I like money. I mean, who doesn’t? So why is it so hard for me to accept it from people to whom I’m giving a skill or benefit?
Mika Brzezinsky wrote about this in Knowing Your Value: Women, Money and Getting What You’re Worth. Women are good at giving, but not so good at taking. That’s beautiful, and the world needs more of it, but sometimes we stand in our own way. Mika careened from not asking her bosses for adequate pay, to asking inappropriately (acting like a man would, since that’s who modeled the intervention for her), to asking in a way that was true to her comfort level. The last time, when she asked authentically, it happened.
Part of my problem is that I am starting a new business, so my students were my guinea pigs. I didn’t feel it was right to charge them for something that wasn’t particularly polished, but now it’s a valuable product, so I had to break the news.
I felt like a jerk, but I did it, and they were beautiful!
“Of course; your classes are worth it!” was the general sentiment. I am so relieved, but I still feel kind of clunky. To be honest, I dread when my book is published and I have to take money for that. Not the money part. The take part.
I never had any problem negotiating in a corporate setting, because for some reason that seems impersonal. My problem is asking individuals to open their very own wallet and share their personal cash with me.
Some of it is my upbringing: very Catholic. We were taught to give and give and give until it hurts. And then give some more. From my North Dakota German heritage I got the idea that we only give, never take. And then there’s this timeworn maxim: it’s better to give than receive. Right?
My parents taught me to give. My mother worshiped sacrifice and we kids were indoctrinated. No surprise I supported two jobless husbands. When I met Prospective Husband Number Three, I took him to be interviewed by my therapist. Seriously – I didn’t trust my own judgment. After thirty minutes, Dr. N looked at me and said, “He’s got a job. What the hell do you see in him?”
But I digress. Women still earn less than men, and one reason is because they don’t ask, let alone negotiate.
Here’s a surprise: the younger generations are no better.
When interviewed about their book, Ask for It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want, authors Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever say this:
A lot of the younger women we talked to…believe that they’re just as assertive about what they want as their male peers. Unfortunately, this is not true. Younger women may assume that things have changed far more than they have, but our studies show that even among men and women in their 20s and early 30s, men are much more likely to initiate negotiations than women.
I’m going to take a stab here and say it’s probably about two things: one, our indoctrination as caregivers and nurturers, and two, the lack of role models. I guess that was redundant.
The situation perpetuates itself.
In the future I’m going to read up on and study more about this topic for my own benefit, yours, and that of my daughters and granddaughters. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with making a sacrifice for those you love, but it can’t be all you, all the time. The act of taking cash from your peers may feel creepy, but giving away your work feels worse.
Have you experienced this inability to ask for what you’re worth? Did you figure out a way to overcome it? What’s your story?
Ann Alka WorkingBoomer
/ March 2, 2012Lynne, you described me. It is difficult for me to accept money also. I am sure it came from my childhood. That is the way that I was raised; poor but proud. I am getting better though. After all we deserve it.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 2, 2012Ann, the “we deserve it” truism might help. I am also going to remind myself it’s an even exchange, something for something, between equals.
Linda Robinson
/ March 2, 2012I had come this close to resigning myself to getting this sorted out next lifetime. Thanks to you, Lynne, I’ll not give up on this one just yet.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 2, 2012No, don’t, Linda, because I think it has something to do with our sense of self-worth, which is definitely something to tackle in THIS lifetime!
Peggy
/ March 2, 2012This is a problem that many of us struggle with, Lynn. We want to think of ourselves as “givers” and it makes us feel good when we do give of ourselves. Permit me to blather a bit: Money is nothing more than a means of energetic exchange; that does not mean it isn’t an important exchange. If we give our art, time, services, experience to someone else we are giving them our energy. If we are not able to accept money (or barter or gifts) or some sort of compensation in exchange, then we lose our energy, and eventually, we are so depleted we are unable to give more to others or to ourselves. No one wins.
Also the “taker” becomes out of energetic balance and develops feelings of guilt and becomes self-critical, or conversely, they develop a sense of “entitlement,” meaning they lose respect for the giver and the gifts rather than valuing them. So…another loss. It’s okay to give a gift or to even work without asking anything in return, to volunteer, to help…sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but for all parties involved to be happy, giving and receiving must remain in balance. If at some time you do not feel “good” about your giving (for example, if you work too hard for too little money, or give so much of your time you leave no time for the things you love), you will eventually feel resentful, worthless, or exhausted. Worse, you make a powerful statement to yourself and the world that you do not value yourself.
