Do you ever hear this?
Sure, I had it bad when I was growing up, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It made me who I am today.
I admire the “can-do” spirit in those words – the refusal to be kept down by adversity. Since we can’t go back and change things, I guess it’s good to adapt, but what if adaptation involves denial, and that denial interferes with our ability to enjoy the last half of our lives?
I’ll give you an example. My friend, let’s call her “Carol,” had a horrible childhood, worse than you can fathom, so bad that I’m not going to describe it. Carol says it made her what she is today. Let me tell you, what she is today is heartbreakingly valiant. She labors along, saving the world with her heroic efforts, but never seems to get what she wants or needs. Most of her efforts benefit others.
I had a challenging childhood, so I have the battle scars to speak to this. I ask Carol, “What if we hadn’t had to endure such torture? Who or what might we have become?” She refuses to consider it, as if the answer would open a Pandora’s Box.
My upbringing made me a slave for many years, always putting everyone else first, or hypersensitive to the moods of others, unable to relax and enjoy fulfilling my own needs. I still fight the tendency (like you?) to apologize all the time, and I tend to fidget, doing repetitive movements that substitute, no doubt, for banging my head against the wall in frustration.
What if Carol had been born to parents who adored her and told her how smart and capable she was? For she is a genius, and hugely talented, but has hidden her light under a barrel for almost sixty years. This girl could have played Carnegie Hall, or written the Great American Novel. Instead…not. She’s a hero, no doubt about it. She’s the hero of her life, the same role I decided to shed almost twenty years ago.
I’m sure it’s wrong to extrapolate from just Carol and me, so I’ll refer you to one of the most useful books I’ve ever read, The Narcissistic Family by Pressman and Pressman. An excerpt:
One of the biggest problems for adults raised in narcissistic family systems is that they tend to take responsibility for things over which they have little or no control, yet refuse to take responsibility for what is happening to them today.
I started watching the new HBO series, Girls, but couldn’t even get through the first episode. Everybody is so young and vulnerable. Thank God we get older and, I do believe, smarter. At least most of us. For Carol and the rest, I pray you win the lottery so you can quit working so damned hard and enjoy the rewards you deserve.
Life in the Boomer Lane
/ April 20, 2012Lynne, this is such a fascinating topic and another great, thought-provoking post from you. I believe we are all born with varying degrees of emotional resiliency. There are people who go through horrific circumstances and become stronger, more visionary, more compassionate as a result. I read that Elie Wiesel said he wouldn’t have given up his time in a concentration camp. I still think about that. But my guess is that a majority of us do think (not obsess) what life would be like if the circumstances of our childhood had been different. I certainly do. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t take full responsibility for my life and my actions. It’s not an excuse. It’s not a free pass to victimhood. The circumstances of my life were the circumstances. What I did as a result was 100% my doing.
Lynne Spreen
/ April 20, 2012“what I did as a result was 100% my doing.” Renee, I am so profoundly moved by your words. I see a little girl, chin up, refusing to be kept down, and I see the world you’ve crafted and feel proud for you. Putting things in perspective, as usual. thanks.
Joyce
/ April 20, 2012This subject sure resonates with me. Wow. My childhood and its interpretation definitely molded me into who I am today, traits that I also battle. My mother was the “victim.” I’ve been the “survivor” with my dukes always raised in the air. It’s always been difficult for me to ask for help of any kind and to allow myself to be vulnerable with people. Only with animals can I instinctively let my hair down. Thanks for giving me lots to think about today… as usual!
Lynne Spreen
/ April 20, 2012Joyce, thanks for weighing in. My mom, too; and her being trapped made me resolve never to be. So in that sense, I’m better for the ugliness. Damn, it’s so much better to be older and freer, isn’t it? Even if we’re not “free”, at least we understand so much more now.
Cynthia Heitger
/ April 20, 2012I also have a history of apologizing. Fortunately, I now recognize the trait and am getting better at stopping myself before I form the words.
As far as changing things from my past, sometimes I do wish I had made other choices for some of my past actions. However, if I’m honest, I realize that some of the choices I made were the only ones I could have made at that time based on my personality and the things I was dealing with then. We’re taught to be positive about EVERYTHING even if it was a negative experience which is why many people say they wouldn’t change anything of their past since it shaped who they are. In my opinion, it’s a rationalization..but if it makes you feel better then it’s a good thing for YOU!
