Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
As I read Lean In, I was intrigued at being able to get inside the head of a dynamic, smart woman who is one generation younger than me, and see the corporate world through her eyes. One of the cultural questions she answered for me was this: why are younger women so averse to the terms "feminist" and "feminism"? Apparently, Sheryl Sanders and her contemporaries believe(d) the following:
1. Equality having arrived, there's no need for feminism anymore
2. Feminists are man-haters who resist makeup and the shaving of one's legs
Okay, #2 was a bit tongue-in-cheek. However, having observed conditions in the real world for a few years now, Sanders has come to see that the playing field is not and will not be level until more women occupy positions of power in the corporate hierarchy. She doesn't suggest that this is due to any malicious intent on the part of men, but rather it's simply a matter of ignorance.
To illustrate, she describes having to park far away from her office door when hugely and uncomfortably pregnant. When she designated preferred parking spots to accommodate pregnant workers, no one complained. It was seen as logical. But prior to her taking her place in the C-suite, the issue hadn't been raised.
Sanders talks about not slowing down out of consideration for what might happen in the nebulous future. The example she gives, now famous, is of a young woman confiding her fears of not wanting to accept a job with a lot of responsibility due to the impact it might have on her family. The woman was planning ahead - she didn't even have a boyfriend yet.
With this example, Sanders makes the point that women, having been highly trained and educated, are waving off promotional opportunities. The jury is still out as to why, but she suggests, and I agree, that part of the reason is this: in corporate America, a woman's decision to go through pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, and child-rearing is viewed as a private matter that should not impact her ability to work long hours and irregular schedules, including lengthy and frequent travel as needed. Rightly fearing this may drive her insane, a woman who wants a family may leap off the corporate ladder at a very early stage.
Sanders argues that if a young woman stayed on it long enough to secure a more powerful position, she would be able to exert more control over her work life (a perspective the young woman must trust will happen, since at her current low place on the corporate ladder she can only see her lack of power and control.) After a few promotions, she will be able to delegate some of her work to subordinates, afford more help at home, and influence workplace policies that unfairly impact women and families. Who can find fault with this argument?
Sanders is honest about her own mistakes, and I found that charming. For example, I was amazed that, for all her intelligence and education, she didn't originally intend to negotiate her starting salary with Facebook. Luckily a nice man (her husband) set her straight, and she made a counter offer to Zuckerberg. Reams of guidance have been written about how this error could have impeded her in later years, both at Facebook and with future employers, yet she didn't know. For other women who have not yet made this horrifying discovery, please read Ask for It by Babcock and Laschever (http://www.amazon.com/Ask-Women-Power...) which in addition to being enlightening and entertaining, offers tons of strategies for preparing yourself to negotiate. And not just for salaries. After reading that book I saved $150 on furniture I was going to buy anyway, by asking one question.
But back to Lean In.
I was also surprised that she wasn't well informed about how women can sabotage other women in the workplace, particularly women in power. This is an unfortunate truth with roots in biology, and is brilliantly explained in the amazing book, In the Company of Women by Heim and Murphy (http://www.amazon.com/Company-Women-I...) which I reviewed here:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/... This also suggests the reasons Sanders was hit with such a backlash for the well-intentioned Lean In.
There is so much more to say about Lean In, but let me close with this: I enjoyed learning how this stellar corporate executive struggled, made mistakes, and ultimately learned some strategies that will enable her, her family, and the women (and men) in her corporation to thrive. It's not perfect, and sometimes it's not even pretty, but part of the lesson is to let go of the need for perfection.
The other message, younger women, is to get as far and as fast as you can before starting your families. Don't opt out just because it looks too hard from where you're sitting now. The view improves with each rung on the ladder.
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For women of a certain age, this is a seismic shift. As girls, it was our job to clean the toilets while our brothers mowed the lawns. We ironed shirts while they – well, we ironed shirts. Then those Boomer men grew up. Now they’re at or near retirement age, and there’s a change afoot. Have you noticed?
Laura
/ March 30, 2012hmmm. I could use a little help around the house. Maybe I should think about remarrying
Joyce
/ March 30, 2012“You don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Love that phrase! And it’s so true. Rick grocery shops, cooks and “cleans up” after dinner. After he’s done, I get the grease off the stove top and countertops and wash the pot lids. I think it’s in the male species’ genes to not see yuck left behind. But in my house we’re equals. And from my seat, that’s the only way to live!
Peggy
/ March 30, 2012Great blog! I am fortunate indeed. My husband is 13 years my senior….he was born in ’41….so not a boomer. But, from DAY 1 he’s done as much or more than I have in the house.
