Dorothy Sander
My friend Dorothy Sander responded to “I Don’t Want to Live Forever”. I felt empowered. Dorothy said this.
How very sad that advancing years seems to spawn despair and a sense of hopelessness and fear. About ten years ago, in my early 50’s I watched my parents journey through their last days, one dying at 89, the other at 97 and the thing that struck me then was exactly that. They couldn’t figure out how to live without “doing” something. I vowed then, that I would try to figure out a better way to die so that I don’t have to die in despair.
I have been wrestling with my own version of this issue and at sixty two I now see things very differently. I have never felt more at peace with life than I do now, and while the numbers say otherwise I feel like my life is just beginning. I’ve begun to think of the first half of life as “boot camp” for the good stuff. What we are missing in our western culture and perspective is the big picture. Is life really about “doing”? Is it about thinking, planning, executing?
For me, I now see it as a process of being and becoming, of transformation and personal and spiritual growth which is more of an inward journey than an outward one. Sure, we will live in the world, enjoying all that it has to offer until we can no longer do so, but perhaps what we are meant to do in our last years, no matter how long they last, is to do exactly what people like Erikson, Kubler-Ross, Dr. Estes and others have been saying for years, go inward. Aging is a transformative process that, when we choose to embrace, rather than fear, deny or avoid it, we are gifted with the ability to offer wisdom and perspective to a world that has grown mad with doing.
No one looks forward to living in pain and losing one’s faculties, but it’s just another change that we can choose to embrace or fear. I want to live in this place of transformative aging until I die and I want to resist falling into the trap of fear or despair to the best of my ability. If it is 70 years or 170, I don’t think I will have learned or experienced everything there is to learn or experience and I will be sorry to see this journey end, but I plan to leap, to the best of my ability, into the next world, whatever it is.
Dorothy blogs for the Huffington Post, and her blog, Aging Abundantly, is another joyful resource for those of us in the second half.
We might need courage in the second half to allow ourselves to ratchet down a bit, sit quietly and think, and that may be one measure of productivity. In this TedX video, geriatrician Dr. Bill Thomas talks about how we judge older people according to how closely they imitate the physicality of youth. And in this post, I talk about how a group of retired/retiring psychologists and therapists, all female, all feminists, all with the ability to think deeply, appear stuck on the productivity standard.
As my Dad used to tell me, “Use your thinker.”
Great post and at 59 I am one who feels as if my life is just beginning
Elizabeth, I’m 59 also, and agree. But this morning I feel like I was run over, and as I search my brain – what the heck did I DO yesterday that was outside the usual??? – I have this sad answer: I rode a swing. Yup, that’s all.
I swung vigorously, pointing my toes up into the sky and holding them there; pumping madly to achieve great heights. I wanted to delight my 18-mo-old grandson, who was nearby in a baby swing. Mission accomplished, but I’m so sore! From simply swinging. But glad I still can!
sounds like fantastic fun 🙂
Love this post. I work with twenty and thirty-somethings, and they are constantly going or doing. At their age I did the same, collecting novelty, and experience like a beachcomber collects shells. But now I crave introspection like I used to crave sensation. The journeys that mean the most to me are launched from my porch chair and go deep inside. Mary Oliver sums it up beautifully in her poem Today: “I hardly move though really I’m traveling a terrific distance.”
I agree. We are in different places, the young ‘uns and us. On Sunday I attended my granddaughter’s 3rd birthday party. It was boisterous and wonderful, and after a few hours I was ready for quiet, but before I left I saw two generations thriving in the noise: the young adults and their kids. It was wonderful; they were happily gathering seashells. But I had my full cache, so I happily left.
Love the quote…Those rocking chair grandmas may have been wiser than we sometimes like to think!
Great post, Dorothy. I think due to illness/injury I was thrust into that transformative inward journey earlier on. Though I don’t particularly embrace it, I no longer fear it. What you have said about the process is so true.