Lynne Spreen
/ April 20, 2012Cynthia, you are so right. “We’re taught to be positive about everything,” is the truth. I think in some cases it’s self-protective. Think how it would feel/sound/look were we to shrug and say, “that was a pointless mistake.” I once gave a not-yet-ex-husband a big chunk of money to improve our lives. It vanished. Nothing good to be said about it. Am I smarter as a result? But wouldn’t I have matured anyway without the financial loss? Anyway, glad you stopped by.
Dolores Carruthers
/ April 20, 2012Thought provoking to say the least. When I first accepted that my childhood had left wounds, I was very angry with my parents. Perhaps it was denial that I eventually moved to acknowledge that they too had wounded childhoods and couldn’t parent any better than they did. Years ago, I accepted that I too may have created emotional injuries to my children, so I apologized, said I now understood I had done the best I could, and if they needed healing beyond what I could offer, see a therapist which I had done as a young woman. Some familes such as narcissistic, sexually and physically abusive are in a category of their own and any child who is raised in those family has to develop all kinds of coping strategies and creating an illusion of being in control of whatever they can may be on of them.
Lynne Spreen
/ April 20, 2012Really thoughtful words, Dolores. The power of forgiveness. One day my son told me that if I kept lamenting his bad childhood, he would begin to believe he’d had one.
Ollie Barrett
/ May 25, 2012I have to agree with Delores’ comment. As I grew up I added to my emotional injuries and when my adorable children were in grade school, I thought I would I was living in a never ending pit of despair, so I left knowing they were in loving hand with their dad and his new love. They have not forgiven me, which I understand perfectly, but I believe they will hurt themselves so much more by not seeing a therapist to deal with my leaving. (If there was a scarlet letter for leaving your children-I would have that pinned to my clothing).
I was raised in a narcissistic, sexually and psychically abusive home and I have endured,however; I have not thrived in my life. I make the best of what I have and try to find ways to scatter joy. I regret my mistakes and ask for forgiveness every day.
I have seen a therapist when younger, and now at 58 have decided I need to revisit, because I am beginning to crumble at the broken places. I don’t want to whine like I am a victim, but incest doesn’t go away.
Thanks for your website and insights.
Lynne Spreen
/ May 25, 2012Life is hard sometimes, Ollie. I hope your therapist is a good one, and helps you find peace. Best wishes.
jotsfromasmallapt
/ April 21, 2012Timely. So timely…..
Debbie
/ April 21, 2012Fascinating post, Lynne. Too bad babies don’t come with “care instructions” so we’d know just what they need and wouldn’t make grievous mistakes with them. For the majority of us, our parents did the best they could — considering their own inadequacies. Does that justify their mistakes? I don’t think so. What’s needed is for us as adults to forgive them and move on, trying hard not to repeat the errors with our own kids.
Peggy
/ April 21, 2012Love this blog, Lynne. I’ve come to terms with my being wounded by my mother and my wounding my daughter later (not wanting or intending to). I reached the conclusion that we all do the best we can and we simply forgive our parents, forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made as parents, say we are sorry to our chilren and and hope they will will forgive us in turn…all the while knowing every single one us is doing our very best, whatever that might be in any given circumstance. My mother was/is mentally ill. Being raised by a single parent with schizoaffective disorder makes for an interesting and oft time brutal childhood indeed. But, she did her best.
krpooler
/ April 22, 2012Oh my .Lynne, you certainly have touched a chord (again!) on the litany of “what if’s” that any one of us could hang on to about our imperfect lives. I certainly have gone through phases in my life where I obsessed about my regrets and lost dreams. My” if onlys”..I had a relatively uneventful childhood with loving parents and an intact family but I managed to go out in the world and create my own chaos which I call my self-defeating detours. For me, accepting my role in making them happen was the beginning of relinguishing my victim role and embracing my life . Having a cancer diagnosis at 50 was a wake-up call and a blessing for all I learned about forgiveness (and that includes self-forgiveness) and appreciating each day. I agree, some people are dealt much worse hands and they can go either way-continue in a victim role or take the lessons and move on in a positive direction. I sense that Carol is really trying to move on. I hope she gets what she needs in her life and finds her way to healing and peace.
cookie Scott
/ June 16, 2012This blog has stayed with me for days, constantly in the back of my mind. I do believe my Mom did the best she could have under her circumstances. My biological Dad didn’t. I need to think about “if”, or “how” it is affecting me now. Great blog Lynne!
Lynne Spreen
/ June 17, 2012All we can do is move on, enlightened by the experience, Cookie. Thanks for commenting.