The 6 Stages of Successful Adulthood

child at shorelineI have always doubted that “adulthood” is one amorphous blob of a stage. How could I be identical to my 30-something kids? Haven’t I moved further along in my development? Aren’t those miles worth something?

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Dang Independent Old People

Mom in North Dakota, Sept. 2010

Mom in North Dakota, Sept. 2010

Mom’s almost 90. She’s bright, independent and social. She’s also frail and tiny. On the rare occasion she goes out in the evening, she lets me know ahead of time. This is because everyone, from local family to relatives from back east, will call me worrying if they can’t reach her after dark.

So when I called around five on Sunday night and she didn’t answer, I figured she was indisposed and would call back. She didn’t. An hour later, she didn’t answer either her cell or landline, so I drove over to her house (four blocks away). Her windows were dark but the porch light was on. I figured she went somewhere with her friends and forgot to tip us off.

Over the next couple hours, I phoned a few more times, and then let my sister know. Karen was concerned. “Have you gone inside her house?” she asked. Feeling like a jerk, I let myself in and checked every room and closet. The car was home, so I checked inside that, too. Looking out the patio slider, I was grateful to note she was not lying in a crumpled heap outside, and in fact, the door was locked, further evidence she’d gone out. As I drove back home, I noted a Christmas program going on at the Lodge, which is the clubhouse for our 55+ community. Probably she was inside, I told Karen.

It was unlike Mom not to keep us posted. She’s very responsible and thoughtful. Over the next few hours, Karen and I called and left a few more messages. Nothing.

Pretty soon it was 9:30, and I called Karen back. “What are we going to do if she hasn’t turned up by 10 when the Lodge closes?” I asked. Karen said, “Why don’t you go inside and see if she’s there?” Smart, but risky: if I showed up at the ballroom, Mom would think something horrible had happened to a family member. Then, when I told her why I was there, she’d be embarrassed in front of her friends.

But maybe I could sneak in, see if she was there, and split, undetected. I put my bra back on, as well as some decent slacks and a dab of lipstick. It was now 9:45. At the Lodge, I parked in front and headed toward the ballroom.

Great timing. The party was ending and a crowd flowed toward me. There she was: the shortest person in a sea of elders, her auburn hair barely visible over someone’s shoulder. I fled to the car, leapt in, and drove down one of the parking aisles, where I shut off the lights and waited to make sure it was her. It was dark, but her walk is distinctive after that broken leg of three years ago, and she has a slight hunch from osteoporosis. Then I saw the glint of her cane, and knew I could relax.

I called Karen. “Found her!” I said, laughing at my sneakiness, all for the purpose of ensuring Mom’s safety without her feeling impeded. Karen asked, “What is she doing now?” Suddenly angry, I said, “She’s crossing the parking lot with her old biddy friends!” I was mad with relief. Then I got the idea to race over to her house and watch to make sure she got in okay. I parked on her street, stalking her again, feeling like an inept spy.

She never showed.

I drove around back, thinking she might have gone in through the garage. Nope. I circled her neighborhood for a few fruitless minutes, but assumed she went over to a friend’s house for a snack. I drove home, mumbling and cursing to myself. And there she was, in the back seat of her friend’s little car. They were on my street, looking at Christmas lights. I managed to get inside my garage undetected.

It was after ten. I went to bed. “She okay?” mumbled Bill from under the covers. “Fine. She’s out partying.” It was, after all, my fault and my success that Mom had come to this. I was the one who lobbied hard for her to move to my community. “You’ll have friends,” I’d said. “There are always activities at the Lodge. You’ll never be bored or lonely.” Now, three years after moving away from her beloved home in the high desert, she was thriving, independent, and social.

And her kids were freaking out, acting like they were the parents.

The next day, she was slightly defensive. “I figured you wouldn’t call,” was her argument, but we both know that’s a load of hooey. I said I was glad she had friends and a social life, and that we kids put her through more than this when we were teenagers. We laughed and changed the subject. She’ll never know how upset I was. If my elderly, fragile mother is capable of independence and self-determination, and has all her marbles, I’ll stay out of her way.

Even if she does drive me apeshit.

You Can Take the Day Off

You’ve been reading some very heavy posts lately, and I don’t want to wear out my welcome. So I’m giving you the day off. Thanks for visiting with me every Friday. I love our discussions, but now it’s time to take a break.

Before you go, though, here are some suggestions from Dr. Daniel Amen (Change Your Brain, Change Your Life). These are excerpted from “A Summary of Ways to Optimize Brain Function and Break Bad Brain Habits.”

  1. Spend time with positive uplifting people. Spend time with people you want to be like. (We tend to become like the people with whom we hang out.)
  2. Surround yourself with delightful fragrances and aromas. (The sense of smell bypasses analysis by the cerebral cortex and goes directly to the deep limbic area of the brain, producing feelings and emotions.)
  3. Exercise, learn diaphragmatic breathing, and meditate on a daily basis (to calm the anxiety centers of the brain).
  4. Develop clear goals for your life and reaffirm them every day.
  5. Sing, hum, listen to uplifting music, and move in rhythm as often as possible.

Now, go play. See you next Friday.

By Chris McClave, via Wikimedia Commons

By Chris McClave, via Wikimedia Commons