He’s particular about how he likes clothes and towels folded so does ALL the laundry. He cleans the bathrooms, vacuums, does shopping, washes floors, dusts, and even makes our coffee in the morning, and takes care of the “manly man” chores, such as taking out the trash, maintaining the car, picking up dog poop, mowing the lawn. I do most of the cooking (only because I’m the better cook) and although he’ll do dishes, he doesn’t like cleaning the kitchen, so that room is primarily my domain. But, he certainly will make his own food if I’m not around or busy or on a diet and can’t eat what he wants to eat. No problem.
Once a week, we both roll up our sleeves to clean the house as a team from top to bottom, and once or twice a week, we are both in the front or back yard pulling weeds and planting side-by-side, but there are sometimes days in a row when I’m busy on my novel or working on a project that I don’t lift a finger in the house…he says “I prefer that you just concentrate on your writing.” Is that a blessing, or what? Oh…and did I mention that he works part-time from our home, so he’s not even 100% retired?
Do I feel guilty? Initially it took some getting used to…I mean back in 1990 when I first met him…because I’d never had a man “do” for me, and I was raised in the way that most of us are…women do the housework, laundry, cooking, shopping, ironing…but I eventually “adjusted” and now instead of guilt the only feeling I have is gratitude.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 30, 2012Peggy, you may want to go into hiding today so jealous hordes don’t descend on your well-tended home!
Peggy
/ March 30, 2012Hahahaaa….thanks, Lynn. I wouldn’t say my home is “well tended” — like many men, Steve doesn’t do things “perfectly” and doesn’t always stay on top of the household chores the way I would, but through the years I’ve learned to just step away, turn my head if something is not perfectly done, and just say “Thanks, Sweetie” because I don’t have to do it! And…it’s so nice when clean, folded panties end up magically back in my dresser drawer. Gratitude. That’s what I feel. Gratitude.
Debbie
/ March 30, 2012You paint a rosy picture, Lynne, but remember, you’ve trained Bill to be a model husband. Others aren’t so fortunate, or so wise. Frankly, there are far too many women still doing all the housework, all the cleaning, all the child-nurturing, and all the elder-care. They’re overworked and exhausted, while hubby sits around trying to figure out what to do with his life. I sympathize with those women. They, too, should have willingly lifted some of their high standards, letting hubby help when he was a “young ‘un” and not insisting things always be done their way!
Peggy
/ March 30, 2012Debbie, I do understand what you are saying. It’s good to be compassionate toward women who are in traditional marriages and don’t know how to change things. But, Trained? Oh my gosh. I can’t imagine attempting to “train” any adult to do anything….especially not my husband, who is (thankfully) a nurturer by nature who never minded pitching in, but he’s still a strong man who I respect. He’s very unlike my first husband, by the way, who felt a woman should do it all…and ironically, my first husband is 11 years younger than my present husband. Women, though, even the ones who are “overworked” can often say “no” or simply ask their mate for help at any time. Even if the division of work has always been a certain way doesn’t mean things cannot change at any time, and it doesn’t matter how old a man is either. It’s not always easy, I understand that, but it can be done and is really necessary in some cases. My motto is “If I need help with something, and you ain’t gunna give it, Honey, that’s fine, but it ain’t gunna get done, so I hope you don’t mind.” But, that’s simply one adult asking another for assistance. I don’t see that as “training.”
My question is WHY do so many women in this day and age continue to allow any man to treat her like a maid? I wouldn’t (and didn’t) stay in a marriage where the man wouldn’t treat me as an equal partner rather than as his personal house servant. Sometimes things have to get done no matter what, of course (such as feeding and changing a baby) but oftentimes we do have the right to refuse any household tasks, but for one reason or another we don’t. Maybe we are afraid to, and fear is a difficult thing to overcome?
Personally, although I can feel some level of compassion, I can’t feel too sorry over a long period of time for a woman who refuses to stand up for herself in her marriage and ask for what she needs and wants, then complains. I just don’t even know who these days stays with a man who “sits around trying to figure out what to do with his life” allowing his wife to “do it all” rather than being productive and supportive. I think maybe it’s these women who need to be trained on how to respect and love themselves while in a relationship. And…I know it’s easier said than done, especially as I already stated if a decades old pattern is firmly established and habits formed already…but we certainly can ask an “old guy” for help, too. When I married Steve nearrly 21 years ago, he was 51. I think the problem is not in any way failing to “train our husbands early” in hopes they will change or be more how we want them to be (which, we can’t do anyway), but in not loving and respecting ourselves.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 30, 2012Good coffee this afternoon, eh, Peggy?
Peggy
/ March 30, 2012hahahahaaa…I DO go on, don’t I? Been digging in the dirt all day…planting, weeding, just found out that we’ve got out of state company showing up on our doorstep on Wed night. Oye! So, needed a break…your stimulating topic gave me the “brain jog” I needed after tearing out burmuda grass.
