Looking out on the audience at the national conference, I wondered if my talk would resonate. Most of the audience was much younger than me, maybe too young to appreciate my message.
Before the talk, I’d gotten acquainted with the fun and interesting women at my table, but they were sharing stories about their teenagers, and my “teenager” just turned 38. My stories would be much different. My LIFE is different.
Different as in older, which in this culture is a dirty word. Plus, it was a conference for midlife bloggers, who were focused on starting, growing, and monetizing their blogs, not aging. As a successful blogger who talks about aging well, I’d been invited to speak about how we bloggers can use the power of our voice to change the future for the better. After all, we are the media now.
But I was wondering if aging was yet a big deal to them. Should I maybe have been over at the AARP conference instead?
I went on stage, and talked about being proud of ourselves, focusing on our gifts, having gratitude (see: Prince, 1958–2016), not apologizing for aging, not living in denial. Standing tall.
My talk (with Walker Thornton and Treva Scharf) was very well received, and I felt triumphant, until a couple days later when the buzz wore off and I started second-guessing myself.
Does anybody really want to think about aging–positively or otherwise?
Then I told a friend about it, a friend who is young, and she said this: we need to see you up there, reassuring us that it’s okay. Showing us how to be calm in the face of all the changes we’re facing. We need older people to talk us down, and lift us up. So don’t stop. I thanked her, and then I remembered this poem by Alice Walker.
Alice Walker
Until I Was Nearly Fifty
Nearly fifty
I rarely thought
Of age
But now
As I approach
Becoming
An elder
I find I want
To give all
That I know
To youth.
Those who sit
Skeptical
With hooded
Eyes
Wondering
If there really
Is
A path ahead
& Whether
There really
Are
Elders
Upon it
Yes. We are there
Just ahead
Of you.
The path you are on
Is full of bends
Of crooks
Potholes
Distracting noises
& Insults
Of all kinds.
The path one is on
Always is.
But there we are,
Just out of view
Looking back
Concerned
For you.
I see my dearest
Friend
At fifty-one
Her hair
Now
An even
Steel.
She blushes much
& talks
Of passion:
It cannot be
For the bourgeois
Husband
I never
Liked.
I thought life
With him
Had killed
The wild-haired girl
I knew.
But no.
There she is
There she goes.
Blushing.
Eldering.
I too talk
Stunned
Of love
Passion
Grace of mating
At last
With
My soul’s
Valiant twin.
Oh youth!
I find
I do not have it in
My heart
To let
You stumble
On this curve
With fear.
Know this:
Surprise alone
Defines this time
Of more than growth:
Of distillation
Ripeness
Enjoyment
Of being
On the vine.
–Alice Walker
Lynne, I truly enjoyed meeting you, chatting at the lunch table, and listening to you speak at BAM. We have such an opportunity as the generation that defines what I refer to as “digital grand-mothering.” As I develop my conceptualization of the role women elders play in the dawning of the Information Age, I am so grateful to have such informed sisters walking this path too. The conference inspired me as an elder sister cadre was predominant at the conference. Celebrating and sharing our knowledge and approaches, to not only affirming, but to generating, our greatness was unlike any other experience I have had. There was a palpable presence of smart, culturally aware, female wisdom in Las Vegas in April. We are curating the first global collection of information on the lives of women. Long overdue and sorely needed.
Nancy, I’m sorry I didn’t see that you’d visited the blog until just now. Your uplifting words bring back so many happy memories about the conference. Truly, things are changing significantly with the advent of the digital capabilities now available to us. It’s exciting to be able to combine our energies; in another time period we’d never have met. I’m grateful.
Thanks for stopping by.
The Alice Walker poem is a real “find”…thank you, Lynne, for sharing it. She expresses many of the same thoughts and feelings I have had about reaching out and reaching back to those who are following us “on the path.” I love how she describes “The wild-haired girl”…”There she is…There she goes…Blushing. Eldering.” She is within each of us, if we give ourselves the time and permission to look for her and welcome her back into our lives.