Thanks, Pat. Illness or extreme difficulty can certainly push us harder toward transformation. Pain is a great motivator. When we have an experience that is beyond our control, we are forced to see our powerlessness. We can’t “do” anything about it, so we must go inward to make sense of it and move toward acceptance.
Dorothy, good morning! Thanks again for hanging out with us. It’s so cool that our guests can talk with you. And if you haven’t yet received your free download of Dakota Blues, it’s here: http://www.amazon.com/Dakota-Blues-ebook/dp/B008RCZGU2/ref=la_B008MYC9Z0_1_1_title_0_main
I’m 65 & retired 10 years now – from teaching. I think the first few years after I retired I was busy “doing”. Not so much now. Like Dorothy says “What are you doing?” seems to be the first question everyone asks upon seeing someone they haven’t seen in a while. Or “Have you got any trips planned?” . I too want to know if people feel and believe that what they are “doing-doing-doing” is adding meaning and value to their life and bringing them joy, or are they struggling in some way? It’s good to have a change of scene and get away now and then but I really feel incessant traveling is over-rated and I like these quotes from Thoreau:
“Only that traveling is good which reveals to me the value of home and enables me to enjoy it better…” [Journal, 11 March 1856]
“We need only travel enough to give our intellects an airing…” [Journal, 20 November 1857]
Love the quotes! and so agree!
A wonderful post. I still babysit my grandchildren when they come home from school after three years of all day long plus two years of three days per week. Finally, I get to relax a bit more. Sigh.
Tess, I do a similar routine. Last year was rougher, but this year they’re older and we (Bill and I) do only two days a week. Still, it can be a challenge, because by the time they’re napping I’m so tired I can’t think in terms of writing or marketing my work. I barely have enough brainpower to watch TV or check my email. And yet…yesterday is an example of the beauty, why it’s all worthwhile: Bill was home sick and I was alone at my son and DIL’s house. After the 18mo old woke from his nap, (big sis still asleep) we played a bit and then laid on the rug in the playroom, side by side, looking up at the ceiling and the patterns formed by the reflected rays of the late afternoon sun. I’d point, and then he’d point, and every few seconds he’d make some comment in his own language (he doesn’t quite talk yet). His little happy sounds. And he’d grin at me, those perfect little corn-kernel teeth, as peaceful and happy as could be. I hope I never forget those minutes with him. If I never wrote another book or sold one more copy, it wouldn’t matter, because I have the memory of yesterday afternoon.
Indeed. I can’t complain because I have those moments to remember too. It’s how tiring it all is that gets to me. The girls are now 9-1/2 and six so life is easier finally. 🙂
You write great posts!
Takes one to know one.
🙂
“No one looks forward to living in pain and losing one’s faculties, but it’s just another change that we can choose to embrace or fear. I want to live in this place of transformative aging until I die and I want to resist falling into the trap of fear or despair to the best of my ability.”
What great common sense and perfect attitude for those of us in the second half (or third third in my case).
“Perfect attitude.” Exactly, Martin. Have a great weekend.
When does the third begin, Martin? I’m perhaps there and didn’t know it! My husband always says “we need a ‘church of common sense'” and I think he’s on to something!
Dorothy, thanks so much for your post and for visiting to talk with our readers. I know it feels great to be able to interact with the actual author!
Actually, Dorothy, I should have said the fourth. I’m thinking about 100 and I’ll be 76 in January.
I think the 1/4 thing might have validity Martin. If I look back over my life there seems to have been some significant learning experience and transition in each decade. 40 to 50 was so different fro 50 to 60 and I see very different things lining up fro 60 to 70. Have you noticed that?
I’ve noticed that absolutely, Dorothy. The decades differentiate themselves markedly. When I look back at what I did and what I was in my 50s and 60s, and then in the first half of my 70s, I see what are almost different lives and understandings, ones that changed radically from decade to decade. And I love these differences, the good and the bad. It’s a series of new and exciting lives in a certain sense.