Vonnie
/ March 31, 2012Hi Lynne,
My life-partner, like Peggy’s) isn’t a boomer either. What do we call them = pre-boomers? Beyond-boomers? Anyway, born in ’44. He does all the cooking and grocery shopping and used to more around the house while I was still working outside the home. But even though I’m still working in ‘my home office’, he’s been noticeably slipping – BIG TIME!
This man has a new attitude since he found on a blog by an older woman (I’m thinking late 70s, early 80s). She and her commenters have agreed that doing one important thing a day is enough. Apparently, chores such as grocery shopping is exhausting for them, which I can understand at certain points in one’s life. I found it very tiring when I was bringing up kids and my husband wasn’t always around to help me carry them into the house in the middle of a snow storm. And if I was a handicapped-70 year old lived in 4th floor apartment in a building without an elevator, yeah, ok. But, Come on!?!?
He’s 67 going on 87 and seems to be quite happy. Don’t get me wrong, grocery shopping and cooking (and his own laundry) are huge in my book because after years of shlepping for the family, I could easily live on cereal (and probably should).
He will do things chores when I ask, but I have to give him at least a week. Let me add that he doesn’t ask anything of me and so it’s not as if I can threaten to quit doing housework. He would be happy to let everything pile up around his ears.
He’s a good companion and great conversationalist, but I truly worry about his health and his lackadaisical attitude. (note: he’s already on anti-depressants and claims to be very happy)
Sorry to dump, Lynne, you got me jump-started this morning.
Btw, I’m glad to read about the ambitious hubbys out there.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Vonnie
/ March 31, 2012Sorry for the typos – my eyes are blurred this morning and brain on first cup of coffee. : /
Lynne Spreen
/ March 31, 2012Tpos? Wat thyos? U no my rule re typos – who care?
Kathleen Pooler (@KathyPooler)
/ March 31, 2012HI Lynne, This post and lively discussion reminds me of all I have to be grateful for- a husband who cooks, cleans, goes to the grocery store,etc. We do share in the chores but when it’s my turn to cook and he starts micro-managing me in the kitchen, I give him the option of taking over or leaving. Sometimes, I hand the cooking utensil over and sometimes he leaves. It all evens out in the end. I do love having a partner who shares in the responsibilities.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 31, 2012Sometimew handing him the spatula and walking away = fewr homicides!
Peggy
/ March 31, 2012What a fun and interesting conversation. Thanks, Lynne.
nanci
/ March 31, 2012I am fortunate in that Michael does a lot of work around the house. When I was working full time and he was a one day a week-er it was awesome. It still is, but sometimes we seem to compete on what gets done. Michael thinks he is a perfect housecleaner and that I am not… I felt the opposite for a while. Now I realize that we each “see” different things. For instance, he is scrupulous about the toiet, but never notices the streaky mirror. I look at our housework as complimentary! It’s great….
Lynne Spreen
/ March 31, 2012We’re of the generation that can’t believe it when we see men doing housework, Nanci, so I think that’s why we’re okay with not demanding perfection!
Pat
/ March 31, 2012Though French women are still doing it all -keeping housing, raising kids, bringing home the bacon and cooking it too – in heels no less, some men have broken out the traditional mold. I married one who has pitched in and done more than his fair share, of course, the fact that I am a dismal failure in the kitchen helped the cause. ha
Lynne Spreen
/ March 31, 2012Pat, thank you for telling me about the one thing I finally don’t have to envy French women for!
Life in the Boomer Lane
/ April 6, 2012Lucky me. Shortly after Now Husband and I married, I put something away in the kitchen and he said, “Hey, don’t put that there. It’s better here.” I looked at him and he responded with “This kitchen belongs to me.” It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. The man cooks, cleans up afterward, does the dishes, makes the bed, shops, and does his own laundry. If I could bring my car into the kitchen, he’d clean that.
Lynne Spreen
/ April 6, 2012Renee, I’m happy for you. He sounds like a real winner. Here’s my story: for the first time in my life, rather than be resentful at having to do everything, I feel guilty a lot of the time over all the stuff Bill does for me.
High five, sis!
Peggy
/ April 6, 2012I hear you on the “feeling guilty” because of what your husband does for you, Lynne. It took me more than a few years to get over that. I did, and I’m much happier. Finally after listening to my “guilt” for months, Steve said to me: “Why don’t you simply do something else with your time rather than feeling guilty? I’ll tell you what. I’ll continue to do the laundry and you can either feel happy about it or guilty about it. Up to you.” Needless to say, I backed away from the guilt and ramped up my appreciation and gratitude instead. I like being married to a man who is both helpful and wise.