The generation that “follows the Boomers” on the path is Gen X. Have any of you noticed that they seem to be the “Generation-That-Must-Not-Be-Named” in the media? Today, Millenials “get the press” just like the Boomers have over the years. I have a heart for women in Gen X. They are the ones who are now stepping into their 50’s…”Wondering…If there really…Is…A path ahead.” I’m “with” Alice Walker when she says…”I find…I do not have it in…My heart…To let…You stumble…On this curve…With fear.”
Besides living my life fully at this life stage, I see myself as a teacher…mentor…role model (as we ALL ARE…whether we realize it or not). I choose to represent “eldering” as a time of freedom and fun…peace and possibility…energy and enJOYment…courage and counsel…learning and love. I feel blessed to have found my way, past some of the “bends…crooks…Potholes…Distracting noises…& Insults…Of all kinds.”
Thank you, Lynne, for “doing your part” to share “the good news!”
Sue, that urge to share what we know about the path ahead of the younger ones may just be the “generativity” that Erik Erikson said is an essential stage of healthy living in later years. I’m glad you enjoyed Alice Walker’s poem. And BTW, Gen X in relation to Millenials (wish they’d thought of another name; it’s too hard to spell!) is like the “pre-boomer” generation Diane Dahli represents in her excellent blog, http://www.stilltheluckyfew.com/about/
Generativity is described here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generativity
Thanks for commenting. I always appreciate your insights.
Thanks for bringing my attention to the concept of generativity, Lynne. That’s exactly what that “urge to share” must be.
Thank you also for mentioning the “Silent Generation.” I notice some of the “vocal ones” from that generation using other titles. I have heard them refer to themselves as the “Matures”…and there is a book specifically about that generation entitled THE LUCKY FEW…
http://www.amazon.com/Lucky-Few-Between-Greatest-Generation/dp/1402088507
Thanks for the link, Sue. I wonder if that’s where Diane got the name for her blog?
Lynne, I think that there is a great interest in what we are doing with these bonus years. As we take this great unknown garden of time and cultivate it and bring forth many new and interesting developments, we set an example for the generations behind us that the work of becoming fully human is never fully finished as long as you take a breath. Thank you for sharing our thoughts in the post and Alice Walker’s poem.
Bernadette, I’m reading a new book about midlife and later years (Life Reimagined; The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife, by Barbara Bradley Hagerty). I’ve read many of this type of work, and I’m heartened by the realization of two things: one, it’s new country. Due to longer, healthier lifespans and better research, we’re learning that there’s a vast unknown potential in older age. And two, it appears this may be a very positive time of life. People are happier, brains work better than we thought, love and relationships are more important than monetary success, stress can make you happy, etc. I’m really excited about learning and sharing as I come across new information. And yes, Alice Walker has a beautiful spirit.
Hi Lynne! Stay valiant! What’s interesting is that I was actually surprised to see that there were many women at BAM who were my age (60) or older. From my eyes I’m guessing it was 50-50. (wishful thinking? Not sure.) But the message of aging in a positive is something that touches us all eventually so whoever needs to hear it at any given time needs those of us who go before them. Besides, as I told you recently, on my blog I did a survey and the #1 topic of interest was positive aging. Naturally that’s my demographic but there are LOTS of women and men looking for guidance. Let’s never hold back from that! ~Kathy
No, you are right Kathy. With a hundred million of us over 45 in this country, we can make a powerful noise if we choose to. And the noise is this: every age is wonderful. Savor whatever age you are. No more apologizing. Lift each other up.
PS I so enjoyed our lunch! Look forward to staying in touch.
Lynn, I’m at a point in my life where I honestly DO feel good about aging. I don’t associate negative connotations with it. While I do lament the fact that as I get older, so to do the older loved ones in my life, but I realize that, as sad and heartbreaking as that is, it is life. So I’ve vowed to forge ahead in midlife and beyond and promise myself to be the best me that I can.