Martin, would you be able to articulate a characteristic perspective change, or understanding, that you found unique to each decade?
Wow, Dorothy. That’s an interesting question. I think I’ll take a crack at it and let you know. Hope I’m perceptive enough to really understand the changing perspectives. Thanks for the idea.
Thanks for this great post! By nature I enjoy and value ‘being’. But I am greatly influenced by society’s value on doing. I needed this reminder that it is okay to hunker down and rest and not to run here and there like a chicken with its head cut off. I’ve been retired for 2 months. My workplace threw me a retirement party the other night. All people could ask me was, What have you been doing, travelling? So I’m feeling obliged to travel. The truth of the matter is that I’ve been just puttering around and recovering from a little nervous breakdown. I have recovered and all the better for it.
I’m glad you’re recovered, Hafong! It’s such a challenge to savor the roses at this time of our lives, yet we sometimes feel we have to justify our existence by running around with hair afire. Like a shrink once said, “You are enough.”
You bring up an interesting point, Hafong. “What are you doing?” seems to be the first question everyone asks upon seeing someone they haven’t seen in a while. I have a family reunion coming up in October and it’s that very question that I dread. I always have, primarily because I find I resist ego based conversation that often results; the value judgments of self and others. What I really want to know about them is do they feel and believe that what they are “doing” is adding meaning and value to their life and bringing them joy, or are they struggling in some way. Sometimes such a conversation is a natural outgrowth of the superficial, but not often. Perhaps we don’t take the time to develop a level of trust with others that allows us to share honestly. And, Bravo! for taking the time to heal and choose from the inside out what you will do next.
This post could not have come at a more perfect time for me today. I thank you from the depths of my heart. I love it, Lynne.
That makes me feel really good, Cathy. I’ll pass along your kind thoughts to Dorothy.
I’m so grateful to Lynne for bringing up this conversation. It’s such an important one and we all struggle to make sense of life, both the good and the bad. So glad it touch you in some way, Cathy.
No problem, Lynne. I knew what you meant..how about have a relaxing weekend just being, not worrying about doing something. I got it.
What a beautiful reminder, Dorothy to learn how to “grow old gracefully”, taking the focus off doing and putting it on being, whatever it is we are capable of being. Lovely thought as is having an”unproductive weekend” Great post, Dorothy and Lynne. Thank you both.
Thanks, Kathy. I deleted that last line because it suggested deep thinking wasn’t productive – sorry! But in exchange, a lovely book deal.
Thank you so much Lynn, for sharing my ramblings in response to your great post. To be given space for my message on your site is an honor and I am humbled by it. I have enjoyed reading the responses thus far. I am always curious to hear what other women are thinking and feeling about life as we age. Each decade seems to bring its own challenges and each individual learns different things in different ways. I love seeing where we converge in our perspectives, as I believe it makes us stronger and more resilient. When we diverge we are provided with an opportunity for re-evaluation and growth. The conversation is absolutely the point and I appreciate the opportunity you have provided to carry it further.
Thanks, Kathy. Nice to see you here!
Reblogged this on waitingforthekarmatruck.com
Thank you! Jogging over there right after I’m done here!
Reblogged this on Waiting for the Karma Truck and commented:
I have been having many conversations with friends of mine about what the second half holds. The key perhaps is in re-defining one’s understanding of the concept of ‘doing’ – turning that energy inward and valuing it as much as one valued all those years of externalized effort. Some thoughts for this morning…
Mimi, thanks. You can see why Dorothy’s comment seemed to deserve its own post.
Absolutely!
Terrific Lynne – as always. Comforting (and amazing) how many of us struggle with the idea that we are ‘doing’ when we are traveling inward. More to think through and most importantly accept about where we are now.
Great post. I’ll be working on using my thinker. 🙂
Hey, David, missing your great blog. Been under the weather lately. Will catch up soon.