Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
As I read Lean In, I was intrigued at being able to get inside the head of a dynamic, smart woman who is one generation younger than me, and see the corporate world through her eyes. One of the cultural questions she answered for me was this: why are younger women so averse to the terms "feminist" and "feminism"? Apparently, Sheryl Sanders and her contemporaries believe(d) the following:
1. Equality having arrived, there's no need for feminism anymore
2. Feminists are man-haters who resist makeup and the shaving of one's legs
Okay, #2 was a bit tongue-in-cheek. However, having observed conditions in the real world for a few years now, Sanders has come to see that the playing field is not and will not be level until more women occupy positions of power in the corporate hierarchy. She doesn't suggest that this is due to any malicious intent on the part of men, but rather it's simply a matter of ignorance.
To illustrate, she describes having to park far away from her office door when hugely and uncomfortably pregnant. When she designated preferred parking spots to accommodate pregnant workers, no one complained. It was seen as logical. But prior to her taking her place in the C-suite, the issue hadn't been raised.
Sanders talks about not slowing down out of consideration for what might happen in the nebulous future. The example she gives, now famous, is of a young woman confiding her fears of not wanting to accept a job with a lot of responsibility due to the impact it might have on her family. The woman was planning ahead - she didn't even have a boyfriend yet.
With this example, Sanders makes the point that women, having been highly trained and educated, are waving off promotional opportunities. The jury is still out as to why, but she suggests, and I agree, that part of the reason is this: in corporate America, a woman's decision to go through pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, and child-rearing is viewed as a private matter that should not impact her ability to work long hours and irregular schedules, including lengthy and frequent travel as needed. Rightly fearing this may drive her insane, a woman who wants a family may leap off the corporate ladder at a very early stage.
Sanders argues that if a young woman stayed on it long enough to secure a more powerful position, she would be able to exert more control over her work life (a perspective the young woman must trust will happen, since at her current low place on the corporate ladder she can only see her lack of power and control.) After a few promotions, she will be able to delegate some of her work to subordinates, afford more help at home, and influence workplace policies that unfairly impact women and families. Who can find fault with this argument?
Sanders is honest about her own mistakes, and I found that charming. For example, I was amazed that, for all her intelligence and education, she didn't originally intend to negotiate her starting salary with Facebook. Luckily a nice man (her husband) set her straight, and she made a counter offer to Zuckerberg. Reams of guidance have been written about how this error could have impeded her in later years, both at Facebook and with future employers, yet she didn't know. For other women who have not yet made this horrifying discovery, please read Ask for It by Babcock and Laschever (http://www.amazon.com/Ask-Women-Power...) which in addition to being enlightening and entertaining, offers tons of strategies for preparing yourself to negotiate. And not just for salaries. After reading that book I saved $150 on furniture I was going to buy anyway, by asking one question.
But back to Lean In.
I was also surprised that she wasn't well informed about how women can sabotage other women in the workplace, particularly women in power. This is an unfortunate truth with roots in biology, and is brilliantly explained in the amazing book, In the Company of Women by Heim and Murphy (http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-I...) which I reviewed here:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/... This also suggests the reasons Sanders was hit with such a backlash for the well-intentioned Lean In.
There is so much more to say about Lean In, but let me close with this: I enjoyed learning how this stellar corporate executive struggled, made mistakes, and ultimately learned some strategies that will enable her, her family, and the women (and men) in her corporation to thrive. It's not perfect, and sometimes it's not even pretty, but part of the lesson is to let go of the need for perfection.
The other message, younger women, is to get as far and as fast as you can before starting your families. Don't opt out just because it looks too hard from where you're sitting now. The view improves with each rung on the ladder.
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I need your help with something. When a woman says, “I don’t care for women friends. I prefer men,” it gets my back up, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m insecure (yeah, probably) or overly sensitive (yup) or if there’s even more to it. Nevertheless,
Baxter Clare Trautman
/ July 22, 2011When I was younger, much younger, I always claimed I preferred working with men. I could list a host of reasons, but the bottom line is I wasn’t owning up to the feminine aspects of myself. I couldn’t own them, hence couldn’t tolerate them in other women. As I’ve aged, and softened, I appreciate both sexes both – men for the heavy lifting, women for the cookies!
Lynne Spreen
/ July 22, 2011Amen, sister! And as we get older I think the two genders become more like each other; the men soften and the women get harder, IMO.
Ramona
/ July 22, 2011In my personal experience — and that is, after all, the only realm within which I can make any observation — the women who have vastly preferred male friends to female are those who thrive on the sexual undercurrent that flows within every male/female relationship — no matter how platonic. This is not to say that this undercurrent ever need be acted upon or, for that matter, even recognized or acknowledged. Yet, the mere fact that it is there — seen or unseen, nurtured or left untouched and untended — provides “that extra something,” that “special spark” that a same-sex platonic friendship cannot.
Lynne Spreen
/ July 22, 2011Hi Ramona, that’s an interesting take. But if a girl thought that way, could she really relax and spill her guts, look for comfort, etc., like she does with girlfriends, when there is this undercurrent? I would think there’d always be a need to guard yourself against your “buddy” coming on to you, and such a friendship wouldn’t be that rewarding.