Valerie, thanks for coming by and offering your thoughts. When my (very difficult) father was about 80, I began turning the other cheek, big time. Everything I did was driven by the realization of his decline, and the thought, “will I be happy with the way I treated him or feel guilty?” So I showered him with love, and he passed at 84. I am glad I came to my senses. You are so right. It is life. PS you’re a pretty awesome you. (Friends, you should visit Valerie’s website, http://www.midlifeagogo.com).
Keep being a role model for those coming up. Keep with your message. Kudos. And great pic!
I would have loved to be at that conference and hear you speak! We do need to keep working on the issues of getting older to reassure those coming up that all is not lost when we become 50, or 60, or God forbid 70! I read Alice Walker years ago. Thanks for sharing her wonderful poem!
Lynne,
I read your book Dakota Blues and found my way to your website and blog. Thank goodness for that day Spirit turned my attention your direction!
You have made a difference in many lives, although you may not know it, nor the people you helped may not even be aware. Sometimes it takes time for words and ideas to percolate through all the gray matter!
All my life I’ve been a rebel, and non-conformist, to the dismay of my birth family and many others. Why would I stop in my elder age? At 63, I still do things that some wonder about, standing up for myself, and showing the youngsters that we don’t have to follow what “society” would like to dictate is our role.
And thank goodness right back at you, Ginger, because your voice is invigorating. I guess it’s natural to second-guess ourselves, but that’s what friends are for, to swoop in and shore you up. Thanks for the shoring. See you around AST.
Oh yes, Lynne, we have a role to play for the younger ones coming up behind us. Setting an example is one the most important things we can do, whether it has to do with aging or some other part of life. As long as we’re here on earth, there are lessons to learn and impart.
Yes, Joan, I agree. As long as we have curiosity and wonder, we’ll be happy, I believe.
It’s funny. I heard about BAM but figured at 63, I’d be the oldest attendee and opted out. I’m glad you were there. I think you are a voice that helps change the way aging is perceived. I’m sure that’s a job you probably never wanted!
Debby, I am drawn to find reasons to feel good about getting older because it represents busting out of chains, to me. I hate the idea of having to conform at this age, to accept the limitations placed on us by “the culture” (which is largely invented by depressed midlifers). And I love sharing information; I have in the past taught computer classes to older peeps, because I thrill to their empowerment. If God hadn’t invented the internet I don’t know what I’d do! PS I was struck by how many of the speakers at the conference were our age. The proportion of older people speaking was greater than that of the audience, which seemed kind of cool. Alice Walker would’ve been happy with us. And early 60s seems like an awesome age to be. (Coffee is kicking in. Can you tell?)
Lynne,
I wondered that as well…and the thing is, whether they listened or not, we are setting an example in the way we talk, ‘show up’ and keep nudging at the issue.
Even my conversations with you have expanded my awareness…and I thought I was pretty aware. It’s a gradual thing, this accepting of age. Or even understanding that there are issues ahead that could be addressed at an earlier age.
What a great thing to hear, Walker, that I’ve managed to fling out some nuggets you hadn’t yet unearthed. I feel proud. And you have given reassurance to those of us over 50 who wonder if the sad faces on the TV advertisements are accurate. (They’re not, of course, but fear is a huge selling point.)
Lynne, the Alice Walker poem you share is just beautiful. It perfectly captures where we are at this stage of our lives; the word “distillation” really resonated with me…that we’re sifting through all we’ve learned and keeping the concentrated good stuff that comes from our long(er) experience of being on the planet. Please don’t ever doubt yourself and the rightness of your message. While some of those following behind us may not be ready to hear it, those of us beside you certainly are!
(Good Morning, East Coasters! Your faithful correspondent is awake and reviewing your comments at 4:50 a.m.)
Roxanne, the poem made me sense how much younger people might desire some guidance, and how disappointed they’d be to have us fluffing around, trying to act more like them. How much more reassuring to calmly send back encouraging signals from the front. Thanks for your kind words. I loved seeing you there.