It’s important that all of us graciously accept energy of some kind in some satisfying (if not equal) measure for the energy we give to others, that is if we want to retain our self-worth and if want others to know we are worthy, too. If we do not first value ourselves and what we have to offer, who else will?
Lynne Spreen
/ March 2, 2012Peggy, you are so wise. I’d like to do a whole post just about your thoughts. 1. I enjoy helping so much that the giving is its own reward.
2. Yes, giving makes us feel better about ourselves. See http://anyshinything.com/2011/11/11/the-courage-to-be-average/
3. Unfortunately, human nature tends to ascribe less value to that which is easily accessible. The struggle (or cost) seems to add the perception of value.
Isn’t life interesting?
Claudia
/ March 2, 2012Well said, Peggy.
Mad Queen Linda
/ March 2, 2012Would that we could always deal in energy transfer! Wouldn’t that be awesome? I’m going out on a limb here and saying I work at a job that pays me waaaaaaaay too much money for what I do, which is essentially nothing 39 hours a week. I have an ambivalent relationship with money (which drives my husband crazy — fortunately I’m not much interested in spending it). Doing nothing and getting paid for it only supports that ambivalence; and, in fact, it negatively affects my sense of self worth. However, I’ve found that when I start charging money for something I love doing (I had a windchime business and have received payment for writing), the activity degrades into being about the money and my creativity departs for more open pastures. (Hmm, I’m sounding rather conflicted here.)
Lynne Spreen
/ March 2, 2012But when you think about it, the money represents energy. It’s just a way of expressing it for the purpose of transfer. Hmmm. Peggy, you started something good.
Debbie
/ March 2, 2012Sadly, too many of us don’t fully value our talents and abilities. When something comes easy for us we tend to think it comes easy for everybody else, too. That’s particularly true with writing — witness how many people “want” to write professionally! Giving, and receiving graciously, are learned abilities. With practice, we can become more adept at both!
Peggy
/ March 2, 2012Hahaaaa…Lynn…we’ll if you want to post on my thoughts…we’ll need to edit first. My comment is “too wordy” as Ray and others say in our group. LOL Hugs, Pegg
Peggy
/ March 2, 2012Mad Queen Linda… I think your issue isn’t out of the ordinary. I think we’ve all been there at one time or another. But….actually, depending on how you look at it, everything is “energy.” So it is that we really are “always dealing with energy transfer”.
The way I look at accepting money is this: You have an apple. I love apples. I don’t have an apple tree. I have a banana. You love bananas but live where bananas don’t grow. You give me an apple — (meaning some service, or thing that you make, or some skill or talent that you have that I need), and in return, I give you a banana (my money, or a barter that satisfies what you need, or compensates you for your time or talent). Both of us are fed, both of us have energy now, we both win. We’ll keep that flow of exchanging apples and bananas between us for a long while. That’s what I call “the flow of abundance.”
Now… let’s suppose you gave me your apple but instead of asking for a banana in return you say, “Oh, I can’t possibly charge you for that apple, Here, just take it.” Obviously, I’d have both a banana and an apple and you would have nothing, which not only means you are hungry, but it also means you have nothing left to give. To perpetuate the flow of abundance we MUST exchange apples for bananas, services or goods for money, energy for energy, otherwise, we are “out of energetic exchange” and the flow stops.
Lynne Spreen
/ March 2, 2012A great way to look at it, Peggy. I will think apples and bananas/energy exchange from now on when I get uncomfortable about this situation.
Kathleen Pooler
/ March 4, 2012Lynne, I know what you mean about being programmed for caretaking,submissive,handmaiden roles- Catholic, nurse, female. I think I learned to value my work when I started an educational consulting business independent for nursing and had to put a price tag on my sessions. I needed to convince myself first that I had something of value to offer. It felt strange at first but when I recognized all the hard work I had to put into it (4 hours of prep,at least for a 1 hour session),eventually it became easier. It involves a conscious, concerted effort which starts with convincing myself that what I what I have to offer has value for others. And sometimes it means “fake it till you make it.”
Great post and discussion.