Vonnie
/ July 22, 2011Hey Lynne,
First of all – YAAAAAYYYYYY about your tests coming back negative!!! So happy.
As far as hanging with men vs woman – i have a niece who has mostly male friends and works with all men. In her case, I would give two reasons: 1) I think she’s insecure with women and doesn’t feel comfortable talking about womanly things such as shopping, kids, etc. This is probably because she works with men and doesn’t wear too many girly clothes, and she has no kids. 2) Because she’s a very cute girl, she gets a lot of attention from the guys and let’s face it, what woman doesn’t like attention.
I prefer hanging with women with the exception of those that exude negativity. ‘Did you see how short her dress was?’ ‘Can you believe how much weight she’s gained? How could she let herself go like that?’ From my experience, men don’t dwell on that stuff.
I, personally, couldn’t work with all men. I hate to say it, but even at my age, unless they were gay men, I’d probably be flirting and getting into some kind of trouble. ; p
Debbie
/ July 22, 2011As a former journalist, most of my early colleagues were men. Working around men is different from working around women. Men tend to be more upfront and funny, whereas too many women tend to be sneaky and snarky (just sayin’). Now that I’m older, I can appreciate both genders for the differences they bring to the table; however, I align myself more with the women who say they prefer to hang around men because men don’t play all those nasty games, gossip in mean-spirited ways, and try to undermine each other the way too many women do. Interesting points!
Linda Robinson
/ July 22, 2011Wow. So interesting, Lynne! Is the woman speaker really that egalitarian? Does she know any women she considers her equal? How many friends we talking about? 2? 30? I didn’t have women friends, or even colleagues, until I was over 40. But I wasn’t friends with the men either. And yes, her age would make a difference. A young woman who says she prefers men friends has some or all of the stuff going on mentioned by your lovely, savvy readers. An older woman who still says she prefers men friends has even more of the stuff, and needs a second therapy opinion. And I want to meet her mother.
Linda Robinson
/ July 22, 2011Forgot to holler HURRAY! for the test results. And I checked SUM out of the library on your recommendation and am already laughing. Joy squared shared by you, Lynne.
Lynne Spreen
/ July 22, 2011Isn’t it great, Linda? I love the one about God crying. So many other laughs, and the bottom line for me was, enjoy what you have, people!! Don’t you think it would be fun to know David Eagleman? He definitely sees life through a different lens. One with more lightness, and humor.
Lynne Spreen
/ July 22, 2011Vonnie, Linda and Debbie, I love all of your comments. Boy, I am finding out that the reactions are 50/50, and as much as I’d like to think women who say they prefer men are somehow deficient, I guess that would be wrong!
Here’s a comment from a friend who sent me an email so she could be anonymous, and she’s totally normal and well-balanced. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t go that far
I’ve cut some things out of her comment to preserve her anonymity:
“I hate to tell you this, but I can identify with that … and I don’t feel shunned. I’m sorry you feel that way…You’ve seen what women are like … men aren’t like that. There is no hidden agenda…In a group, the women are all competing with each other, you can’t get a word in edgewise, and basically, it’s not worth the trouble, especially with one woman, who lives alone so when she is with others, tends to monopolize the conversation. I’m sorry for her, but that’s not my problem …. I don’t have time to sit and listen to “it’s all about me” … life is just too short. Men on the other hand, are easier to get along with and you don’t feel like you fought the last war when the meeting is over. That’s not to say I don’t bother with women … it’s just in a group, there are too many egos flying around. Hope I explained it without sounding like a class A bitch!”
Nanci
/ July 22, 2011Wow, someone must have just said this to you…. it hit a nerve. Truly I haven’t heard any woman say this since about Jr. High. I love women friends. As they get older, men don’t seem to want friends so much (talk about generalities). I love the connections, opinions, companionship and generosity of women friends…. if other’s prefer men….. so be it. Just one folk’s opinion…
Lynne Spreen
/ July 23, 2011Nanci, somebody did. Somebody close. I don’t know if Blogging While Emotional is the smartest thing to do. It’s real, but is it a valid basis from which to draw my topics? (LOVE the Jr. High reference.)
Eileen Williams
/ July 25, 2011I’m a gal’s gal who loves my women friends–they’ve gotten me through the tough times and celebrated my successes with enthusiasm. Although I enjoy the company of men, I can count my close male friends on one hand with fingers left over. So I’m with you all the way. And, saying that, I’m thrilled to learn about your test results!!!!!
Lynne
/ July 28, 2011Great debate going on here. I agree with Lynne Spreen’s viewpoint but the back and forth on this issue is fascinating
Lynne Spreen
/ July 28, 2011Lynne, it is, isn’t it. Because some of the commenters agree with the title of the post, and they are 100% normal peeps. So it is fascinating, and also I’m delighted that we can have a forum here where both sides are discussed. I’m always learning something! Hope to see you again soon.