Baby boomers are divorce-prone. Many of us have already gone through one, if not more, and it continues in older age.
Baby Boomers are the only age group in which divorce rates are rising. One reason is that Boomer women tend to be more financially independent. They’re saying, “I’m not putting up with this anymore. I only have one life. I want to be free.”
Why not? The kids are raised. It’s just her and the old man. Why stay in an unsatisfying marriage?
Because.
Speaking as a 61-year-old twice-divorced person, I think it’s different now that we’re older. Unless you’re dealing with domestic abuse or some other non-negotiable failing, consider these realities:
- Reality Check #1: Life is hard. Being half of a team can make old age easier.
- Reality Check #2: Your spouse has failings. Who doesn’t? Unless you’re planning to go looking for a 30-year-old, they all do, and at this point, change isn’t likely.
- Money: We used to stay together “for the sake of the children.” Now, it’s finances. Trading in the home you love, all the memories, and a neighborhood full of friends for a one-bedroom apartment somewhere–is that absolutely necessary?
- Compassion. Think about how your spouse will do on his own. Good? Not good? Part of the deciding.
- Broken connections: Do you want to divide up family and friends at this age? Or lose contact with people you love or like a whole lot?
- New connections: Do you want to learn the names and personalities of all the people in your new guy’s life? And hear about times gone by in which you played no part? Call me cynical, but–no.
A couple of my friends are dealing with serious problems within their marriages, and they’ve decided to stay, for now anyway. Their adult kids would prefer otherwise. It’s complicated. Stay or go, there’s loss. My friends are motivated by love, financial considerations, and personal matters. We’re quick to cry “codependency!” but it may not be that. At their age, it’s probably better to assume they’re being logical rather than pathological. It doesn’t mean they’re weak or stupid. Maybe they’re stronger than anybody can imagine.
In my own case, Bill and I have been together twenty years, and recently we’ve been doing some recalibrating. It started with a fight that lasted a month. Believe me, we considered all options.
However, as Rahm Emanuel famously said, “Never let a good crisis go to waste.”
A good crisis makes people uncomfortable enough to try alternatives. If you’re fighting a lot, and you’re ready for serious, even painful, change, how about using the new instability to fashion a happier life without divorce?
One of the nice things about getting older is seeing things in new ways. For example, if you were going to get divorced, but due to finances you knew you’d need a roommate, how about the guy you already live with? You could divide up the rooms. It’s kind of a silly example, but practical.
Bill and I changed some routines and understandings to allow more independence within our relationship. (No, not that kind of independence.) It’s pretty exciting, and it beats starting over alone.
Who do you want to become in the years ahead? Is it possible to do that within a partnership? Nothing’s perfect, but staying together might just provide the foundation you need for finding yourself at this new age.
This post came at the perfect time! After a little more than a year into our retirement, I can see that my husband’s and my relationship is starting to shift and our different approaches to life are more apparent. I am not at all surprised to discover that I need A LOT more alone time than I am getting. When I worked, I would take a day off now and then just to be able to spend the day at home all by myself. I no longer have that luxury. I think that we will need to have “that talk” soon or I will start to lose my mind.
Thank you for being so honest. I’m sure that, with good, honest communication, things will work out and your relationship with your husband will continue to strengthen.
Thanks, Janis. It’s better already, in that we feel more honest saying what we need. OTOH, I think we lost something, too, because now he knows my true feelings. Ah, well, we’re old enough to handle it. The good outweighs all else.
And I didn’t say this in the post, because it seemed too detailed, but here are two of the new things we agreed to: Monday-Thursday, we prepare our own dinners and eat together. Nobody has to feed the other, and we can eat different things. Then on Fri, Sat, and Sunday, we eat same food, together.
Also, I want my mornings free to write, work my business, etc. without feeling guilty about ignoring him. He’s a capable person with his own interests, but I do tend to worry. And I don’t want or need to. He’s cool with that. If I want to go in the office, shut the door, and hibernate until lunchtime, so be it.
These are small things but they give me more a sense of control and freedom. So often we’re stuck in ruts and don’t think creatively.
Thanks for telling me about your situation, too. I wish you the best in figuring out your own little freedoms, my friend. Write back.
I think a first marriage (young and in love) comes down to luck. In my case, I lucked out. I have been married 40 years (to the same man) and always say “It’s the only thing I did right the first time.” My 2nd favorite saying is: “Marriage is work.”
John and I had words about a month ago. I ended with these words: “Let’s have a strong finish.” I’m hanging on to those words. They make sense. We’re in it for the long haul…the strong finish.
Sunny, thanks for sharing that with me. It was challenging going through that month of anger, but ultimately Bill and I have realized how much we share, how much we stand to lose, and how committed we are. Since you are a life coach, you would understand growth opportunities more than anybody, and this was absolutely that. Maybe the best growth opportunity of our lives. Very exciting.
I have never been divorced but have considered it more than a few times. But I do have 2 daughters that went through it. And because we are close, I went through it with them. In both of their cases it was the best thing for them although it was hard for me being Catholic to accept that at first. I did learn that divorce is so hard on people. It is not just a freedom thing for anyone. It takes its toll on all involved, especially if kids are in the picture. But it usually ends up to be the best alternative to an otherwise unhealthy situation.
Thanks, Judy. I never took it lightly, but there have been many divorces in my family, mine included. I can only imagine how much my parents must have suffered.
Space is important, differentiation the key. I like the dog comment.
Me too, Bob. Have a good Sunday.
When I saw the headline of your post, I thought, “The trick is staying married after retirement!” All those years of both of you working, and then sharing evenings and weekends, and now suddenly you’re thrust into 24/7 companionship. That’s a drastic change! However, anyone who has been in a long-term marriage has surely faced changes over the years. This is just another adaptation. Yes, it’s challenging but worth it (in my opinion).
Mine too Sandy. Thanks for stopping by.
If two people have been strong enough to stay together for decades, come what may, they’re creative enough to continue. At least, I hope so. Hubs and I have a blended family and have been together for thirty two years. When both of us retired, things got a bit testy in the first few months. I think that’s understandable, entering such a drastically different stage. When things get hairy, we retreat to our own areas . . . coincidentally on opposite ends of the house. At present, we’re designing and making a line of small home decor accessories, with the intention of selling online, and at area arts and crafts shows. It will be an ongoing project that we can work on independently or together. So far, so good! And it’ll probably sound odd to some, but love for our dog, Gracie, is a common bond that cools us down when tempers heat up.
Whatever works, Cheryl! Sounds like you two have figured things out.
We may have grown up thinking that we had only two choices…either this or that…stay married or get divorced. Obviously there are lots of options between those two choices. You have given your readers some great “food for thought” today, Lynne!
We aim to serve.
Honest and beautiful. Inspiring. True. Thank you Lynne.
Thanks, Jan. I thought it needed to be said.
Yes it did! 🙂