She Prefers Men Friends

I need your help with something. When a woman says, “I don’t care for women friends. I prefer men,” it gets my back up, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m insecure (yeah, probably) or overly sensitive (yup) or if there’s even more to it. Nevertheless,

I feel so rejected.

Here are the possibilities that run through my mind:

  1. She’s been burned by women friends.
  2. She doesn’t dig the estrogen thing and feels more comfortable with men.
  3. She perceives women to be on the losing team and wants to hang with the perceived winners.

I’m embarrassed, because by guessing at the above I’m revealing more of my inner workings than I want you to know. But come on – how can you dismiss half the human race that way? And your own gender! It seems like an admission of self-hatred.

I’m not saying generalities aren’t based, at times, to some extent, in truth. For example, here’s one:

“I hate working with all-women.”

Don’t ding me for grammar. That’s how we say it, the old complaint about women working together being a real pain, more so than a mostly-male workplace. I used to object to it, but now as an old broad I think there’s some truth to it, because women tend to fall harder and faster for each other, and then when the initial glow fades, they feel more rejected. Maybe this is because our ways of womanly warfare, being more suited for brain rather than brawn, are more sneaky, snarky, verbal, and cutting.

Hey, you work with whatcha got.

But back to my point. Are you a woman who subscribes to this preference for guy friends, and if so, does it spring from an alternative meaning than what I’m getting?

How do you feel when a woman tells you she prefers men friends over women?

PS The tests came back fine. I have to go back in six months for another ultrasound to confirm it. Thanks for all the love, dear friends.

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    • says

      Lynne, it is, isn’t it. Because some of the commenters agree with the title of the post, and they are 100% normal peeps. So it is fascinating, and also I’m delighted that we can have a forum here where both sides are discussed. I’m always learning something! Hope to see you again soon.

  1. says

    I’m a gal’s gal who loves my women friends–they’ve gotten me through the tough times and celebrated my successes with enthusiasm. Although I enjoy the company of men, I can count my close male friends on one hand with fingers left over. So I’m with you all the way. And, saying that, I’m thrilled to learn about your test results!!!!!

  2. Nanci says

    Wow, someone must have just said this to you…. it hit a nerve. Truly I haven’t heard any woman say this since about Jr. High. I love women friends. As they get older, men don’t seem to want friends so much (talk about generalities). I love the connections, opinions, companionship and generosity of women friends…. if other’s prefer men….. so be it. Just one folk’s opinion…

    • says

      Nanci, somebody did. Somebody close. I don’t know if Blogging While Emotional is the smartest thing to do. It’s real, but is it a valid basis from which to draw my topics? (LOVE the Jr. High reference.)

  3. says

    Vonnie, Linda and Debbie, I love all of your comments. Boy, I am finding out that the reactions are 50/50, and as much as I’d like to think women who say they prefer men are somehow deficient, I guess that would be wrong!

    Here’s a comment from a friend who sent me an email so she could be anonymous, and she’s totally normal and well-balanced. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t go that far 😉 I’ve cut some things out of her comment to preserve her anonymity:

    “I hate to tell you this, but I can identify with that … and I don’t feel shunned. I’m sorry you feel that way…You’ve seen what women are like … men aren’t like that. There is no hidden agenda…In a group, the women are all competing with each other, you can’t get a word in edgewise, and basically, it’s not worth the trouble, especially with one woman, who lives alone so when she is with others, tends to monopolize the conversation. I’m sorry for her, but that’s not my problem …. I don’t have time to sit and listen to “it’s all about me” … life is just too short. Men on the other hand, are easier to get along with and you don’t feel like you fought the last war when the meeting is over. That’s not to say I don’t bother with women … it’s just in a group, there are too many egos flying around. Hope I explained it without sounding like a class A bitch!”

  4. says

    Forgot to holler HURRAY! for the test results. And I checked SUM out of the library on your recommendation and am already laughing. Joy squared shared by you, Lynne.

    • says

      Isn’t it great, Linda? I love the one about God crying. So many other laughs, and the bottom line for me was, enjoy what you have, people!! Don’t you think it would be fun to know David Eagleman? He definitely sees life through a different lens. One with more lightness, and humor.

  5. says

    Wow. So interesting, Lynne! Is the woman speaker really that egalitarian? Does she know any women she considers her equal? How many friends we talking about? 2? 30? I didn’t have women friends, or even colleagues, until I was over 40. But I wasn’t friends with the men either. And yes, her age would make a difference. A young woman who says she prefers men friends has some or all of the stuff going on mentioned by your lovely, savvy readers. An older woman who still says she prefers men friends has even more of the stuff, and needs a second therapy opinion. And I want to meet her mother.

  6. says

    As a former journalist, most of my early colleagues were men. Working around men is different from working around women. Men tend to be more upfront and funny, whereas too many women tend to be sneaky and snarky (just sayin’). Now that I’m older, I can appreciate both genders for the differences they bring to the table; however, I align myself more with the women who say they prefer to hang around men because men don’t play all those nasty games, gossip in mean-spirited ways, and try to undermine each other the way too many women do. Interesting points!

  7. says

    Hey Lynne,

    First of all – YAAAAAYYYYYY about your tests coming back negative!!! So happy.

    As far as hanging with men vs woman – i have a niece who has mostly male friends and works with all men. In her case, I would give two reasons: 1) I think she’s insecure with women and doesn’t feel comfortable talking about womanly things such as shopping, kids, etc. This is probably because she works with men and doesn’t wear too many girly clothes, and she has no kids. 2) Because she’s a very cute girl, she gets a lot of attention from the guys and let’s face it, what woman doesn’t like attention.

    I prefer hanging with women with the exception of those that exude negativity. ‘Did you see how short her dress was?’ ‘Can you believe how much weight she’s gained? How could she let herself go like that?’ From my experience, men don’t dwell on that stuff.

    I, personally, couldn’t work with all men. I hate to say it, but even at my age, unless they were gay men, I’d probably be flirting and getting into some kind of trouble. ; p

  8. Ramona says

    In my personal experience — and that is, after all, the only realm within which I can make any observation — the women who have vastly preferred male friends to female are those who thrive on the sexual undercurrent that flows within every male/female relationship — no matter how platonic. This is not to say that this undercurrent ever need be acted upon or, for that matter, even recognized or acknowledged. Yet, the mere fact that it is there — seen or unseen, nurtured or left untouched and untended — provides “that extra something,” that “special spark” that a same-sex platonic friendship cannot.

    • says

      Hi Ramona, that’s an interesting take. But if a girl thought that way, could she really relax and spill her guts, look for comfort, etc., like she does with girlfriends, when there is this undercurrent? I would think there’d always be a need to guard yourself against your “buddy” coming on to you, and such a friendship wouldn’t be that rewarding.

  9. says

    When I was younger, much younger, I always claimed I preferred working with men. I could list a host of reasons, but the bottom line is I wasn’t owning up to the feminine aspects of myself. I couldn’t own them, hence couldn’t tolerate them in other women. As I’ve aged, and softened, I appreciate both sexes both – men for the heavy lifting, women for the cookies!

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