothesis that you can make others envious of your experience. Well done!
Thank you, Mithra. I believe that people who’ve made it through the minefield should send back messages to help others make it safely too!
Lynne, this was a(nother) beautiful post–affirming for those of us who’ve gotten through our fifties, and offering hope for those who are in the throes of that decade. Being in my sixties really does feel like having come into calm waters after being tossed and turned by rough seas for a while. And I think we arrive here with a new sense of achievement and confidence knowing we made it. While the rest of our journey may not be all smooth sailing, we know we have the ability to deal with what may come our way.
Hi Roxanne,
Yes, it’s interesting with the benefit of hindsight to see how challenging that decade was. I think we maybe look at the roiling negativity of the 50s and think, well, that’s it forever. That’s how it’s going to be, getting old. But now, as a 62-year-old, I see the 50s as a crossing-place, and once you get past it, the other side is way more fun!
This was a lovely post, thank you for sharing it. I am 59, and have been asked if my husband is my father and if my son is my husband! (Second marriage). A few years ago I had a uterine ablation and no periods since. Yay! I assume I’ve gone through menopause, but haven’t had hot flashes, or any of the other things associated with “the change.” Unfortunately, my husband, who is 65, is not interested in sex. I can’t believe I am actually going to type this, but in our 13 years of marriage, we have never had sex. He has never had sex, ever. He had 2 relationships prior to me. Why do I stay with him? He has no one else. Do I miss it? Yes!!!! But I suppose that’s another post for another time.
Riley, I know of a woman who loves her husband and they haven’t had sex in over 25 years. Now they are in their mid-80s. They are content with their lives. Each marriage/relationship/life is different, and the beauty of getting older is understanding just how individual we all are. If you are happy or content, that’s all that matters. Thanks for writing.